“Is It, Like, Any Wonder People Don’t Come Downtown Anymore, With the Veterans Day Parade Cluttering Up Our Streets?”

TeenCriticCommentary by Noah Swayne, Jr., Carbolic Teen Critic

When I’m not knockin’ boots with the GF or waitering at BRAVO! making some serious cheddar, I’m downtown chillaxin with my boys, fo’ shiggidy my weeble! 

But downtown is shitty on Veterans Day, dude.  I mean, is it, like, any wonder regular people like me don’t come downtown any more?  It seems every year on Veterans Day, the dilapidated, ratty-looking veterans of yore gimp along Main Street, cluttering up our central thoroughfare (h/t to Ms. Douglas, English Lit, for that cool word) with their war-mongering nostalgia and such. Thus will it be today as we observe yet another Veterans Day parade.

Like, yawn.

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Nov 11

Weather Channel President Issues Apology For Lackluster Hurricane Season

weatherchannellogoATLANTA - Weather Channel President Mike Kelly issued a public apology last night for what he called a “lackluster” hurricane season.

Mr. Kelly made his remarks in a rare prime-time appearance on his own network.

“Like many of you, I am disappointed in the performance of the weather during the recently completed hurricane season. We know that fans of destructive storms, and I count myself among them, look forward to each new season with great anticipation, so when storms fall short of expectations, whether it be in terms of property damage, or loss of life, we all feel cheated. 

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Nov 11

Obama to Hold Fort Hood Beer Summit with Maj. Hasan and Sgt. Munley

beerWASHINGTON – White House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that President Obama has invited Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter, and Sgt. Kimberly Munley, the police officer who brought him down, to the White House to “lower the temperature” about the incident over a couple of beers.

“The President doesn’t want anyone to jump to conclusions about the shooting,” Gibbs explained.  “He intends for this beer summit to be a learning experience for both Major Hasan and Sgt. Munley.  He’s hoping they can find a constructive way forward, without either finger or gun pointing at one another.”

Gibbs refused to say what brand beer the summit’s attendees would be drinking.  “For Sgt. Munley, I think it’s called Moose Drool or something, and for Major Hasan, nobody here can pronounce it.”

Nov 10

Afghan School Board Debates Merits of Capital Punishment In Schools

torture-1KABUL – The Swat Valley School Board was the scene of a contentious debate last night between Taliban educators and parents over the issue of capital punishment in the classroom.

Dr. Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed, who described himself as a “leading proponent of progressive learning methods,” denounced those who would use death as a tool to modify students’ behavior.

“My research clearly shows that in every instance, torture is a far better option than execution when it comes to creating a better instructional environment in the classroom.”

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Nov 10

Political Pundits: Obama, Not Reagan, Responsible For Fall of Berlin Wall

Berlin Wall-1BERLIN - A summit of journalists from the world’s leading news outlets has put to rest the Western myth that former U.S. President Ronald Reagan played a significant role role in the fall of the Berlin Wall by drawing the Soviet Union into an arms race that was economically disastrous for it. 

The experts’ findings were announced at the conclusion of a three day Cold War summit in which they also concluded that the Berlin Wall is still standing despite widespread rumors it was toppled twenty years ago today. 

If, indeed, the wall was toppled in 1989, the experts agreed, current U.S. President Barack Obama, not Reagan, should be given the credit for it.

Nov 9

Fred Rogers Memorial Combined With WW II Memorial To Save Space

PHOTO FOUR FRED ROGERS

Nov 6

Military Psychiatrist Goes On Shooting Rampage

Dr. BellowsFORT HOOD – Dr. Alfred Bellows snapped after repeatedly failing to prove that Maj. Anthony “Tony” Nelson was “up to something.”

Nov 6

Wal-Mart Now Hiring Actors to Play Fat White Women With Biracial Kids To Give Its Stores “Discount Feel”

Fat-Women-grocery-shopping-editedBENTONVILLE, Ark. - Wal-Mart announced that for the holiday season, it is looking to double the number of actors it uses to portray overweight, Caucasian female shoppers who waddle down its stores’ aisles with biracial children.

“The women need to be anywhere from 80 to 200 pounds overweight,” said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke.  “They must be able to slowly waddle down the aisle while pushing a cart filled with screaming biracial children.  They must not be afraid to slap and scream at the children.”  Mr. Duke said that every third white woman would be accompanied by a black male actor chewing a toothpick.

Mr. Duke explained that Wal-Mart shoppers don’t feel they are getting bargains unless they see the fat white women.  “Our research shows that subliminally, shoppers think, ‘Hey, if those slobs can afford to shop at Wal-Mart, then, wow!  I must be able to afford it, too.’”

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Nov 5

No Matter What Rep. Steny Hoyer Whispered, Speaker Pelosi Was Determined To Change It “To Something Funny” When She Whipered It To The Next Person

APTOPIX Health Care Overhaul

Nov 4

Atta Says His Seventy-Two Virgins Are Homely, Frigid

atta-80PARADISE – Mohammed Atta, the homicidal maniac who, along with nineteen others, hijacked planes and flew them into buildings on September 11, 2001, is unhappy with the seventy-two virgins he received as a result of his martyr’s death.

Mr. Atta made his feelings public in a message left on the Facebook page of Al Qaeda leader and 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.

“These women are extremely unattractive, and, when it comes to satisfying this warrior for Islam, disinterested participants, at best,” he wrote. “Isn’t there some way I can trade these virgins in for a few virgins willing to put out once in a while?”

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Nov 4

Kidnapped UK Couple Gives Somali Captors’ Accommodations an Abysmal 1.5 Rating

paul-and-rachel-chandler-pic-universal-news-and-sport-219151816Paul and Rachel Chandler, the British couple captured by Somali pirates on their yacht in the Indian Ocean, have written a review of their accommodations aboard their captors’ ship:

Never again

We travel often and were very, very disappointed with our accommodations on our captors’ ship.  Location is good, but we did not feel safe. The staff’s English is limited.  We asked for, and were promised, a non-smokers’ room, but, alas, the previous kidnapped occupant obviously was a smoker. All the beds are twins.  Towels are cheap, cheap, cheap.  There was a hair in the tub, and even the soap was dirty.  No iron; no coffeemaker.  In short, if you want to be pampered, this is not the place.  And when we learned they were demanding $7 million from the British government for us, all we could do was scoff.  No way are we getting amenities worth anywhere near that.

Paul & Rachel

Nov 3

Local Man “Finally Right” After He Gets “Daylight Saving” Hour Back

NEW YORK - Local U.S. letter carrier Noah Swayne says he is “finally right” after daylight savings time ended early yesterday morning and he “got that hour of sleep back.” 

Swayne claims that ever since daylight saving time took effect last spring, he has suffered a continuous stream of ailments, including acute headaches and chronic lethargy.  He admits to being involved in no fewer than 13 vehicular mishaps, and he accidentally chopped off two fingers.  “And I think I’m wanted for a hit-and-run in Idaho or someplace,” Swayne chuckled. 

His defense is ironclad.  “It’s that damn hour I lost.”

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Nov 2

Mercury Theater Broadcast of “An Inconvenient Truth” Creates National Panic

welllesNEW YORK – The Mercury Theater production of Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” which aired last Friday night on the Columbia Broadcasting System, is being blamed for creating a national scare that sent tens of thousands of listeners into a full blown panic.

According to eyewitnesses, immediately following the conclusion of the program, great mobs of people rushed through towns hither and yon trying to purchase sandbags in an attempt to save their property from the encroaching oceans. 

One man in a Hoboken apartment building allegedly strangled a fellow tenant when he observed him using an aerosol can of deodorant.

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Nov 2

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