Monthly Archives: October 2009

Linus, Obama, Wait in Pumpkin Patch for Great Pumpkin, Change

Posted in Extras

Hoodlums Egg Bin Laden Cave In Devil’s Night Prank

PESHAWAR – Osama Bin Laden, feared leader of the world’s most nefarious terror organization, awoke yesterday to find the aluminum siding on his cave splattered with eggs. “Every devil’s night it’s the same thing,” he complained. “Wait until I get my hands on

Posted in Extras

Bela Lugosi: “Let’s Get the Old Gang Together and Remake ‘Twilight’ the Right Way!”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Guest Critic Bela Lugosi In three weeks, the pea-brained, estrogen-poisoned teenage girls of America will be flocking to see the next abomination in the “Twilight Saga,” which they’ve deluded themselves into thinking are vampire flicks. The “Twilight” films

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Posted in Entertainment, Pop Culture

Interview With a Vampire

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Founder Rufus Peckham – I sat down with Carlo Cullen, a 412-year-old vampire, for high tea at the William Penn Hotel yesterday. Cullen was in town to promote his book, “Send Me No Garlic,” and

Posted in Extras

Bride Won’t Stand By Monster After Latest Indiscretions

BERLIN – The agent for the Bride of Frankenstein, Scott Boras, said the Bride won’t stand by her man following his latest indiscretions, which include setting fire to a blind man’s hut and murdering peasants. “The Bride wants it known

Posted in Extras

Zombie-Meister Tapped to Run Pirates

PITTSBURGH – Zombie film director George Romero has been named the Pittsburgh Pirates’ General Manager, said team president Frank Coonelly.  Coonelly said that Romero was picked because of his proven track record for raising the dead. Romero said he’ll fit right in with

Posted in Extras

Judge To Mummy: Trespassing In Tomb Not Grounds For Use of Deadly Force

THE HAGUE – The International Court issued a stern rebuke to the Mummy yesterday, holding that illegal entry into one’s tomb is insufficient grounds for use of deadly force. The ruling is viewed by many legal experts as a death-blow for

Posted in Extras

FDA Recalls Dr. Jekyll’s “Change” Potion

WASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration today recalled the potion that Dr. Henry Jekyll uses to transform himself into repugnant, loathsome, and disgusting Mr. Edward Hyde, noting that “concoctions designed to tranform persons into monsters are inherently dangerous.” Mr. Hyde

Posted in Extras

Larry Talbot Snags Big Bucks to Tout Philips Bodygroom Razor For Men

“Guys, I clean up my nether region as a courtesy to the ladies. If I can do it, so can you.”

Posted in Extras

Werewolves Pressure Obama To Support Lycanthropy Research

WASHINGTON – After the moon rose in the evening sky last evening, hundreds of angry werewolves, many of them chanting and carrying signs, marched down Pennsylvania Avenue toward the White House, hoping to obtain the support of the Obama administration in their quest for

Posted in Extras

Northwest’s Latest Ad Campaign Trumpets 150 “Bonus” Miles on Every Flight

EAGAN, Minn. – Northwest Airlines unveiled an ad campaign that capitalizes on the error of a Northwest pilot who overshot his intended destination by 150 miles.  The airline is tacking on an additional 150 miles for every flight and calling them “bonus” miles. Northwest’s competitors claim the ad is deceptive because

Posted in Extras

Obama: No Swine Flu Vaccine for Fox News

WASHINGTON – President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency and ordered scarce dosages of the vaccine allocated for pregnant women, critical health care and public safety workers, and all major news organizations except Fox News. “Fox is not a news

Posted in Health

For our Western Pennsylvania readers, two great Halloween events: Walking Tour of Haunted, Historic South Side, and the popular Dinner with Goose Bumps.  Details at Haunted Pittsburgh

Posted in Extras

White House Taps Ex-VP Spiro Agnew To Be Obama’s Son of a Bitch

WASHINGTON – The White House announced that Spiro Agnew, Vice President under Richard Nixon from 1969 to 1973, is coming out of retirement to serve as the administration’s Enemies List Czar due to his reputation for hurling stinging invective at political opponents, often using

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

God: “I Had Nothing To Do With Touchdown”

HEAVEN – God, the Alpha and the Omega, creator of the heavens and Earth who has on occasion played an important role in the outcome of professional athletic contests across America, said he had nothing to do with the touchdown pass

Posted in Religion, Sports

Amelia Earhart Emerges From Box In Garage Attic

FORT COLLINS – Amelia Earhart, famed aviatrix who was thought to have perished while attempting a dangerous flight across the Pacific in 1937, emerged from a cardboard box in the attic of a garage here yesterday. Ms. Earhart pronounced herself “pleased

Posted in U.S. News

Roethlisberger Accuser Amends Complaint, Claims Courthouse Clerk Also Raped Her

RENO – The woman who alleged in a civil suit that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted her at Harrah’s Casino in July 2008 has amended her complaint to claim that the clerk of courts also raped her at the time she filed her complaint

Posted in Extras

Nobel Prize Stunner!

Special report by Gaylord “Gay” Mann, Carbolic Smoke Ball homosexual correspondent- Audible gasps, then applause, erupted after Thorbjorn Jagland, chair of the Nobel Committee, announced that  Levi Johnston, the hunky, 19-year-old ex-paramour of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, is the winner of this year’s Nobel

Posted in Politics

Plastic Surgeons Reveal Words They Hear Most Often: “Make Me Look Like Larry Fine”

HOLLYWOOD – The American Society of Plastic Surgeons revealed the most common request made to plastic surgeons by both male and female patients: to look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges. “Mr. Fine brought incalculable joy to all the peoples of

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Posted in Health

Falcon Heene Blurts Out “Climate Change Just A Show,” Al Gore Charged With Perpetrating Hoax

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Al Gore has been charged with a felony for perpetrating a hoax on the American people in connection with his work in publicizing the purported seriousness of climate change.  The charge was leveled after Gore made an appearance on CNN with six-year-old Falcon

Posted in Environment
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