Monthly Archives: September 2009

Obama Heads to Coney Island to Snag Hotdog Eating Contest for Chicago

WASHINGTON – President Obama will travel to Coney Island on Friday to make a personal plea to the International Federation of Competitive Eating to bring Nathan’s International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest to Chicago in 2016.  (The 2009 contest, in which Pennsylvania Governor Ed

Posted in U.S. News

Obama Says Iran Must “Come Clean” About Intent to Build Atomic Fireball Plant

PITTSBURGH – President Obama put Iran on notice that it must come clean about its intentions to build an Atomic Fireball plant or else “face sanctions that have as much bite as the delightful spicy red candy itself.” “The international community has spoken, and it will not

Posted in International News

Our Special Commemorative G20 Edition

In today’s Pittsburgh Trib p.m.  See it here

Posted in International News, Local News

Glenn Beck Wanted in Rash of Burglaries After Using Key to City to Break Into Homes, Bank Vaults

MOUNT VERNON, Wash. — The Mayor of Glenn Beck’s hometown, Mount Vernon, Washington, issued a plea for Beck to turn himself into police this morning after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of burglaries over the weekend

Posted in Local News

Swiss Police Arrest Director of “Howard the Duck” on U.S. Request

ZURICH – Just hours after Swiss police arrested film director Roman Polanski on charges that he fled the U.S. after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse, they arrested director Willard Huyck on charges that he directed “Howard the Duck” in 1986, considered

Posted in Crime, Entertainment

Pirates Add G-20 Protesters to Roster

PITTSBURGH – Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington made a scouting visit in the city’s Lawrenceville neighborhood yesterday and quickly signed thirty-two G-20 protesters. He said they would be added to the major league roster immediately. “My chief goal was to find

Posted in International News, Local News, Sports

Pittsburgh Touts Revitalization at G-20, Boards Up Downtown

PITTSBURGH – Last night, visiting dignitaries arrived at the G-20 summit in this former steel capital of the world, which is hoping to use the international stage to showcase its revitalization as a 21st Century economy.  But fears about protesters forced hundreds of local businesses

Posted in International News, Local News

Gadhafi in Tearful UN Reunion With Brother Chico

Libyan leader Moamer Gadhafi is stunned by a surprise visit from his brother Chico in the middle of his United Nations General Assembly address yesterday

Posted in International News

Senate Votes to Extend Jobless Benefits, Penises

WASHINGTON – The Senate approved a bill extending unemployment benefits for 13-weeks, and penises up to three inches. The penis rider to the legislation was the brainchild of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, who lobbied for its passage by telephoning Senators who were on the fence up to the day he

Posted in Gender News, Politics

Pittsburgh Replaces Locals With Cardboard Figures For G-20

PITTSBURGH – City officials are telling locals to “stay home” during the G-20 summit to be held in Pittsburgh starting Thursday, because “they just don’t measure up in the looks department.” “The eyes of the world will be on us, and we want

Posted in Local News

Obama Clarifies: Pittsburgh Getting WD-40 Summit, Not G-20

PITTSBURGH – President Obama placed an urgent call to Pittsburgh’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today to clarify that the city isn’t getting the G-20 summit, it’s getting the WD-40 summit. “It was a joke that got out of hand,” the President

Posted in International News, Local News

Local Man Incensed That Autumnal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

PITTSBURGH – Popular local bon vivant and outdoorsman Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable displeasure that the temperature on the first day of autumn felt exactly like summer.” “I walked outside and my first reaction was,

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Posted in Weather

Iran’s Ahmadinejad Denies Existence of Letterman Show Bandleader Paul Shaffer

TEHRAN, Iran – Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday he is proud to stoke international outrage with his latest remarks denying the existence of Late Show with David Letterman bandleader and sidekick Paul Shaffer. During a speech Friday, he said

Posted in Extras

Tips For The G-20 Summit

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Founder, the Hon. Rufus Peckham:  Many of you are heading to Pittsburgh this week to protest or otherwise celebrate the G-20 summit, which starts Thursday.  A number of you have written to ask about proper etiquette when meeting

Posted in Commentary

“Guiding Light” Signs Off After 72 Years, CBS Offers DVD Box Set of All 18,360 Episodes

NEW YORK – CBS ended the 72-year run of the granddaddy of all soap operas, “Guiding Light,” in a tearful finale last Friday.  “Guiding Light” began as a serial on NBC Radio on Jan. 25, 1937.  Within hours, 103-year-old Samuel Blatchford, who has

Posted in Entertainment

Rosa Parks Bus Transformed Into Thrill Ride

DEARBORN, Mich. – The iconic bus on which Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger has been retrofitted into a simulator thrill ride to help visitors at the Henry Ford Museum better commemorate Ms. Park’s historic defiance. Riders

Posted in Extras

Hurricane Center Runs Out of Names, Resorts to “Forbidden List”; First Up: Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald

PALM BEACH, Fla. – For the first time ever, the National Hurricane Center has run out of names for hurricanes, so it must resort to a list of heretofore “forbidden names” that Hurricane Center officials hoped never would be used.

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Posted in Extras, U.S. News

Kanye West Apologizes for Rudeness to Head Caucasian, Kevin Costner

Posted in Pop Culture

Incivility Reigns: The Liar Calls The Rude Negro A Jackass

Posted in Extras

Rep. Joe Wilson Apologizes For Heckling Kanye West While West Was Humiliating Taylor Swift

Posted in Entertainment
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