Monthly Archives: January 2010

Pirates Owner Bob Nutting Tapped to Rebuild Haiti Due to His Track Record in Pittsburgh

Haiti says “we’re doomed.”

Posted in International News, Sports

White House Crasher Tareq Salahi Almost Delivered State of Union Address

Posted in U.S. News

Reclusive J.D. Salinger a No-Show At Morgue

Posted in Obituaries

Obama Puts on New Face to Salvage Presidency

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Obama Fires Geithner on Way to Podium to Deliver State of the Union Address

Ex-Treasury Secretary disrupts speech gathering his belongings on way out of chamber.

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

In Wake of Massachusetts Election, Health Reform Troubles, Sinking Approval Ratings, Former President Reaches Out to Obama: “You’re Doing a Heckuva Job, Blackie”

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Theologians Extend Doctrine of “Just War” To “Just Road Rage”

VATICAN CITY – Theologians from around the world meeting in a special conclave announced last night that not only is war justified under certain conditions, so is road rage. “In order to meet the conditions for ‘just road rage,’ the driver whose conduct

Posted in Religion

Obama Calls On David Plouffe to Clean Up His Political Problems

Transcript of private meeting between President Obama, White House senior advisor David Axelrod, and former Obama campaign manager David Plouffe, who was brought back to jumpstart Obama’s presidency: PLOUFFE:  . . . What you’re going to do immediately is ram health care down

Posted in Politics

Pittsburgh Pirates collecting donations for Haiti, Haiti collecting donations for Pittsburgh Pirates

Haiti, Pirates issue a joint statement which they say is applicable to both of their collection efforts:  “We call upon all people of good will to generously respond to the extreme devastation brought about by this disaster.  Your immediate help is crucial, given the bleak and hopeless

Posted in Sports

GM Recalls 2005 Canyon Pick Ups, Scott Brown Stranded in Massachusetts

Obama pleads ignorance: “Just because I’m in charge of General Motors doesn’t mean I necessarily knew about this recall.”

Posted in Politics

Scott Brown Auctions Off Daughters

Posted in Politics

Obama Offers Condolences to Martha Coakley

“Oh, well, I guess this health care thing wasn’t such a great idea after all.  Hey, um, Martha, do me a favor, would you?  Call the Kennedys and explain how sorry I am that we lost John and Teddy’s seat.”

Posted in Politics

Scott Brown Gears Up to Take Ted Kennedy’s Seat

Posted in U.S. News

Sen. Arlen Specter Comments on Scott Brown’s Victory

“All that talk about me switching to the Democratic party — I hope everyone knows that was just a joke.  I’m actually the 42nd vote to stop health care reform.”

Posted in Politics

Taco Bell Mascot Euthanized After Mauling Fast Food Chain’s Founder to Death

IRVINE, California – Gidget “Taco Bell chihuahua” Chipperton, the iconic mascot of Mexican-style fast food behemoth Taco Bell, was euthanized this morning after mauling to death the chain’s beloved founder, Glen Bell. “Gidget heard somebody yell ‘¡Yo quiero Taco Bell!’ and she just

Posted in Obituaries

Bill Clinton Tapped to Renegotiate Haiti’s Pact With the Devil

PORT-AU-PRINCE – Former U.S. President Bill Clinton has been retained by Haiti to renegotiate the pact that citizens of the island made with the devil in 1791 in order to free Haiti from French rule.  The pact has led to one bad

Posted in International News

Bush Joins Earthquake Relief Effort

“I was relieved that I wasn’t the guy in charge when this Haiti thing hit.  The last thing I’d want to be blamed for is another crisis in Louisiana.”

Posted in Politics, U.S. News, Weather

Executor of Johnny Carson’s Estate Wants to Host ‘Tonight Show,’ Leno To Be Bumped

Posted in Entertainment

Atomic Scientists Discover Batteries in Doomsday Clock are Dead, Have No Idea How Close World is to Annihilation

CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of possible global annihilation, discovered today that the clock’s batteries have been dead for an indeterminate amount of time. Records indicate

Posted in Extras

“Tonight Show” Shakeup: NBC Switches Conans, Says No One Will Notice

Posted in Entertainment
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