Mother Angelica: “I Had An Inappropriate Imaginary Relationship With Johnny Weissmuller”

glenn36NEW YORK - Mother Angelica shocked her studio audience last night by revealing that she once had what she called an “inappropriate imaginary relationship” with former matinee idol and Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weissmuller. 

“Do you have time for a story?” she asked, before launching into a mesmerizing eleven minute monologue that was at times both uncomfortable and spellbinding.

“I spent a good part of every day gazing at Johnny’s picture, imagining what it would be like to live in a jungle tree house with a chimpanzee,” she said. “I fantasized about enjoying a chaste relationship with a man who walked the Earth wearing only a loincloth. Eventually, I went too far. I drew a heart, and in the middle I wrote ‘Anjelica + Johnny.’ I’ve carried that shame for seventy years.”

Joe Dunn, CEO of Good and Slick Inc., a Manhattan public relations firm, praised Mother Angelica’s handling of the matter. “Mother got out in front of this thing,” he said. “By confronting the story head on, on her own terms, with her trademark wit, she controls the spin. I would advise the politicians and celebrity types she skewers on a regular basis to follow her example.”

Mother Angelica is the latest talk show host to drop a biographical bombshell on her viewers. Last week CBS late night star David Letterman used his show to inform viewers that he was the victim of an extortion plot. And this past Monday, NBC’s Jay Leno confessed to murdering twenty-seven women over a twenty-five year period. Mr. Leno said that strangling people was the only way to relieve the stress that comes with performing stand-up comedy.

Oct 7