Atta Says His Seventy-Two Virgins Are Homely, Frigid

atta-80PARADISE – Mohammed Atta, the homicidal maniac who, along with nineteen others, hijacked planes and flew them into buildings on September 11, 2001, is unhappy with the seventy-two virgins he received as a result of his martyr’s death.

Mr. Atta made his feelings public in a message left on the Facebook page of Al Qaeda leader and 9/11 mastermind Osama Bin Laden.

“These women are extremely unattractive, and, when it comes to satisfying this warrior for Islam, disinterested participants, at best,” he wrote. “Isn’t there some way I can trade these virgins in for a few virgins willing to put out once in a while?”

Late yesterday, a man who identified himself as Mr. Atta’s “death counselor” issued a statement on behalf of his former employer. “When we promised the delivery of seventy-two virgins, we offered no guarantees as to their physical appearance or the quality of their love-making. Had Mr. Atta taken the time to read the fine print on our contract instead of rushing through the process so he could attend an improvisational comedy workshop, he would have understood. As it stands, we are under no obligation to entertain Mr. Atta’s request for substitute virgins.”

The spokesman added that Al Qaeda would have no further comment on the matter.

Nov 4