The new administration:
•The United States saw an historic changing of the guard in January when its first black president took up residence in the White House. Two weeks before the inauguration, President-elect Barack Obama made a triumphant entry into Washington, D.C. riding an ass while an exultant crowd waved palm branches in his path.
•Political commentators lauded President Obama’s inaugural address for not producing any memorable lines, as well as for the absence of eloquence, form, structure, and cohesiveness. One presidential rhetoric expert hailed the speech as a landmark: “In its absence of meaning, President Obama’s speech gave meaning to absence.”
•The inaugural festivities were marred by the seizure suffered by Sen. Ted Kennedy during the dignitaries’ luncheon in the Capitol Building. Kennedy was rushed to a hospital, but fortunately, Pennsylvania’s Governor Ed Rendell was available to finish off Kennedy’s meal.
•The most talked about moment of the day came when Howard Stern found his new “Stuttering John” — Chief Justice John Roberts, who flubbed the oath so badly that Obama had to be brought back that night to retake it. Senator Kennedy was also brought back to have another seizure. This time, the oath took, and Obama was unquestionably president. The rise of the oceans began to slow, and young people hailed Obama’s inauguration a “life altering event.” That, and the Jonas Brothers’ concert film. After dinner the first night in office, the President’s mother-in-law commandeered Air Force One to whisk her to Tuesday night bingo in Chicago.
•Quickly, the new administration’s cabinet took shape. Secretary of the Treasury-designate Timothy Geithner put his tax problems behind him and was sworn in using tax cheat Al Capone’s bible.
•President Obama made his mark on the national consciousness. Ohio welder Noah Swayne, 27, and his buddies played a game in which they each took a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President said the word “look” in a press conference. Doctors attribute Mr. Swayne’s alcoholism to one particular April press conference.
•The new administration suffered its share of gaffes. The White House apologized after it panicked New York City with an Air Force One photo-op flyover of the Statue of Liberty. Two weeks later, it apologized to Hiroshima for its Enola Gay photo-op flyover.
•Vice President Joe Biden panicked the nation when he called for the evacuation of all confined spaces where air doesn’t circulate, especially airplanes and think tanks.
•House Speaker Nancy Pelosi found herself in the eye of a political maelstrom when she claimed she was unaware that the Bush administration tortured war prisoners. Her claim was cast into question when it was revealed that she serves as technical advisor for the “Saw” film series.
•President Obama convened a “beer summit” with Cambridge, Mass. Police Sgt. James Crowley and the man he arrested, Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr. in a racially charged altercation. Crowley and Gates soon hit it off when they checked into a detoxification unit, blaming the beer summit.
•In October, President Obama deployed 40,000 troops to Fox News’ Rockefeller Center headquarters in a stunning surprise attack that quickly wrested control of the conservative cable television news channel from Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation and placed it in the hands of the Obama White House. President Obama appeared on television, with his Nobel Peace Prize slung around his neck, to solemnly announce the start of the war: “My fellow Americans, on my orders, at this moment, American and coalition forces are in the early stages of military operations to liberate the airwaves from Fox News’ atrocities against the truth regarding this administration’s record.”
•On Halloween, Linus and President Obama waited in the pumpkin patch for the Great Pumpkin and change, respectively.
•Immediately upon returning from Denmark where he unsuccessfully appealed to the International Olympic Committee to choose Chicago as host of the 2016 Olympic Games, President Obama traveled to Coney Island to make a personal plea to the International Federation of Competitive Eating to bring Nathan’s International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest to Chicago in 2016.
Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin said the woman will be used to plug up the team’s biggest weakness, the pass defense. She will start in this week’s game against the Ravens.
“We were very, very impressed with the video we saw from Vatican City,” said Tomlin. “After Mass, I telephoned the Holy Father, who confirmed that she landed a good, solid hit. He assured me she’s the real deal, and may be our only hope of making the playoffs.”
ROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
“We have reason to believe that the tackle dummy represents the Pope because the dummy is wearing a Papal mitre and has the word ‘Pope’ written on its shirt,” said Commander Rudolfo Lassparri of the Rome Police Department.
The discovery of the tackle dummy led police to conclude that the attack on the Pontiff was premeditated.
By the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor, Carbolic Smoke Ball
Dear Readers: Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back. I call it, “A Christmas Come True.”
TEHRAN – Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular “Tickle Me Khomeini” doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls.
The cuddly, plush, “Tickle Me Khomeini” features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. Whenever its belly is rubbed, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays.
“Of course I’m honored that it was a first, but what the hell is a ‘Noel’?”
SCHULTZVILLE - Charles Brown, recently appointed director of the annual Christmas pageant, is accused of slaughtering eight cast members and a lone beagle last night in a fit of homicidal rage before turning the gun on himself, according to authorities.
Detective Dick Tracy, the first law enforcement official at the crime scene, described the carnage. “This is without a doubt the most gruesome murder-suicide I have ever had the misfortune to investigate. The savage nature of the wounds inflicted upon the victims indicates Mr. Brown had been planning this heinous act for some time.”
Mr. Brown, who had no close friends, was described by several associates as a “loner” and ”a stupid blockhead.”
HOLLYWOOD - The newest film from actor-director-producer Clint Eastwood is scheduled for wide release Christmas Day, not a moment too soon for theater owners struggling to sell tickets in a dismal holiday box office season. The movie, entitled ”Dirty Herod,” is about a no-nonsense Israelite king who doesn’t play by the rules but always gets results.
“I was intrigued by the numerous catch-phrases in the script, and by the chance to play such a great character,” said Eastwood, who met with critics after a private screening. “‘Dirty Herod’ is the best thing I’ve ever done.”
Many reviewers expressed surprise that Eastwood’s character uses a .44 magnum revolver to keep his kingdom in line. They referred specifically to a scene in which Herod explains to John the Baptist the size and caliber of the gun he’s aiming at him, advising the prone prophet that the weapon could “blow [his] head clean off.”
PNC Bank Says “12 Days of Christmas” Items Would Cost $87,000 Today; Rep. Barney Frank Says He Can Get the Little Drummer Boy For 50 Bucks
FOX News’ Bill O’Reilly Calls for Boycott of Prostitutes Who Wish Customers “Happy Holidays” Instead of “Merry Christmas”
He is described as an albino male with a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. Authorities warn that the predator is armed with a broomstick in his hand. He was last seen running here and there and all around the square, saying “catch me if you can.” Police lost his trail when he seemingly melted away while taunting his pursuers that he’ll be back again one day.
Police are asking for any information regarding suspicious persons matching the predator’s description.
Mr. Obama was one of 960 persons who received the bogus notice in an effort by law enforcement “to have the crooks come to us instead of us going to the crooks,” said Sgt. Noah Swayne, director of the operation. Only twelve fell for it, and all of them were arrested.
Mr. Obama was wanted in connection with falsifying a birth certificate to make it appear he was born in the United States. He is being held in an Oslo jail pending a preliminary hearing on Monday.
Police were disappointed that so few crooks showed up. “Unfortunately, the fake Nobel Peace Prize operation is a trick so common that it only attracts the most gullible.”