Obama Sidelined With Translucent Skin Attributed To Overexposure

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WASHINGTON – President Obama cancelled his appearance in Pittsburgh Tuesday to address the AFL-CIO convention after White House physcians say his skin started to glow with a bright light of unknown origin that shines from his every pore. 

Members of the White House staff reportedly were forced to wear sunglasses when speaking with Mr. Obama on Monday, and Mrs. Obama told a Washington insider that the dazzling light kept her awake all night Monday.  “His skin was white as snow,” she said. 

Physicians said the condition is due to overexposure.  “We warned the President this would happen to him if he insisted on being on television every time you turn it on,” said Obama’s physician Dr. Noah Swayne.  

Former Chairman of the Democratic National Committee and physican Howard Dean rejected the overexposure diagnosis and said Obama is experiencing a transfiguration akin to the one Jesus experienced, according to the New Testament.

Sep 15

Steelers Coach Calls on Women to Falsely Accuse Running Backs of Rape

tomlinfalserape[1]PITTSBURGH – Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin came under fire from men’s rights groups when he said it is “the civic duty” of the city’s women to falsely accuse the team’s running backs of rape.

Tomlin said he’s counting on false rape accusations to jump-start the Steelers’ moribund running game in much the same way that Andrea McNulty’s rape claim appears to have lit a fire under quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Roethlisberger passed for 363 yards and engineered the 18th comeback victory of his six-year career to defeat the Tennessee Titans last Thursday.

Men’s rights groups condemned Tomlin’s invitation as “barbaric.” NOW president Rosacea Swayne said she would “make a few calls and see what I can do” for the coach.

Sep 14

Following Rep. Joe Wilson’s Apology to Obama and Not to Him, Jesse Jackson Admits: “I’m No Longer Head Black”

Sep 14

Kanye West Crashes Hillary Clinton Speech

KanyeHillaryAngry rapper grabs mic, insists Beyonce should have been named Secretary of State

Sep 13

Roethlisberger’s Former Lovers Subpoenaed for Depositions in “Rape” Trial

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Sep 11

Carbolic Opinion Poll

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Sep 11

GOP Rebuttal to Obama Speech: Rep. Joe Wilson Shouting “You Lie” At Camera For Forty Minutes

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Sep 10

Obama Health Plan Will Cover Man-Made Creatures

MadScientist“Anyone here in this country, whether conceived naturally or by a mad scientist, is entitled to coverage,” President Obama told Congress.

Sep 10

Commentary: The PGA Owes It to Arnold Palmer to Let Him Win One More Tournament

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Founder Rufus Peckham - Today marks the 80th birthday of golf’s greatest champion, Arnold Palmer, and every decent American should be damn mad about it. 

You see, “The King” (yes, dear readers, Arnie was royalty long before Elvis, the white guy who sang black,  or Michael Jackson, the black guy who turned white) retired from professional golf with scarcely any fanfare, much less the hoopla he deserved.  This is how we treat our champions?

I have a proposal to honor the man who still has more charisma in his little putter than all the current crop of colorless golfers combined, including the temperamental Woods kid: let him win one more tournament. 

Just hear me out.   Would it kill the PGA to give the proud but decrepit veterans of “Arnie’s Army” one final thrill on their way to that 19th hole in the sky by letting The King pull out one last tournament?

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Sep 10

GOP Offers Alternative to Obama Health Plan: First Aid Kits in Every Company Cafeteria

Health PlanWASHINGTON – Republicans offered an alternative to President Obama’s plan to expand health care coverage to all Americans. Rep. Charles Boustany of Louisiana explained that unlike the Obama plan, which would require employers to provide coverage, the GOP plan would require every employer with twenty-five or more employees to have a first aid kit in the company cafeteria.

Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H., said that the President’s “supposed health care fix is a health care failure and a disaster for the American people.”  The GOP alternative, in contrast, will offer affordable and effective health care for all employees.

“Our plan offers bandages, headache pills and cures for stomach aches,” Judd explained.  “Our plan will render medical treatments more accessible than ever. No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure.”

Sep 10

Obama Speech to Students Sent Out Hidden Communist Message Via High Frequency

obama-480aWASHINGTON – Even adults who give the Obama administration low marks initially praised the President’s address to school children, which stressed the importance of staying in school. 

But public opinion turned on the President when it was later revealed that during the speech, the White House emitted an ultra high-pitch frequency only children and teenagers can hear that was filled with Communist propaganda. 

“We have determined that the sound was in the 24000 Hz range, and virtually no adult, much less a stodgy member of the GOP, could hear it,” explained Dr. Noah Swayne, Director of the Hoboken Medical Center Audiology Department.  “We have deciphered the sound, and it is a screechy woman’s voice reading quotations from [Communist guru] Karl Marx.  We think it was Hillary.”

Vice President Biden defended the White House’s action.  “Hell, forget Karl Marx, did you know that if you play the speech backwards, you can hear the President say ‘Paul is Dead’?  That is so cool.”

Sep 9

Van Jones Releases Evidence Damning Bush Administration

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Sep 8

Embattled White House Latin American Czar Che Guevara Quits

CheWASHINGTON – President Barack Obama’s Latin American adviser Ernesto “Che” Guevara, who became embroiled in controversy over his association with world revolution, has resigned his White House job after what he calls a “vicious smear campaign against me.”

The resignation came just days after Mr. Guevara was forced to issue public apologies for causing the Cuban Missile Crisis, advocating world revolution, and ordering the wholesale murder of innocent men and boys who opposed the Castro regime in Cuba. 

“I am sorry if my conduct has offended anyone,” Mr. Guevara wrote last week.

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Sep 8

Olympic Torch Implicated in Wildfire Arson

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee was charged with arson yesterday after police concluded that the iconic Olympic Torch was used to start the massive wildfire that has scorched 226 square miles north of Los Angeles.

Police say the Olympic Torch also may have been used to start as many as nine fires from California all the way to the Pocono Mountains of Pennsylvania.

The FBI said it is investigating the Olympic Torch’s possible connection to the MGM Grand Hotel fire in Las Vegas in 1980.

Sep 4

Existentialist Remembers Exactly Where He Was When President Kennedy Was Shot, But Keeps Pondering Why He Was There

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Sep 3

Tragedy: Clock Cleaner Didn’t Realize That In 20 Minutes He Would Be Knocked to Earth

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Sep 3

Democrats Deny Politicizing Kennedy’s Death By Toting His Corpse to Meetings Promoting Health Care Plan

TeddyWASHINGTON – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi defended taking the corpse of the late Senator Ted Kennedy to a meeting with AARP members to promote President Obama’s health care reform yesterday.

“The old people – they just loved seeing Senator Kennedy,” Pelosi said.  She noted that the meeting was cut short after a few minutes ”because the stench got to be too much for them.  You know how persnickety the elderly can be.”

Earlier, Vice President Biden landed himself in hot water over the Kennedy corpse because of an insensitive remark he made to a reporter.  Biden was asked if he thought it was inappropriate to tote Senator Kennedy’s body to meetings with constituents, and he quipped, “What do you care?  He’s not driving.”  Biden later called Senator Kennedy’s widow, Vicki, to apologize, but repeatedly called her “Ethel.”

Next week, Biden plans to take Michael Jackson’s corpse to the White House to “perform” for the Obama children.

Sep 2

Man Recovers Repressed Memory, Recognizes Restaurant Steak Knife as Instrument that Circumcised Him

FlashbackNEW YORK – Noah Swayne had the shock of his life last night when he recognized a steak knife at local restaurant Vitas Vinifera as the instrument that circumcised him when he was an infant 32 years ago. 

When the waitress put the knife down next to his steak, Swayne knew he had seen it, and his mind instantaneously raced back to a large white room. 

“I’m lying on a small plastic bed, which has contours that fit my body,” Swayne explained.  “My arms and legs are strapped  down, and I’m completely immobile.  I struggle to break free, but it’s no use.  I glance up, and I’m surrounded by people wearing masks.  My first thought is that I am witnessing a bank robbery.  I soon discover these people are planning to take something from me far more valuable than money.”

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Sep 1

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