Whale went on killing rampage after being denied tenure
OBAMA: I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse — except one time? And why? Because I believe this drug business is going to destroy us in the years to come. But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country, because of this Sollozzo business. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. But I’m a superstitious man and if some unlucky accident should befall him, if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he’s struck by a bolt of lightning, then I’m going to blame some of the people in this room. And that, I do not forgive. But, that aside, let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today.
WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate.
The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on American roadways coast to coast. Some of the viruses have gone off sooner than planned, accounting for the sudden acceleration accidents that have plagued Toyota of late.
“The plan was to destroy the American way of life with greater stealth, and more cunning, than [the Japanese] ever dreamed possible at Pearl Harbor,” explained U.S. Rep. John Mica (R., Fla.). Mica said Congress will pass emergency legislation Thursday to ground all of the targeted Toyotas.
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Some faculty members at the University of Alabama, Huntsville say that biology professor Amy Bishop’s shooting rampage, which left three dead and three others wounded, ”could” cost her tenure.
“The troubling part for me was that she killed only members of historically disadvantaged groups, African-Americans and a South Asian,” explained one faculty member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I would have felt much better if she had targeted white males.”
Another professor wouldn’t rule out tenure for Bishop. “When you balance the pluses: she is a female from Harvard working in the sciences – against the minuses: she shot six people – it’s fairly close. I wouldn’t rule out tenure at some point. That’s assuming she doesn’t get the death penalty. If she does, I’d say she can forget tenure.”
NEW YORK – In what public relations experts are calling “the mix up of all mix ups,” on Friday as he stood before a packed, hand-selected audience, Tiger Woods accidentally read Joseph Stack’s suicide rant instead of the apology he had prepared to help put his sex scandal behind him.
Stack’s suicide manifesto was discovered after he crashed his single-engine Piper Cherokee airplane into an IRS building in Austin, Texas last week.
“We figured something was off when Tiger launched into a rambling tirade trashing the IRS, GM executives, the Catholic Church, the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan, and George W. Bush,” said communication consultant Chad Hermann. “I immediately knew he was reading either Stack’s suicide rant or the keynote address from the last Democratic National Convention.”
Woods’ publicist, Bob Haas, explained that somehow Woods “grabbed the wrong speech” on his way out of his house. “But nevertheless, I thought it was very effective.”
AUSTIN, Texas – Heavy-set actor/director Kevin Smith was kicked off Andrew Joseph Stack’s single-engine Piper Dakota minutes before Stack crashed it into a seven-story building that housed the local office of the Internal Revenue Service Thursday.
Stack reportedly kicked Smith off the plane “for safety reasons” because Smith didn’t fit in his seat. Stack said that Smith’s presence “compromised a timely exit from the aircraft in the event of an emergency.”
After the crash, government officials searched Stack’s home and found Stack’s rambling heartfelt apology to Smith, laced with anti-government sentiments, along with a $100 voucher for Smith to take a future flight of his choice.
Michelle Obama, who recently launched a war on obesity, applauded Stack’s decision to evict Smith from the plane, but said crashing the plane was “a bad choice.”
The decision follows closely on the court’s holding last month that corporations may contribute to political candidates.
Democratic lawmakers condemned the ruling, saying it will invite special interests to sway the court’s decisions. Justice Scalia answered critics by donning a jacket during oral argument covered with ads paid for by corporations.
WASHINGTON – Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, issued a statement on the report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that men have narrowed the life expectancy gap from a high of 7.8 years in 1979 to 5.1 years.
“The latest study showing that males have narrowed the gender life expectancy gap is just another manifestation that women and girls are second-class citizens in this society. The life expectancy gap, by which women live significantly longer than men, disproportionately impacts women and girls. Nevertheless, the gap should be maintained, and increased, for symbolic reasons. NOW calls on President Obama to significantly increase funding for diseases that affect women and girls in order to widen the gap to its former high.”
VANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident.
Though Georgian officials blame the speed of the track and IOC officials fault the inexperience of the luger, Royal Canadian Mounted Police investigators now believe that Kumaritashvili’s crash was caused by a design flaw in the sled.
Since 2004, federal regulators have received complaints of 34 deaths in accidents linked to sudden acceleration problems in Toyota models, mostly hybrids and small SUVs. Kumaritashvili’s is the first death linked to the company’s popular IceRunner luge model.
Sources inside the RCMP’s Nordic Traffic Division tell Carbolic Smoke Ball that a “fairly common sequence” of “thigh squeezing and buttock clenching” can cause the sled’s runners to accelerate uncontrollably.
The automaker says it is recalling the iconic behemoth due to safety complaints following reports that it has killed in excess of one million persons since 1954.
A Toyota executive says customer service is the top priority for the automaker.
Relive the glorious Mardi Gras season with this limited edition print by famed New Orleans painter Noah Swayne, “Peeing on Bourbon Street.”
This delightful depiction of three frat brothers publicly urinating can be yours for just $299. This is the companion piece to last year’s acclaimed “Peeing on Canal Street,” all part of the “Peeing in the Big Easy” series.
VANCOUVER – Cpl. Dudley Do-Right, 87, the retired Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer who inspired the dim-witted cartoon character of the same name, is the surprise choice to light the Olympic cauldron at tonight’s opening ceremony of the Vancouver Winter Olympics.
Cpl. Do-Right’s long-time nemesis Snidely Whiplash, 80, will wheel Mr. Do-Right’s wheelchair to the giant cauldron.
“If this were one of our old cartoons,” Mr. Whiplash quipped , “I’d push him right into [the cauldron], then I’d laugh about it.”