Interview With a Vampire

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Founder Rufus Peckham – I sat down with Carlo Cullen, a 412-year-old vampire, for high tea at the William Penn Hotel yesterday. Cullen was in town to promote his book, “Send Me No Garlic,” and wanted to clear up myths about the undead. Cullen explained: 

*Vampires have nothing against sunlight. They merely have a skin reaction to it, the same as Michael Jackson did. I asked Cullen if Michael Jackson was a vampire. He just smiled.

*Vampires do not live in backwater places like Transylvania where there’s no night-life. “We can only come out at night, so — duh! — all vampires live in either Las Vegas or New York City.”

*Shaving is “a pain in the neck, pun intended, because we can’t see ourselves in the mirror,” Cullen explained.

*Vampires aren’t as stupid as they are portrayed in the movies. “We are immortal except for a wooden stake, OK? Why would we tick off the local vampire hunter by biting his niece’s neck? Give us some credit!”

Oct 30