Haiti says “we’re doomed.”
Monthly Archives: January 2010
Pirates Owner Bob Nutting Tapped to Rebuild Haiti Due to His Track Record in Pittsburgh
Posted in International News, Sports
Obama Fires Geithner on Way to Podium to Deliver State of the Union Address
Ex-Treasury Secretary disrupts speech gathering his belongings on way out of chamber.
Theologians Extend Doctrine of “Just War” To “Just Road Rage”
VATICAN CITY – Theologians from around the world meeting in a special conclave announced last night that not only is war justified under certain conditions, so is road rage. “In order to meet the conditions for ‘just road rage,’ the driver whose conduct…
Posted in Religion
Obama Calls On David Plouffe to Clean Up His Political Problems
Transcript of private meeting between President Obama, White House senior advisor David Axelrod, and former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, who was brought back to jumpstart Obama’s presidency: PLOUFFE: . . . What you’re going to do immediately is ram health care down…
Posted in Politics
Pittsburgh Pirates collecting donations for Haiti, Haiti collecting donations for Pittsburgh Pirates
Haiti, Pirates issue a joint statement which they say is applicable to both of their collection efforts: “We call upon all people of good will to generously respond to the extreme devastation brought about by this disaster. Your immediate help is crucial, given the bleak and hopeless…
Posted in Sports
GM Recalls 2005 Canyon Pick Ups, Scott Brown Stranded in Massachusetts
Obama pleads ignorance: “Just because I’m in charge of General Motors doesn’t mean I necessarily knew about this recall.”
Posted in Politics
Obama Offers Condolences to Martha Coakley
“Oh, well, I guess this health care thing wasn’t such a great idea after all. Hey, um, Martha, do me a favor, would you? Call the Kennedys and explain how sorry I am that we lost John and Teddy’s seat.”
Posted in Politics
Sen. Arlen Specter Comments on Scott Brown’s Victory
“All that talk about me switching to the Democratic party — I hope everyone knows that was just a joke. I’m actually the 42nd vote to stop health care reform.”
Posted in Politics
Taco Bell Mascot Euthanized After Mauling Fast Food Chain’s Founder to Death
IRVINE, California – Gidget “Taco Bell chihuahua” Chipperton, the iconic mascot of Mexican-style fast food behemoth Taco Bell, was euthanized this morning after mauling to death the chain’s beloved founder, Glen Bell. “Gidget heard somebody yell ‘¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!’ and she just…
Posted in Obituaries
Bill Clinton Tapped to Renegotiate Haiti’s Pact With the Devil
PORT-AU-PRINCE – Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has been retained by Haiti to renegotiate the pact that citizens of the island made with the devil in 1791 in order to free Haiti from French rule. The pact has led to one bad…
Posted in International News
Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort
“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit. The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”
Executor of Johnny Carson’s Estate Wants to Host ‘Tonight Show,’ Leno To Be Bumped
Posted in Entertainment
Atomic Scientists Discover Batteries in Doomsday Clock are Dead, Have No Idea How Close World is to Annihilation
CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of possible global annihilation, discovered today that the clock’s batteries have been dead for an indeterminate amount of time. Records indicate…
Posted in Extras
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
