Coming Next Week: Who’s Gay and Who’s Not in the Rankin/Bass Christmas Specials

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Dec 10

Man Sues TV Station for Blurring Face, Claims He Can’t Un-blur It

photo-1-blurry-facePITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 32, is suing WPXI-TV for blurring his face in a news story last week because, he says, he cannot un-blur it.

Swayne’s face was blurred in a report dealing with alleged wrongdoing by his employer.  “Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” he said. “Shaving has become impossible.  And everyone accuses me of moving when they take my picture.”

WPXI news director Bradleys Roadhouse said that the blurred look “is an improvement for Mr. Swayne.” 

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Dec 10

Physician Who Treated JFK Dies After Two Year Battle With Lung Cancer, and Because He Knew Too Much

JFKperryMDALLAS – Dr. Malcolm Perry, 80, who struggled unsuccessfully to save President John F. Kennedy after he was shot in Dallas on November 22, 1963, has become the latest witness to the assassination to die under mysterious circumstances.

Physicians say Perry died Saturday of natural causes after a two-year battle with lung cancer, and because he knew too much.

Assassination experts say it is “more than a coincidence” that Dr. Perry, Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby and others connected with that fateful day have died in the 46 years since the assassination, in seemingly unrelated ways.  Prof. Noah Swayne said that the absence of any evidence to tie any of the deaths together “is one of the conspirators’ greatest tricks — in fact, it is strong evidence proving the conspiracy. ”  Dr. Perry’s death, Swayne explained, only underscores that “no one connected with the assassination is safe.  All of them will eventually die, one way or the other.”

Dec 9

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Dec 8

Pittsburgh Pirates Expect To Fill PNC Park on “Tiger Woods’ Mistress Day”

TigerMistressDayPNCPARKThe Pittsburgh Pirates released its promotional schedule for the 2010 baseball season, and the roster of giveaways features an exciting first-time event.  On May 9 when the Bucs play the St. Louis Cardinals, the first 20,000 of Tiger Woods’ bedmates will be admitted free of charge on ”Tiger Woods Mistress Day.”

Bucs’ General Manager Neal Huntington explained that to qualify, the mistresses will need to produce a steamy text or voice mail message from Tiger.

Dec 8

Pentagon Deploys Salvation Army For Afghan Surge

Salvation ArmyWASHINGTON - The U.S. Defense Department announced that the troops being sent to Afghanistan as part of President Obama’s surge are from the Salvation Army.

“All the other military units have been depleted by the war in Iraq, so the Salvation Army is all I had,” chuckled Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.  “I can’t imagine they’re going to be any good in battle, but if we stick them on street corners, my guess is they’ll raise a little money over there.”

Dec 8

Peanuts’ Security Under Investigation After Gate-Crashing Incident

PEANUTS CRASHEDFINALNEW YORK – A security breach at syndicated daily comic strip Peanuts is under investigation after two uninvited guests managed to crash the strip yesterday.

Tereq and Michaele Salahi, aspiring reality television contestants, suddenly appeared without explanation in a panel where Charlie Brown is conversing with his long-time friend Linus van Pelt. 

In other panels, the Salahis are seen shaking hands with the strip’s crabby fuss-budget, Lucy van Pelt, and posing with its iconic beagle, Snoopy.

Mr. Snoopy’s publicist issued a statement on his behalf: “Mr. Snoopy is disappointed that [comic strip newspaper syndication service] United Feature Syndicate unnecessarily exposed the cast of Peanuts to potentially serious harm by employing security procedures that are, by any measure, wanting.  Mr. Snoopy trusts that a thorough investigation into this security breach will be immediately undertaken, and that these extremely serious problems will be remedied before the next strip is drawn.”

Dec 4

Carbolic Smoke Ball Flashback: October 9 1863: Lincoln Says Union Troops Coming Home in 18 Months, Win, Lose, or Draw

lincoln3WEST POINT, N.Y. – Addressing the nation on the progress of the Civil War, President Lincoln apologized for the North’s “mistake” in waging war in the first place and blamed the Buchanan administration for all that’s gone wrong in the war “and everywhere else.”  The president then announced that the Union would see the conflict through to its conclusion, no matter what – so long as the conflict concludes by April 9, 1865, or exactly 18 months from today, because that’s when Union troops will be coming home, ”win, lose, or draw.”

The president acknowledged that signaling the date of troop withdrawal ”probably isn’t such a bright idea,” but to prove he was committed to keeping his word, he said he has purchased tickets to attend a play at Ford’s Theater in Washington on the evening of April 14, 1865.  The president has avoided attending plays while the Union is at war.  “Mrs. Lincoln and I will be seated in the presidential box in case anybody is looking for me,” Lincoln joked.

The president waxed eloquent about the noble cause of eradicating slavery, but added, ”hey, this is really the negros’ fight, not ours.”  In addition:  “We’ll help them to the extent we can, but the days of providing a blank check are over.  So, yeah, good luck to them.”

Dec 3

Obama Deploys 30,000 Troops to PNC Park in Pittsburgh

PNCPITTSBURGHWEST POINT, N.Y. – In a prime-time speech at the U.S. Military Academy, President Obama announced that “it is in our vital national interest” to send 30,000 troops to PNC Park, the home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, “to bring stability to a volatile part of the world, and to a major league baseball team, that has been ravaged by the ruthless, repressive ownership of the Nutting family.”

The president condemned the Nuttings as “extremists who have distorted and defiled our national pastime” and said that they had engaged in “increasingly brazen and devastating acts of terrorism against the people of Western Pennsylvania.” 

The  decision to deploy troops comes amid rising domestic opposition to the move.  A recent Gallop poll showed that an overwhelming majority of Americans favor imploding PNC Park, while the Pirates are inside.

Dec 2

Local Man Retracts Sign of Peace

Holy-WaterPITTSBURGH – Immediately following the 7:30 a.m. Mass at St. Elizabeth Church in suburban Pittsburgh on Sunday, Noah Swayne announced to fellow parishioners that he was retracting the sign of peace he had given to an unnamed parishioner.

Swayne read a hastily prepared statement to about a half-dozen curious parishioners on the steps of the church.

“I regret to announce that after I had given the sign of peace to a certain person, whose name I shall not reveal, I suddenly recalled that some years back, such person was rumored to have engaged in certain misconduct that is altogether too revolting to elaborate upon,” Swayne explained.

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Dec 1

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