Wal-Mart Now Hiring Actors to Play Fat White Women With Biracial Kids To Give Its Stores “Discount Feel”

Fat-Women-grocery-shopping-editedBENTONVILLE, Ark. - Wal-Mart announced that for the holiday season, it is looking to double the number of actors it uses to portray overweight, Caucasian female shoppers who waddle down its stores’ aisles with biracial children.

“The women need to be anywhere from 80 to 200 pounds overweight,” said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke.  “They must be able to slowly waddle down the aisle while pushing a cart filled with screaming biracial children.  They must not be afraid to slap and scream at the children.”  Mr. Duke said that every third white woman would be accompanied by a black male actor chewing a toothpick.

Mr. Duke explained that Wal-Mart shoppers don’t feel they are getting bargains unless they see the fat white women.  “Our research shows that subliminally, shoppers think, ‘Hey, if those slobs can afford to shop at Wal-Mart, then, wow!  I must be able to afford it, too.’”

Actress Kathy Swayne is set to start her second holiday season at Wal-Mart’s West Mifflin, Pennsylvania store.  “I just finished a nine month road tour doing ‘Rent,’ but I find the Wal-Mart gig to be a real opportunity to hone my craft.”  Swayne weighs 120 pounds but when she’s in costume, it appears she weighs 350. 

Swayne wasn’t sure she’d be invited back this season because she was reprimanded last year by the store’s manager for softly singing Cole Porter tunes while she waddled.  She laughs about it now. “OK, not exactly in character, was it?  Maybe this year I’ll try Gershwin or Sondheim.”

Nov 5