NEW YORK – Federal officials say that the claim of department store behemoth Macy’s that six-year-old boys are trapped inside every one of its iconic Thanksgiving Day parade balloons is a hoax.
The publicity stunt was hatched by new Macy’s employee Richard Heene.
Carbolic Flashback: November 27, 1623: “The First Thanksgiving Heralds Thousands of Years of Peace and Brotherhood Between the White Man and The Indian”
Rejoice, my brothers, for the harvest is rich, and our men have labored mightily. My lone regret is that I was unable to participate in the back-breaking labors attendant to the harvest this year, inasmuch as I was felled by the gout, coincidentally, just as I was last year at the time the physical labor was most intense. But, just as last year, miraculously, now that the harvest is ended, I am entirely well, and I shall not want this winter thanks to the labors of others.
Tonight, in profound THANKSGIVING for this bounty, I invite Squanto, he of the Patuxet tribe, and some 90 braves to join us for a feast of turkey, eel, and fowl that I fervently pray will become an annual rite of thanksgiving for the gifts spread at our feet. Fittingly, I have resolved to call this annual rite “THE FEAST OF TURKEY, EEL AND FOWL.”
I anticipate that in years to come this feast will be celebrated with parades that include giant balloons, senseless family squabbling, inexplicable overeating, and the solidification of rigid gender roles which dictate that the women serve the men, who shall do nothing but eat and fart.
WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which last week reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40, today declared December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month.”
Dr. Bruce N. Calonge, chair of the Task Force, explained: “Women are too uptight about death and disease, so December is the month we want them to chill out, stick their heads in the sand, and don’t worry about breast cancer.”
Dr. Calonge urged women younger than 50 ”to ignore the advice of doctors they trust and who are familiar with their medical histories if they suggest they should have mammograms.” He slammed his hand on the desk and raised his voice. “Who are these frauds, and what do they know about genius? They are not fit to carry my stethoscope.”
He added that the Task Force will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” next May to raise money “for anything except breast cancer.”
The long-awaited photos from Hillary Clinton’s Playgirl photo shoot arrive on the iconic magazine’s website later today. The magazine assures us that, unlike last week’s disappointing Levi Johnston photos, the Hillary pictures include plenty of penis shots. In the meantime, we have a sneak preview (NSFW), after the jump:
HOLLYWOOD - Max Schreck, the world’s most beloved on-screen vampire and star of the 1922 classic “Nosferatu,” is furious that the producers of the “Twilight” film series didn’t offer him a role.
Mr. Schreck made his feelings known in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight anchorwoman Mary Hart that aired last night.
“What does Robert Pattison have that I don’t have?” he asked. “Do the hacks running these studios really believe that millions of teenage girls are going to flock to theaters to see that pasty-faced twit? Mark my words: this picture is going to be a bigger disaster than the Hindenburg. And believe me, I know. I flew Hindenburg on my first trip to the states.”
Local Man Buys JFK Limo, Sues Previous Owner After Carfax Reveals Vehicle Was Involved in Presidential Assassination
DALLAS – Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women’s clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the popular Oreo sandwich cookie.
Zapruder, who has turned down hundreds of similar offers since that fateful day, decided this was the right project because “the twin chocolate biscuits have mesmerized the taste buds of the nation in much the same way that the assassination of President Kennedy mesmerized the nation’s taste for news in 1963.
Zapruder says he’ll use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination. Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved cookie is pulled apart.
NEW YORK – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has signed an exclusive contract with Fruit of The Loom, Inc. that requires him to wear only Fruit of The Loom undershirts for the duration of his pending trial in Federal Court.
Mr. Mohammed is accused of planning the attacks on the World Trade Center which led to the deaths of over three thousand Americans.
“I think we can all agree that nobody wears an undershirt like Khalid,” said Joe Dunn, an underwear industry analyst. “I think Fruit of The Loom is banking on a long trial, to allow maximum exposure for their product.”
WASHINGTON – President Obama announced a plan to stem plummeting morale among U.S. troops in Afghanistan: a good old fashioned talent show.
“It’s about time we put a big smile on the face of every soldier serving in Afghanistan by staging the biggest doggone talent show that country, or for that matter, any country, has ever seen,” the President said in a written statement.
“There are a heck of a lot of really talented kids right under our noses, gosh darn it, serving in the armed forces of the good old US of A. As their Commander-in-Chief, I am ordering them to put on their tap shoes and to bring their best singing voices, because we’re going to have more fun than a big old barrel of monkeys! And, best of all, it won’t cost us anything because farmer Thompson said we could use his barn, which is about ten miles south of Kabul.”
General Stanley McChrystal, the top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, said the talent show will raise the morale of U.S. troops, provided the President also sends over an additional 40,000 troops.
President Obama’s 87 degree angle bow easily beats his previous best, the 78 degree angle bow to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia last April. Obama said he is ”pleasantly surprised” by the record, especially since there’s no royalty to practice on back in the U.S.
Archaeologists credit an ancient Mayan realtor with popularizing the Mayan calendar that predicted the world will end in 2012.
Ak’b'al Realtors, which touted itself as “serving pre-Columbian MesoAmerica since 700 B.C.,” gave away thousands of the calendars every holiday season as a promotional gift. If it weren’t for the give-away, experts say, the Mayan calendar likely would be forgotten.
“We have uncovered evidence that Mr. Ak’b'al was a true pioneer in the ancient realtor community,” said Cornell professor of archaeology Noah Swayne. “Aside from the calendars, he invented the practice of erecting signs in front of adobe huts that said ‘sale pending.’ He was also the first to insist that the agents in his office drive expensive carriages to give the appearance of being successful.”
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict yesterday convening a new Vatican Council to adress the possibility of sweeping changes in the way the game of football is celebrated by the University of Notre Dame.
The Council will be attended by the entire College of Cardinals as well as former Notre Dame Coach Lou Holtz and the staff of ESPN’s College Gameday.
“I have heard the cries of the beleaguered subway alumni who worship at the altar of the football club from South Bend,” said the Pope. “It is my fervent hope that over the course of our discussions, and many hours of prayerful contemplation, guided by the Holy Spirit, we will be able to chart a course for our beloved team that can take us to a BCS Bowl next year, and for years to come.”
Roman Polanski Cuts Plea Bargain, Will Wear Sign Outside Mall: “I Had Quasi-Consensual Sex With A 13-Year-Old”
LOS ANGELES – Roman Polanski has worked out a plea bargain with the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office that will keep him out of prison but will force him to wear a sign outside the Beverly Center Mall every day for one week that says: “I had quasi-consensual sex with a 13-year-old girl.”
Polanski pled guilty in 1977 to one count of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with then-13-year-old Samantha Geimer, but he fled to France before sentencing.
Polanski’s lawyer said the humiliation of wearing a sign is almost more punishment than the iconic director can bear. A major sticking point was the wording of the sign. Polanski insisted on using the term “consensual,” but the D A’s office held firm about including the word “quasi.” The other hold-up was Polanski’s insistence on specifically stating that the 13-year-old was a girl because “I don’t want people to think I’m a queer.”
Polanski also must agree “never to do it again,” which he said won’t be difficult since Ms. Geimer is now 45 years old and “have you gotten a look at her lately?”
“I am announcing a policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ for all radical jihadists serving openly in the U.S. military.”
WASHINGTON – Sandra Day O’Connor, who retired from the Supreme Court in 2005 to care for her ailing husband, says she wants her seat back now that her husband, John J. O’Connor, III, is dead. Mr. O’Connor died Wednesday of complications from Alzheimer’s disease.
Former Justice O’Connor has confided to friends that the newest member of the Court, Sonia Sotomayor, should “take a hike” so O’Connor can return.
“She said, ‘The bitch should split,’ and that’s an exact quote,” said a close friend of the O’Connor family who spoke on condition of anonymity. A former O’Connor aide said the retired Justice recently asked him: ”‘What the hell kind of name is ‘Sonia’ anyway? Is that some kind of goofy Puerto Rican tribal thing or something?”
QATTAR - A new study commissioned by the Society For The Destruction of Western Civilization released today concludes that many Arab students do not possess the requisite terror skills to wage jihad in the twenty-first century.
“We are failing our children,” said Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri, a self-described leader in what he calls the growing field of advanced mayhem creation.
“What does it say about the job we are doing when we are sending kids out into the world with little or no ability to handle a grenade launcher, little or no ability to make their own bombs, and little or no desire to slaughter for the sake of their God? We need to take a good look at ourselves and find out where we went wrong, before it’s too late.”