White House Taps Ex-VP Spiro Agnew To Be Obama’s Son of a Bitch

Spiro_AgnewWASHINGTON – The White House announced that Spiro Agnew, Vice President under Richard Nixon from 1969 to 1973, is coming out of retirement to serve as the administration’s Enemies List Czar due to his reputation for hurling stinging invective at political opponents, often using alliterative epithets.  Agnew’s official title will be Archivist of Executive Branch Adversaries. 

“I am pleased to announce that Former Vice President Spiro Agnew has agreed to serve as my son of a bitch,” President Obama said in a prepared statement last night.  The President’s comments made clear that Agnew was being brought on board primarily due to the administration’s dissatisfaction with FOX News.

“Despite the uncritical favor I’ve been shown by almost all the major news organizations, FOX News’ fair and balanced treatment of my administration continues to stick in my craw,” the President explained. ”I am, therefore, directing Vice President Agnew to come up with scathing alliterations to be used against that news channel.”

“As your president, it’s my duty to be honest with you, and the truth is, I haven’t been able to think of anything except FOX News for at least the past month,” the President said.  “Hopefully, Vice President Agnew’s presence will allow me to work on other problems facing this nation, such as the economy, the nuclear threat posed by Iran, and stuff like that.”

The President added that Agnew’s role won’t be limited to FOX News but will include mindlessly attacking health insurers, the International Olympic Committee, ”and anyone else who won’t play ball with this administration.”

Oct 26