ATLANTA - Weather Channel President Mike Kelly issued a public apology last night for what he called a “lackluster” hurricane season. Mr. Kelly made his remarks in a rare prime-time appearance on his own network. “Like many of you, I am…
Monthly Archives: November 2009
Obama to Hold Fort Hood Beer Summit with Maj. Hasan and Sgt. Munley
WASHINGTON – White House press secretary Robert Gibbs announced that President Obama has invited Major Nidal Malik Hasan, the Fort Hood shooter, and Sgt. Kimberly Munley, the police officer who brought him down, to the White House to “lower the temperature” about the incident over…
Afghan School Board Debates Merits of Capital Punishment In Schools
KABUL – The Swat Valley School Board was the scene of a contentious debate last night between Taliban educators and parents over the issue of capital punishment in the classroom. Dr. Ahmed Ahmed Ahmed, who described himself as a “leading…
Posted in International News
Political Pundits: Obama, Not Reagan, Responsible For Fall of Berlin Wall
BERLIN - A summit of journalists from the world’s leading news outlets has put to rest the Western myth that former U.S. President Ronald Reagan played a significant role role in the fall of the Berlin Wall by drawing the Soviet Union into an arms race that…
Posted in International News
Military Psychiatrist Goes On Shooting Rampage
FORT HOOD – Dr. Alfred Bellows snapped after repeatedly failing to prove that Maj. Anthony “Tony” Nelson was “up to something.”
Posted in Crime
Wal-Mart Now Hiring Actors to Play Fat White Women With Biracial Kids To Give Its Stores “Discount Feel”
BENTONVILLE, Ark. - Wal-Mart announced that for the holiday season, it is looking to double the number of actors it uses to portray overweight, Caucasian female shoppers who waddle down its stores’ aisles with biracial children. “The women need to be anywhere from 80…
Posted in Economy
No Matter What Rep. Steny Hoyer Whispered, Speaker Pelosi Was Determined To Change It “To Something Funny” When She Whipered It To The Next Person
Posted in Politics
Atta Says His Seventy-Two Virgins Are Homely, Frigid
PARADISE – Mohammed Atta, the homicidal maniac who, along with nineteen others, hijacked planes and flew them into buildings on September 11, 2001, is unhappy with the seventy-two virgins he received as a result of his martyr’s death. Mr. Atta…
Posted in International News
Kidnapped UK Couple Gives Somali Captors’ Accommodations an Abysmal 1.5 Rating
Paul and Rachel Chandler, the British couple captured by Somali pirates on their yacht in the Indian Ocean, have written a review of their accommodations aboard their captors’ ship: Never again We travel often and were very, very disappointed with…
Posted in Extras
Local Man “Finally Right” After He Gets “Daylight Saving” Hour Back
NEW YORK - Local U.S. letter carrier Noah Swayne says he is “finally right” after daylight savings time ended early yesterday morning and he “got that hour of sleep back.” Swayne claims that ever since daylight saving time took effect last spring, he has suffered a continuous stream of…
Mercury Theater Broadcast of “An Inconvenient Truth” Creates National Panic
NEW YORK – The Mercury Theater production of Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth,” which aired last Friday night on the Columbia Broadcasting System, is being blamed for creating a national scare that sent tens of thousands of listeners into a…
Posted in Extras
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
“Is It, Like, Any Wonder People Don’t Come Downtown Anymore, With the Veterans Day Parade Cluttering Up Our Streets?”
Commentary by Noah Swayne, Jr., Carbolic Teen Critic When I’m not knockin’ boots with the GF or waitering at BRAVO! making some serious cheddar, I’m downtown chillaxin with my boys, fo’ shiggidy my weeble! But downtown is shitty on Veterans Day, dude. I…
Posted in Commentary