Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Lured Out of Retirement to Write Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and at least portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” is coming out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he has bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders but that the Subway offer was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

The first ad, which will appear in major U.S. daily newspapers this Sunday, simply says “Fresh and Delicious.” Sorsenson explained that he spent seven weeks coming up with that one. “People claim I invented succinctness in prose,” he smiles sheepishly. “I didn’t invent it. I’m just the lightning rod that attracts it.”  

To prepare for this assignment, Sorensen analyzed Galileo’s Renunciation, Lincoln’s Second Inaugural, and the scripts for Burger King’s TV spots “with that creepy guy who looks like a king.” Much of his preparation entailed “meditating — trying to discern, what would President Kennedy want me to write?”

His next project for Subway is to develop a slogan for Five Dollar Foot-Long submarine sandwiches. “This is the most delicate project I’ve been involved in since the Cuban Missile Crisis,” Sorensen said. “Back in 1962, the world was stunned when Russian subs carried nuclear missiles to Cuba. Today, the world is stunned once more by Subway’s subs carrying meatballs, veggies, and oven-roasted chicken to hungry Americans everywhere.”

Sorenson revealed he is mulling Subway’s offer to redo their restroom signs directing employees to wash their hands before returning to work. “I’ve spent my entire life in public service and, frankly, I can’t think of anything more important than washing your hands after you pee,” Sorensen explained, slamming his hand on the desk. Sorensen stared at President Kennedy’s painting for what seemed an eternity. “I’m sure President Kennedy would agree with that.”

Nov 20