Monthly Archives: February 2010

Obama Under Fire For Authorizing Civilian Trial For Killer Whale

Whale went on killing rampage after being denied tenure

Posted in Crime

Transcript of Obama Health Care Summit

OBAMA:  I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man I’m willing to do whatever’s necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. After all, when did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of

Posted in Health, Politics

CIA Uncovers Japanese Plot to Suddenly Accelerate All Toyotas Tomorrow at Noon

WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate.  The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on

Posted in Business, International News

Sea World Assures Trainers: ‘It Will Be Safe To Do Act With Killer Whale on Fridays in Lent’

“The whale is Catholic, so he won’t eat you on Fridays in Lent.”

Posted in Crime, Entertainment, Science

Most Popular New Defense for Bank Robbery: ‘I Thought I Was In Rip Torn’s House’

Posted in Crime, Entertainment

Cash4Gold Says Business ‘Brisk’ Each Night At Kiosk Near Olympics Medals Ceremony

Posted in Extras

Police Fear Wave of Masturbation in Wake of Hands-Free Cell Phone Laws

Posted in Extras

Prof. Amy Bishop’s Shooting Rampage Could Cost Her Tenure

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Some faculty members at the University of Alabama, Huntsville say that biology professor Amy Bishop’s shooting rampage, which left three dead and three others wounded, ”could” cost her tenure. “The troubling part for me was that she killed only members of historically

Posted in Crime, Education

Cheney’s Medical Team Searching For New Heart For Ex-VP

Posted in Health

Tiger Accidentally Read Joseph Stack’s Suicide Rant Instead of Sex Scandal Apology

NEW YORK – In what public relations experts are calling “the mix up of all mix ups,” on Friday as he stood before a packed, hand-selected audience, Tiger Woods accidentally read Joseph Stack’s suicide rant instead of the apology he had prepared to

Posted in Business, Sports

Pittsburgh Pirates Ship Equipment to Florida for Start of Spring Training

Posted in Extras, Sports

Haig: ‘As of now, I am in control here in the cemetery’

Posted in Obituaries

Kevin Smith ‘Too Fat’ to Fly With Tax Protester Andrew Joseph Stack

AUSTIN, Texas – Heavy-set actor/director Kevin Smith was kicked off Andrew Joseph Stack’s single-engine Piper Dakota minutes before Stack crashed it into a seven-story building that housed the local office of the Internal Revenue Service Thursday.  Stack reportedly kicked Smith off the plane

Posted in Extras

Supreme Court Rules Corporations May Contribute to Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a contentious 5-4 decision authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled yesterday that corporations may lend financial support to the Supreme Court.  The decision follows closely on the court’s holding last month that corporations may

Posted in Ads, Business, Legal News

Men Narrow Life Expectancy Gap, NOW Cries ‘Misogyny’

WASHINGTON – Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, issued a statement on the report of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showing that men have narrowed the life expectancy gap from a high of 7.8 years in 1979 to

Posted in Gender News, Health

CSB EXCLUSIVE: Luge That Killed Georgian Olympian Was Manufactured by Toyota

VANCOUVER – Carbolic Smoke Ball sources have confirmed that Georgian Olympian Nodar Kumaritashvili, who died Friday after crashing during a training run, was riding a luge manufactured by the Toyota Motor Corporation at the time of his accident. Though Georgian

Posted in International News, Investigative Reports, Sports

Toyota Recalls Godzilla Due to Safety Concerns

TOKYO – Toyota announced yet another recall late yesterday: Godzilla, the 300-foot tall star of 28 motion pictures, innumerable comic books, and video games. The automaker says it is recalling the iconic behemoth due to safety complaints following reports that it has killed in

Posted in Business

General Motors Board Meeting

“We’ve got to boost this stock price. Let’s leak the number of deaths attributable to sudden acceleration in Toyotas since 2000.”

Posted in Business

2010 Commemorative Mardi Gras Prints Now Available: “Peeing on Bourbon Street”

Relive the glorious Mardi Gras season with this limited edition print by famed New Orleans painter Noah Swayne, “Peeing on Bourbon Street.” This delightful depiction of three frat brothers publicly urinating can be yours for just $299.  This is the companion piece

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Posted in Arts

Dudley Do-Right, Model For Iconic Cartoon Character, Tapped to Light Olympic Torch

VANCOUVER – Cpl. Dudley Do-Right, 87, the retired Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer who inspired the dim-witted cartoon character of the same name, is the surprise choice to light the Olympic cauldron at tonight’s opening ceremony of the Vancouver Winter Olympics.  Cpl. Do-Right’s long-time nemesis Snidely

Posted in Extras
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