Ghost of President Taft Sighted at White House Refrigerator Looking for Thanksgiving Leftovers

Nov 27

Macy’s Balloon Hoax Uncovered

PHOTO TWO MACY'SNEW YORK – Federal officials say that the claim of department store behemoth Macy’s that six-year-old boys are trapped inside every one of its iconic Thanksgiving Day parade balloons is a hoax. 

The publicity stunt was hatched by new Macy’s employee Richard Heene.

Nov 26

Turkey Pardoned By Obama: “No Secret Deal”

The PardonWASHINGTON – The turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual thanked the President after returning to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors circulating in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey.”

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, I’m just a punchline.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

Nov 25

Hear da Judge: Thanksgiving Edition

Nov 25

Carbolic Flashback: November 27, 1623: “The First Thanksgiving Heralds Thousands of Years of Peace and Brotherhood Between the White Man and The Indian”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Honorable Winthrop Peckham

Rejoice, my brothers, for the harvest is rich, and our men have labored mightily.  My lone regret is that I was unable to participate in the back-breaking labors attendant to the harvest this year, inasmuch as I was felled by the gout, coincidentally,  just as I was last year at the time the physical labor was most intense.  But, just as last year, miraculously, now that the harvest is ended, I am entirely well, and I shall not want this winter thanks to the labors of others.

Tonight, in profound THANKSGIVING for this bounty, I invite Squanto, he of the Patuxet tribe, and some 90 braves to join us for a feast of turkey, eel, and fowl that I fervently pray will become an annual rite of thanksgiving for the gifts spread at our feet. Fittingly, I have resolved to call this annual rite “THE FEAST OF TURKEY, EEL AND FOWL.”

I anticipate that in years to come this feast will be celebrated with parades that include giant balloons, senseless family squabbling, inexplicable overeating, and the solidification of rigid gender roles which dictate that the women serve the men, who shall do nothing but eat and fart.

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Nov 25

Task Force Declares December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month”

breast-cancer-image1WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which last week reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40, today declared December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month.”

Dr. Bruce N. Calonge, chair of the Task Force, explained: “Women are too uptight about death and disease, so December is the month we want them to chill out, stick their heads in the sand, and don’t worry about breast cancer.”

Dr. Calonge urged women younger than 50 ”to ignore the advice of doctors they trust and who are familiar with their medical histories if they suggest they should have mammograms.”  He slammed his hand on the desk and raised his voice.  “Who are these frauds, and what do they know about genius?  They are not fit to carry my stethoscope.”

He added that the Task Force will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” next May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”

Nov 24

Hillary Bares All For Playgirl

The long-awaited photos from Hillary Clinton’s Playgirl photo shoot arrive on the iconic magazine’s website later today.  The magazine assures us that, unlike last week’s disappointing Levi Johnston photos, the Hillary pictures include plenty of penis shots.  In the meantime, we have a sneak preview (NSFW), after the jump:

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Nov 23

Max Schreck: “I Should Have Been In Twilight”

NosferatuHOLLYWOOD - Max Schreck, the world’s most beloved on-screen vampire and star of the 1922 classic “Nosferatu,” is furious that the producers of the “Twilight” film series didn’t offer him a role.

Mr. Schreck made his feelings known in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight anchorwoman Mary Hart that aired last night.

“What does Robert Pattison have that I don’t have?” he asked. “Do the hacks running these studios really believe that millions of teenage girls are going to flock to theaters to see that pasty-faced twit? Mark my words: this picture is going to be a bigger disaster than the Hindenburg. And believe me, I know. I flew Hindenburg on my first trip to the states.”

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Nov 23

Carbolic Remembers the JFK Assassination

Dealey Plaza4

Nov 20

JFK EVICTED FROM PARKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

PHOTO ONE PARKLAND HOSPITALPresident John F. Kennedy was evicted from Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas this morning because, the hospital said, his health insurance lapsed.

Until this morning, Kennedy was widely believed to have died at the hospital on November 22, 1963 after being shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.  The hospital admitted that, in fact, Kennedy survived and has been living on the top floor of the building since the shooting.

But the hospital said the former President’s health insurance lapsed “some time ago,” and that “he must go.”

President Obama told reporters that “the shameful treatment of President Kennedy by the hospital only underscores the necessity for healthcare reform.”

Nov 20

Zapruder Still Heads to Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble

PHOTO TWO ABE ZAPRUDERAbraham Zapruder, who captured the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy in a famous home movie, reports to Dealey Plaza every day with movie camera in hand, manning the same perch on the grassy knoll where he was standing that fateful day, 46 years ago this coming Sunday.

“You never know when some international incident is going to strike on Elm Street again,” Zapruder explained.

Nov 20

Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Lured Out of Retirement to Write Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and at least portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” is coming out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he has bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders but that the Subway offer was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

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Nov 20

Local Man Buys JFK Limo, Sues Previous Owner After Carfax Reveals Vehicle Was Involved in Presidential Assassination

KennedyCar

Nov 20

Abraham Zapruder Lured Out of Retirement to Film Oreo Commercial

zaprudercameraDALLAS – Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women’s clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the popular Oreo sandwich cookie.

Zapruder, who has turned down hundreds of similar offers since that fateful day, decided this was the right project because “the twin chocolate biscuits have mesmerized the taste buds of the nation in much the same way that the assassination of President Kennedy mesmerized the nation’s taste for news in 1963.

Zapruder says he’ll use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination. Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved cookie is pulled apart.

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Nov 20

Carbolic Smoke Ball Flashback: November 22, 1963: The Film Review Lee Harvey Oswald Was Writing at the Time of His Arrest

Dallas TheaterAfter President Kennedy was shot, his assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was captured inside the Texas Theater in Dallas watching a motion picture called “War is Hell.”  Here is the film review Oswald was writing at the time of his capture:

 ONE MAN’S HEAVEN IS ANOTHER MAN’S ‘WAR IS HELL’

 War is Hell is about the Korean War or something.  Please excuse me if I’m sketchy on the plot because I came in late.  I was downtown . . . doing something.

 World War II hero Audie Murphy, narrates the film.  I, for one, could never understand how the name “Audie” is suitable for a guy.

 The actors who play the platoon members all seem to be about the right age, which is a first for Hollywood, in contrast to, say, the Borscht Belt comics who play the sailors in the popular TV sitcom “McHale’s Navy,” whose average age is 58. 

 Oh, no, they’re coming for me! The jig is up . . . .

 Editor’s note: The review abruptly ends here.

Nov 20

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Signs Exclusive Contract With Fruit Of The Loom

mohammedNEW YORK – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has signed an exclusive contract with Fruit of The Loom, Inc. that requires him to wear only Fruit of The Loom undershirts for the duration of his pending trial in Federal Court.

Mr. Mohammed is accused of planning the attacks on the World Trade Center which led to the deaths of over three thousand Americans.

“I think we can all agree that nobody wears an undershirt like Khalid,” said Joe Dunn, an underwear industry analyst. “I think Fruit of The Loom is banking on a long trial, to allow maximum exposure for their product.”

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Nov 19

Obama to Raise Army’s Morale With Talent Show

rockettes1WASHINGTON – President Obama announced a plan to stem plummeting morale among U.S. troops in Afghanistan: a good old fashioned talent show.

“It’s about time we put a big smile on the face of every soldier serving in Afghanistan by staging the biggest doggone talent show that country, or for that matter, any country, has ever seen,” the President said in a written statement. 

“There are a heck of a lot of really talented kids right under our noses, gosh darn it, serving in the armed forces of the good old US of A.  As their Commander-in-Chief, I am ordering them to put on their tap shoes and to bring their best singing voices, because we’re going to have more fun than a big old barrel of monkeys!  And, best of all, it won’t cost us anything because farmer Thompson said we could use his barn, which is about ten miles south of Kabul.”

General Stanley McChrystal, the top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, said the talent show will raise the morale of U.S. troops, provided the President also sends over an additional 40,000 troops.

Nov 18

Obama’s Bow to Emperor Akihito a Personal Best

Memorial Day 003President Obama’s 87 degree angle bow easily beats his previous best, the 78 degree angle bow to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia last April.  Obama said he is ”pleasantly surprised” by the record, especially since there’s no royalty to practice on back in the U.S.

Nov 17

Ancient Mayan Realtor Credited With Popularizing Mayan Calendar

MayanCalendarFinalABCArchaeologists credit an ancient Mayan realtor with popularizing the Mayan calendar that predicted the world will end in 2012. 

Ak’b'al Realtors, which touted itself as “serving pre-Columbian MesoAmerica since 700 B.C.,” gave away thousands of the calendars every holiday season as a promotional gift.  If it weren’t for the give-away, experts say, the Mayan calendar likely would be forgotten.

“We have uncovered evidence that Mr. Ak’b'al was a true pioneer in the ancient realtor community,” said Cornell professor of archaeology Noah Swayne.  “Aside from the calendars, he invented the practice of erecting signs in front of adobe huts that said ’sale pending.’  He was also the first to insist that the agents in his office drive expensive carriages to give the appearance of being successful.”

Nov 16

Pope Convenes Vatican Council To Discuss Sweeping Changes In Notre Dame Football

swiss-guardVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict yesterday convening a new Vatican Council to adress the possibility of sweeping changes in the way the game of football is celebrated by the University of Notre Dame.

The Council will be attended by the entire College of Cardinals as well as former Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz and the staff of ESPN’s College Gameday.

“I have heard the cries of the beleaguered subway alumni who worship at the altar of the football club from South Bend,” said the Pope. “It is my fervent hope that over the course of our discussions, and many hours of prayerful contemplation, guided by the Holy Spirit, we will be able to chart a course for our beloved team that can take us to a BCS Bowl next year, and for years to come.”

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Nov 16

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