Monthly Archives: December 2009

Poll: Men More Receptive Than Women to Airport Full Body Scans

Artist’s renderings: on left, how average woman views herself as she passes through a full body imaging scanner.  On right, how average man views himself passing through the same scanner.

Posted in Opinion Polls, U.S. News

The Year In Review

Charles Dickens might well have been referring to 2009 when he famously wrote:  “It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.”  Here is Carbolic Smoke Ball’s recap of this awful year: NATIONAL NEWS The new administration:  •The United States saw

Posted in Extras

Breaking News: Pittsburgh Steelers Sign Woman Who Knocked Down Pope

VATICAN CITY – The Pittsburgh Steelers have signed the woman who jumped a barricade in St. Peter’s Basilica and knocked Pope Benedict XVI to the floor at the start of midnight Mass. Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will

Posted in Religion, Sports

Police Find Papal Tackle Dummy in Home of Pope’s Assailant, Conclude Assault Was Premeditated

ROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.  “We have

Posted in Crime, Religion

Our Christmas Gift to the World!

By the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor, Carbolic Smoke Ball Dear Readers: Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back.  I

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New “Tickle-Me-Khomeini” Doll the Must-Have Toy for Iranian Kids this Christmas

TEHRAN – Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular “Tickle Me Khomeini” doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls. The cuddly, plush,

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Police Call Abominable Snowman an ‘Abominable Snowman of Interest’ in Climber’s Death

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Our Meteorologist Mikhail Gorbachev Says Winter Storm To Blanket Region for Christmas

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Once the Angel Had Departed, the Shepherds Discussed What They Had Seen

“Of course I’m honored that it was a first, but what the hell is a ‘Noel’?”

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Blitzen’s Elevated Levels of Testosterone Means Lifetime Ban From Reindeer Games

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Hear Da Judge: Christmas Gift Edition

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Director Goes Berserk At Christmas Pageant, Kills Eight Actors, Beagle

SCHULTZVILLE – Charles Brown, recently appointed director of the annual Christmas pageant, is accused of slaughtering eight cast members and a lone beagle last night in a fit of homicidal rage before turning the gun on himself, according to authorities. Detective Dick Tracy, the

Posted in Extras

Clint Eastwood’s “Dirty Herod” Opens Christmas Day

HOLLYWOOD – The newest film from actor-director-producer Clint Eastwood is scheduled for wide release Christmas Day, not a moment too soon for theater owners struggling to sell tickets in a dismal holiday box office season. The movie, entitled “Dirty Herod,” is about a no-nonsense

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Michael Vick’s Dogs Win First Prize in Christmas Decorating Contest

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PNC Bank Says “12 Days of Christmas” Items Would Cost $87,000 Today; Rep. Barney Frank Says He Can Get the Little Drummer Boy For 50 Bucks

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Carbolic Opinion Poll

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Posted in Christmas, Opinion Polls

FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly Calls for Boycott of Prostitutes Who Wish Customers “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”

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FDA Recalls Prescriptions Filled by Pharmacist Emil Gower, All Contained Poison

Twelve-year-old George Bailey arrested for covering up Gower’s misdeeds.

Posted in Christmas

Police on Lookout for Holiday Child Predator

PITTSBURGH – Police are on the lookout for a holiday predator wearing an old silk hat who lures children to follow him down to the village by dancing around through the streets of town. He is described as an albino male

Posted in Christmas

Obama Arrested After Falling For Fake Nobel Peace Prize Sting

OSLO – President Obama was arrested yesterday in a major police sting operation when he came to Oslo City Hall in response to a fake notice that he had won the Nobel Peace Prize.   Mr. Obama was one of 960 persons who received

Posted in U.S. News
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The Carbolic Book Award

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