“Is It, Like, Any Wonder People Don’t Come Downtown Anymore, With the Veterans Day Parade Cluttering Up Our Streets?”

TeenCriticCommentary by Noah Swayne, Jr., Carbolic Teen Critic

When I’m not knockin’ boots with the GF or waitering at BRAVO! making some serious cheddar, I’m downtown chillaxin with my boys, fo’ shiggidy my weeble! 

But downtown is shitty on Veterans Day, dude.  I mean, is it, like, any wonder regular people like me don’t come downtown any more?  It seems every year on Veterans Day, the dilapidated, ratty-looking veterans of yore gimp along Main Street, cluttering up our central thoroughfare (h/t to Ms. Douglas, English Lit, for that cool word) with their war-mongering nostalgia and such. Thus will it be today as we observe yet another Veterans Day parade.

Like, yawn.

Those old men in their wheelchairs act like they’re still wounded, for fucks sake, or not right in the head, some of them. Others, they walk upright carrying flags and what-not, looking altogether too proud of themselves for whatever reason, with their medals pinned all over their old-man shirts.  They smell of Metamucil and Vitalis, and their faces look like horse hide left out in the elements way too long.

Seriously, dude, I, for one, don’t care about whatever the fuck sacrifice these old dudes made back, like, in Biblical times.  Are these the kinds of people we want hanging around downtown? What kind of Velcro-sneaker, early-bird special, retirement community image are we trying to, like, foster here?

If our town father dudes want this town to rock, they’ll have to sponsor a video game tournament or something, with hot chicks and beer.  And these old men have to go away and die.

Then, and only then, maybe we’ll attract the right kind of people downtown.

Nov 11