Pirates Owner Bob Nutting Tapped to Rebuild Haiti Due to His Track Record in Pittsburgh

Bob NuttingHaiti says “we’re doomed.”

Jan 29

White House Crasher Tareq Salahi Almost Delivered State of Union Address

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Jan 29

Reclusive J.D. Salinger a No-Show At Morgue

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Jan 28

Obama Puts on New Face to Salvage Presidency

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Jan 28

Obama Fires Geithner on Way to Podium to Deliver State of the Union Address

YouARE FIRED TIM - Copy-1Ex-Treasury Secretary disrupts speech gathering his belongings on way out of chamber.

Jan 28

In Wake of Massachusetts Election, Health Reform Troubles, Sinking Approval Ratings, Former President Reaches Out to Obama: “You’re Doing a Heckuva Job, Blackie”

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Jan 27

Theologians Extend Doctrine of “Just War” To “Just Road Rage”

swiss-guardVATICAN CITY – Theologians from around the world meeting in a special conclave announced last night that not only is war justified under certain conditions, so is road rage.

“In order to meet the conditions for ‘just road rage,’ the driver whose conduct prompted the rage must have done something to really piss off the person who goes into the rage,” explained Monsignor Hermann Gottlieb.  

“The theologians are unanimous that only the most serious conditions justify road rage, like failing to use a turn signal or driving too slow in the fast lane.”

Jan 27

Obama Calls On David Plouffe to Clean Up His Political Problems

MrWOLFTranscript of private meeting between President Obama, White House senior advisor David Axelrod, and former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, who was brought back to jumpstart Obama’s presidency:

PLOUFFE:  . . . What you’re going to do immediately is ram health care down Congress’ throat, got it?

OBAMA:  A “please” would be nice.

PLOUFFE:  Come again?

OBAMA:  I said a “please” would be nice.

PLOUFFE:  Get it straight, Buster, I’m not here to say “Please.” I’m here to tell you what to do. And if self-preservation is an instinct you possess, you better f***ing do it, and do it quick. I’m here to help. If my help’s not appreciated, lots of luck, gentlemen. If I’m curt with you, it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast, and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, ram the f***ing health care through Congress.

Jan 26

Pittsburgh Pirates collecting donations for Haiti, Haiti collecting donations for Pittsburgh Pirates

hopeforhaitiHaiti, Pirates issue a joint statement which they say is applicable to both of their collection efforts:  “We call upon all people of good will to generously respond to the extreme devastation brought about by this disaster.  Your immediate help is crucial, given the bleak and hopeless prospects for rebuilding.”

Jan 25

GM Recalls 2005 Canyon Pick Ups, Scott Brown Stranded in Massachusetts

scottbrown1_385x185_674718aObama pleads ignorance: “Just because I’m in charge of General Motors doesn’t mean I necessarily knew about this recall.”

Jan 22

Scott Brown Auctions Off Daughters

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Jan 21

Obama Offers Condolences to Martha Coakley

obama-on-the-phone“Oh, well, I guess this health care thing wasn’t such a great idea after all.  Hey, um, Martha, do me a favor, would you?  Call the Kennedys and explain how sorry I am that we lost John and Teddy’s seat.”

Jan 20

Scott Brown Gears Up to Take Ted Kennedy’s Seat

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Jan 20

Sen. Arlen Specter Comments on Scott Brown’s Victory

Specteroct16“All that talk about me switching to the Democratic party — I hope everyone knows that was just a joke.  I’m actually the 42nd vote to stop health care reform.”

Jan 20

Taco Bell Mascot Euthanized After Mauling Fast Food Chain’s Founder to Death

chihuahuaIRVINE, California – Gidget “Taco Bell chihuahua” Chipperton, the iconic mascot of Mexican-style fast food behemoth Taco Bell, was euthanized this morning after mauling to death the chain’s beloved founder, Glen Bell.

“Gidget heard somebody yell ‘¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!’ and she just snapped,” said Taco Bell spokeswoman Rosacea Lugosi.  “She bared her teeth and lunged for Glen’s throat because she thought he was a taco.”

What is left of Mr. Bell will be folded into a hard U-shaped shell and buried tomorrow.

Jan 20

Bill Clinton Tapped to Renegotiate Haiti’s Pact With the Devil

bill-clinton-photographPORT-AU-PRINCE – Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has been retained by Haiti to renegotiate the pact that citizens of the island made with the devil in 1791 in order to free Haiti from French rule.  The pact has led to one bad thing after another.

Television theologian Rev. Pat Robertson revealed the existence of the pact on a recent broadcast of the 700 Club. 

Haiti, which hopes to obtain better terms from the renegotiations, selected Clinton to represent it because it is widely believed that the devil will be able to relate to him.

Jan 19

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

BushIsBack“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Jan 18

Carbolic Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription

DrMartinLutherKingJrIn 1962, singer/activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept and spoke with her secretary. “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said. But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

Jan 18

Executor of Johnny Carson’s Estate Wants to Host ‘Tonight Show,’ Leno To Be Bumped

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Jan 18

Breast Cancer Awareness Nearing Saturation Point, Threatens To Erupt Into Mass Unawareness

breast_cancer_awarenessWASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force said there is “far too much awareness about breast cancer,” and that ” if there’s any more awareness, there’s likely to be a meltdown resulting in mass unawareness.”

The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40.  It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”

Jan 15

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