Linus, Obama, Wait in Pumpkin Patch for Great Pumpkin, Change

GreatPumpkinObama

Oct 30

Our Annual Halloween Safety Tips

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham – It’s Halloween week, and thousands of you have written to ask me to run my annual list of safety tips for trick or treating.  Here it is: 

Tip #1: Keep a detailed log of all candy received: Write down the name of the candy, its lot number, and donor; retain all wrappers; ask the donor if he saved the receipts and staple them to the log; have the donor initial the log; have the log notarized first thing the next morning.  Creating a chain of custody makes for a fun and safe Halloween!

 Tip #2:  Only visit the homes of people you trust.  My test is foolproof: Before Halloween, ask the homeowner, “Will you help me hide the body?”  If he or she says “yes,” it’s a safe house.

Read more

Oct 30

Hoodlums Egg Bin Laden Cave In Devil’s Night Prank

bin-ladenPESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden, feared leader of the world’s most nefarious terror organization, awoke yesterday to find the aluminum siding on his cave splattered with eggs.

“Every devil’s night it’s the same thing,” he complained. ”Wait until I get my hands on those punks.”

Mr. Bin Laden said he ”had a pretty good idea” about the identity of the culprits. “It’s got to be Mullah Omar’s kids. They’re left home by themselves a lot while Mullah’s out fomenting jihad. And Mrs. Mullah is one of those parents who finds fault with everyone’s kids except her own. The litte brats,” he muttered.

Read more

Oct 30

Bela Lugosi: “Let’s Get the Old Gang Together and Remake ‘Twilight’ the Right Way!”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Guest Critic Bela Lugosi

In three weeks, the pea-brained, estrogen-poisoned teenage girls of America will be flocking to see the next abomination in the “Twilight Saga,” which they’ve deluded themselves into thinking are vampire flicks.

The “Twilight” films are not vampire flicks.

I cannot write what “Twilight” really is because this is a family news outlet, but suffice it to say that “Twilight” was the worst motion picture ever produced. The video from an ATM surveillance camera is better than this drek. “Twilight” was an open sewer, a damnable pit of putrefaction, an atrocity, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten and putrid in the debris of human depravity.

Read more

Oct 30

Interview With a Vampire

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Founder Rufus Peckham – I sat down with Carlo Cullen, a 412-year-old vampire, for high tea at the William Penn Hotel yesterday. Cullen was in town to promote his book, “Send Me No Garlic,” and wanted to clear up myths about the undead. Cullen explained: 

*Vampires have nothing against sunlight. They merely have a skin reaction to it, the same as Michael Jackson did. I asked Cullen if Michael Jackson was a vampire. He just smiled.

*Vampires do not live in backwater places like Transylvania where there’s no night-life. “We can only come out at night, so — duh! — all vampires live in either Las Vegas or New York City.”

Read more

Oct 30

Bride Won’t Stand By Monster After Latest Indiscretions

Photo One Bride of FrankensteinBERLIN – The agent for the Bride of Frankenstein, Scott Boras, said the Bride won’t stand by her man following his latest indiscretions, which include setting fire to a blind man’s hut and murdering peasants.

“The Bride wants it known that she is not a ‘50s housewife who will tolerate her husband’s boorish behavior,” said Boras. “She is an empowered, modern woman.”

“I know that she’s ‘empowered,’ because I saw the electricity surging through her body when they brought her to life. Furthermore, I know that she’s ‘modern’ because they just assembled her last Thursday.”

The Frankenstein monster issued a statement in response: “Grrrrr!”

Oct 29

Zombie-Meister Tapped to Run Pirates

Photo Three ZombiesPITTSBURGH – Zombie film director George Romero has been named the Pittsburgh Pirates’ General Manager, said team president Frank Coonelly. 

Coonelly said that Romero was picked because of his proven track record for raising the dead.

Romero said he’ll fit right in with the team because he is accustomed to working with personnel “who don’t move quickly and who don’t have much of a future.”

Oct 29

Dracula Files Product Liability Suit Against Wooden Stake Manufacturers

Count DraculaTRANSYLVANIA – Count Dracula, the 435-year-old Transylvanian nobleman and vampire, has filed a class action suit against seven manufacturers of wooden stakes, alleging that the product they put into the stream of commerce ”is inherently defective and has proximately caused serious personal injury to similarly situated vampires.”  The Count is seeking damages in excess of $75,000 plus punitive damages.

“The damn things are not safe,” Dracula told a reporter.  “You can quote me on that.” 

Dracula directed all further inquiries to his counsel, Gloria Allred.

Oct 29

Judge To Mummy: Trespassing In Tomb Not Grounds For Use of Deadly Force

Photo Two MummyTHE HAGUE - The International Court issued a stern rebuke to the Mummy yesterday, holding that illegal entry into one’s tomb is insufficient grounds for use of deadly force.

The ruling is viewed by many legal experts as a death-blow for Mummy vigilantism.

The court wrote: “While we cannot endorse the odd uninvited visit to the Mummy’s tomb by treasure hunters, archaeologists, or the curious, and conceding that their presence alone in the tomb could be viewed as an insensitive intrusion upon the eternal sleep of the dead, we must conclude that such behavior does not rise to a level that would justify their death by strangling.”

Read more

Oct 29

FDA Recalls Dr. Jekyll’s “Change” Potion

dr-jekyll-and-mr-hyde-march-hopkinsWASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration today recalled the potion that Dr. Henry Jekyll uses to transform himself into repugnant, loathsome, and disgusting Mr. Edward Hyde, noting that “concoctions designed to tranform persons into monsters are inherently dangerous.”

Mr. Hyde issued a written statement in response: “Grrrrr.”

Oct 28

Larry Talbot Snags Big Bucks to Tout Philips Bodygroom Razor For Men

Talbot“Guys, I clean up my nether region as a courtesy to the ladies. If I can do it, so can you.”

Oct 28

Werewolves Pressure Obama To Support Lycanthropy Research

WereWolfWASHINGTON – After the moon rose in the evening sky last evening, hundreds of angry werewolves, many of them chanting and carrying signs, marched down Pennsylvania Avenue toward the White House, hoping to obtain the support of the Obama administration in their quest for more Federal funding to combat  lycanthropy.

“We’re here! We howl! Cure lycanthropy now!” they shouted, bringing traffic to a standstill along the National Mall.

Police monitoring the protest described the group as mostly peaceful.

Read more

Oct 28

Northwest’s Latest Ad Campaign Trumpets 150 “Bonus” Miles on Every Flight

IMG_3196EAGAN, Minn. - Northwest Airlines unveiled an ad campaign that capitalizes on the error of a Northwest pilot who overshot his intended destination by 150 miles.  The airline is tacking on an additional 150 miles for every flight and calling them ”bonus” miles.

Northwest’s competitors claim the ad is deceptive because Northwest has not altered its routes, it has just changed the supposed destinations.  For example, passengers flying from Chicago to Philadelphia will need to book a flight to Lewistown, Pennsylvania instead of Philadelphia, which is 150 miles beyond Lewistown.  The flight would not actually land in Lewistown but in Philadelphia, and the airline will claim that passengers got the “extra” miles for free.

“This scheme doesn’t give passengers any additional value,” said an American Airlines official who asked not to be named.  “All it does is create confusion.”

In related news, the pilot who overshot his destination, Tim Cheney, is now insisting that a gremlin on the plane’s wing took control of the aircraft and wouldn’t let it land.

Oct 27

Obama: No Swine Flu Vaccine for Fox News

swine_flu_troubleWASHINGTON – President Obama declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency and ordered scarce dosages of the vaccine allocated for pregnant women, critical health care and public safety workers, and all major news organizations except Fox News.

“Fox is not a news organization,” said White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel on ”Meet the Press” on Sunday.  ”Fox is the communications arm of the Republican Party, and, therefore, undeserving of any special allocation of swine flu vaccine.  They should have thought about the possibility of getting sick before they decided to attack this administration.”

On “Face the Nation,” Vice President Biden discussed the reasons for the shortage of the swine flu vaccine.  “Most people don’t know that the virus has to be grown in chicken eggs,” Biden explained.  “This raises the question, which came first, the chicken or the swine flu? I often lie awake at night pondering such imponderables.”

Oct 27

HauntedLogo[1]For our Western Pennsylvania readers, two great Halloween events:

Walking Tour of Haunted, Historic South Side, and the popular Dinner with Goose Bumps. 

Details at Haunted Pittsburgh

Oct 27

White House Taps Ex-VP Spiro Agnew To Be Obama’s Son of a Bitch

Spiro_AgnewWASHINGTON – The White House announced that Spiro Agnew, Vice President under Richard Nixon from 1969 to 1973, is coming out of retirement to serve as the administration’s Enemies List Czar due to his reputation for hurling stinging invective at political opponents, often using alliterative epithets.  Agnew’s official title will be Archivist of Executive Branch Adversaries. 

“I am pleased to announce that Former Vice President Spiro Agnew has agreed to serve as my son of a bitch,” President Obama said in a prepared statement last night.  The President’s comments made clear that Agnew was being brought on board primarily due to the administration’s dissatisfaction with FOX News.

“Despite the uncritical favor I’ve been shown by almost all the major news organizations, FOX News’ fair and balanced treatment of my administration continues to stick in my craw,” the President explained. ”I am, therefore, directing Vice President Agnew to come up with scathing alliterations to be used against that news channel.”

Read more

Oct 26

God: “I Had Nothing To Do With Touchdown”

god2HEAVEN - God, the Alpha and the Omega, creator of the heavens and Earth who has on occasion played an important role in the outcome of professional athletic contests across America, said he had nothing to do with the touchdown pass caught by Dallas Cowboys receiver Miles Austin in the Cowboys’ 37-21 victory over the Falcons.

“I’d like to take credit for the catch, especially since Miles was so quick to give Me all the credit in his post-game remarks, but I didn’t see it.”

God said he regretted missing the play. “From what I’ve been told, Miles did a great job of getting open, and I guess Tony (Romo) made a heckuva throw.” He then chuckled. “Can I say ‘heckuva’?” he quipped.

Read more

Oct 26

Amelia Earhart Emerges From Box In Garage Attic

the-manFORT COLLINS - Amelia Earhart, famed aviatrix who was thought to have perished while attempting a dangerous flight across the Pacific in 1937, emerged from a cardboard box in the attic of a garage here yesterday.

Ms. Earhart pronounced herself “pleased as punch” that the elaborate ruse she undertook to fake her own death created such worldwide attention. “This is going to make it much easier for me to get my own reality television show,” said Ms. Earhart, who steadied herself with a cane.

“I have spent the past seventy-two years in that damn box, but now I’m going to land the big pay day I always felt I deserved.”

Read more

Oct 23

Roethlisberger Accuser Amends Complaint, Claims Courthouse Clerk Also Raped Her

Big BenRENO – The woman who alleged in a civil suit that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger sexually assaulted her at Harrah’s Casino in July 2008 has amended her complaint to claim that the clerk of courts also raped her at the time she filed her complaint against Roethlisberger.  The woman claims that the clerk performed the criminal act to curry favor with Mr. Roethlisberger, and that Harrah’s approved of it.

This news outlet does not publish the names of alleged victims of sexual assault.  The woman, Andrea McNulty, claims that the clerk of courts raped her while holding her down with one arm and time-stamping her complaint and processing her filing fee with the other.

Ms. McNulty’s attorney, Bradleys Roadhouse, said that by the time he’s through with this case, he ”might just get hot and accuse every citizen of Reno of being in on it.”

Oct 22

Nobel Prize Stunner!

levi-johnston-sarah-palin-quitSpecial report by Gaylord “Gay” Mann, Carbolic Smoke Ball homosexual correspondent- Audible gasps, then applause, erupted after Thorbjorn Jagland, chair of the Nobel Committee, announced that  Levi Johnston, the hunky, 19-year-old ex-paramour of Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter, Bristol, is the winner of this year’s Nobel Prize for Opmerkelijke Bijdragen in het Ontsporen van Politieke Ambities van een Rechtse Nutjob, or, “Outstanding Contributions in Derailing Political Ambitions of a Right Wing Nutjob,” a new Nobel category this year.  Bristol Palin finished a strong second.

The scales tipped in Mr. Johnston’s favor after it was revealed that the gorgeous dreamboat is planning to pose for Playgirl Magazine.  Pant, pant, pant!  It would be difficult to think of anything that could embarrass the Palin banshee more than to have the tallywacker of her grandchild’s father splashed all over the Internet.  That is, other than to have that same tallywacker where it was last year at this time, which led to said grandchild.

Mr. Johnston said he was humbled by the award, but added he wasn’t sure what the word “humbled” meant.

Oct 20

Next Page →