Monthly Archives: November 2009

Ghost of President Taft Sighted at White House Refrigerator Looking for Thanksgiving Leftovers

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Posted in U.S. News

Macy’s Balloon Hoax Uncovered

NEW YORK – Federal officials say that the claim of department store behemoth Macy’s that six-year-old boys are trapped inside every one of its iconic Thanksgiving Day parade balloons is a hoax.  The publicity stunt was hatched by new Macy’s employee

Posted in Crime

Hear da Judge: Thanksgiving Edition

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Posted in Commentary

Carbolic Flashback: November 27, 1623: “The First Thanksgiving Heralds Thousands of Years of Peace and Brotherhood Between the White Man and The Indian”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Honorable Winthrop Peckham Rejoice, my brothers, for the harvest is rich, and our men have labored mightily.  My lone regret is that I was unable to participate in the back-breaking labors attendant to

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Posted in Commentary, History

Task Force Declares December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month”

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which last week reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40, today declared December “Breast Cancer Unawareness Month.”

Posted in Health

Hillary Bares All For Playgirl

The long-awaited photos from Hillary Clinton’s Playgirl photo shoot arrive on the iconic magazine’s website later today.  The magazine assures us that, unlike last week’s disappointing Levi Johnston photos, the Hillary pictures include plenty of penis shots.  In the meantime, we have a sneak preview (NSFW), after the

Posted in Entertainment, Extras

Max Schreck: “I Should Have Been In Twilight”

HOLLYWOOD – Max Schreck, the world’s most beloved on-screen vampire and star of the 1922 classic “Nosferatu,” is furious that the producers of the “Twilight” film series didn’t offer him a role. Mr. Schreck made his feelings known in an exclusive

Posted in Entertainment

Carbolic Remembers the JFK Assassination

Posted in Extras

Local Man Buys JFK Limo, Sues Previous Owner After Carfax Reveals Vehicle Was Involved in Presidential Assassination

Posted in Extras

Abraham Zapruder Lured Out of Retirement to Film Oreo Commercial

DALLAS – Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women’s clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Signs Exclusive Contract With Fruit Of The Loom

NEW YORK – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has signed an exclusive contract with Fruit of The Loom, Inc. that requires him to wear only Fruit of The Loom undershirts for the duration of his pending trial

Posted in Business, U.S. News, War

Obama to Raise Army’s Morale With Talent Show

WASHINGTON – President Obama announced a plan to stem plummeting morale among U.S. troops in Afghanistan: a good old fashioned talent show. “It’s about time we put a big smile on the face of every soldier serving in Afghanistan by staging the biggest doggone

Posted in War

Obama’s Bow to Emperor Akihito a Personal Best

President Obama’s 87 degree angle bow easily beats his previous best, the 78 degree angle bow to King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia last April.  Obama said he is “pleasantly surprised” by the record, especially since there’s no royalty to practice on back in the

Posted in U.S. News

Ancient Mayan Realtor Credited With Popularizing Mayan Calendar

Archaeologists credit an ancient Mayan realtor with popularizing the Mayan calendar that predicted the world will end in 2012.  Ak’b’al Realtors, which touted itself as “serving pre-Columbian MesoAmerica since 700 B.C.,” gave away thousands of the calendars every holiday season as a promotional

Posted in History

Pope Convenes Vatican Council To Discuss Sweeping Changes In Notre Dame Football

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI issued a papal edict yesterday convening a new Vatican Council to adress the possibility of sweeping changes in the way the game of football is celebrated by the University of Notre Dame. The Council

Posted in Religion

Richard Heene Says Six-Year-Old Son is Trapped Inside Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree

Posted in Christmas

Roman Polanski Cuts Plea Bargain, Will Wear Sign Outside Mall: “I Had Quasi-Consensual Sex With A 13-Year-Old”

LOS ANGELES – Roman Polanski has worked out a plea bargain with the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office that will keep him out of prison but will force him to wear a sign outside the Beverly Center Mall every day for one

Posted in Legal News

Obama Cracks Down on Radical Jihadists in the Military

“I am announcing a policy of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,’ for all radical jihadists serving openly in the U.S. military.”

Posted in U.S. News, War

Sandra Day O’Connor Wants Supreme Court Seat Back, Tells Sotomayor to “Take A Hike”

WASHINGTON – Sandra Day O’Connor, who retired from the Supreme Court in 2005 to care for her ailing husband, says she wants her seat back now that her husband, John J. O’Connor, III, is dead. Mr. O’Connor died Wednesday of

Posted in Legal News

Study: Many Arab Students Falling Behind Peers In Basic Terror Skills

QATTAR – A new study commissioned by the Society For The Destruction of Western Civilization released today concludes that many Arab students do not possess the requisite terror skills to wage jihad in the twenty-first century. “We are failing our children,” said Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri,

Posted in International News
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