GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Another Black Eye for Baseball: Pete Rose Bet on Mark McGwire’s Steroid Use

RoseLAS VEGAS – Major League Baseball got yet another black eye today when Sports Illustrated published excerpts from a book due to be released next week showing that former Cincinnati Reds superstar Pete Rose, banned from baseball for life for betting on games while he was the Reds’ manager, started placing bets as early as 1997 that St. Louis Cardinals superstar Mark McGwire was using performance-enhancing drugs. This information comes just a day after McGwire admitted using steroids in the 1980s and 90s.

McGwire lashed out at Rose following the revelation. “It is misconduct such as Rose’s gambling that engenders disrepute of our national pastime.”

Later, reporters caught up with Rose in a Las Vegas airport and asked him to comment on the revelations about McGwire.  Baseball’s all-time hit leader smiled and said, “It’s tragic. And I win.”

Jan 12

Obama Credits ‘Method Acting’ Guru Lee Strasberg With Teaching Him To Do Negro Dialect

obamamoncoleWASHINGTON - President Obama today today credited the late acting guru Lee Stasberg with teaching him how to do a “negro dialect.”  Mr. Obama made the revelation in response to queries about Sen. Harry Reid’s comment that Obama does not have a “negro dialect unless he wants to have one.”

“I am gratified that Senator Reid recognized my acting skills.  I studied under Lee [Strasberg] for five years, perfecting the [negro] dialect,” said Obama. 

“For the longest time, I just couldn’t get it, and I begged Lee to let me do a British dialect instead.  But Lee held firm and taught me to call upon my ’affective memory,’ where I would summon up memories from my own experience to help me do the dialect.”  Obama said he “summoned up memories of black people I’d seen on television growing up, and that’s what really enabled me to do the dialect.”

Jan 12

Tostitos To Sponsor U.N. Conference On Genocide

Tostitos-Fiesta-Bowl-logoNEW YORK – Frito-Lay, a division of Pepsi-Co, announced yesterday that it will sponsor this February’s U.N. Conference on Genocide. The Conference, which will now be known as “The Tostitos U.N. Conference on Genocide,” will be hosted by popular emcee Ryan Seacrest.  

The sponsorship gives Frito-Lay exclusive rights to all Genocide Conference hearings broadcast from U.N. Headquarters, along with an unspecified percentage of gross sales from the distribution of Genocide Conference apparel and merchandise.

U.N. Secretary General  Ban Ki-moon and Frito-Lay CFO Joseph Dunn touted the sponsorship deal during a noon press conference yesterday.  Both men were wearing 2010 Genocide Conference hooded sweatshirts.

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Jan 11

Sen. Harry Reid Apologizes to Amos ‘n’ Andy For Obama Remarks

a&a2WASHINGTON – Senate majority leader Harry M. Reid has apologized to Amos ‘n’ Andy, the lead characters in a racially offensive radio situation comedy that has been off the air for 50 years, for remarks he made during the 2008 presidential campaign about Barack Obama.

In the remarks in question, Reid said that Obama was “a light-skinned African American with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”

Reid explained this morning that he would have apologized to Rev. Jesse Jackson, except “I can’t understand his dialect.”

Jan 9

Pelosi Defends Use of Cone of Silence for Congressional Health Care Negotiations

COne of Silence“President Obama called for transparency in the negotiations. Well, the Cone of Silence is pretty transparent, don’t you think?” NANCY PELOSI

Jan 8

“Underwear Bomber” Signs Five Year Modeling Deal With Fruit of the Loom

underwearbomber“No one in the world is more closely associated with underwear than Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.  Despite the Christmas terrorist incident, we’re standing behind him no matter what — unless, of course, he cheats on a woman.” NOAH SWAYNE, CEO, Fruit of the Loom

Jan 8

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mel Gibson’s Father Say Death of Holocaust Museum Shooting Suspect a “Hoax”

VonBrunnMugBoth men claim James von Brunn’s demise faked by “Zionist prison conspiracy”

Jan 7

Breakthrough: Scientists Build Broken Clock That Is Right Three Times A Day

StudySmallScientists at Hoboken State University reached a breakthrough by building a broken clock that is right not twice but three times a day. 

The so-called Swayne Clock, named after the scientist in charge of the “broken clock project,”  Dr. Noah Swayne, took two years and $5 million to build.

“It is our hope that in two to four years, we will be able to perfect a broken clock that is right multiple times a day,” explained Dr. Swayne.  “Our ultimate goal is to build a broken clock that is right all the time.”

Jan 7

Obama Says “Red Flags” Were Missed Before Christmas Attack, Vows to “See the Next Ones Myself”

ObamaLookingPresident promises “I’ll do my best,” reminds reporters, “Hey, I inherited this mess.”

Jan 6

Abu Dhabi’s Sheikh Comments on City’s Bail Out That Allowed Dubai to Complete 160 Story Burj Dubai

fred-flintstone“Abu Dhabi Doo!” – FRED FLINTSTONE, Sheikh, Abu Dhabi

Jan 6

Obama Places Johnny Storm on Do-Not-Fly List “For Obvious Reasons”

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Jan 6

Janet Napolitano Says “The System Worked” in Pearl Harbor Attack

pearl-harbor-attack-1WASHINGTON – United States Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said that “the system worked” on December 7, 1941 when the Japanese military attacked the American naval fleet at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii.

“The Pearl Harbor attack couldn’t have gone any better,” she gushed on CNN. “The way that our men who survived the attack scrambled to avoid being killed, the fact that California wasn’t also attacked, our clean-up effort to dispose of the bodies — you name it, it was just a rip-roaring success all around.”

Jan 5

Al Gore’s Soul Transplanted Into His Na’vi Avatar, Ex-VP Pledges Fidelity to Ecosystem Goddess Eywa

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Jan 4

For Steelers to Make Playoffs, Bengals and Jets Must Lose

ASTEELERExperts agree that will be difficult because the Bengals and Jets play each other.

Jan 3

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