WASHINGTON – President Obama will travel to Coney Island on Friday to make a personal plea to the International Federation of Competitive Eating to bring Nathan’s International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest to Chicago in 2016. (The 2009 contest, in which Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell beat former Vice President Al Gore, is pictured above.) The President plans to make the trip after returning from Denmark where he will appeal to the International Olympic Committee to choose Chicago as host of the 2016 Olympic Games.
Insiders say Obama’s appearance before the IFOCE could give Chicago the winning boost in a tight race with Wildwood, New Jersey. The last time Chicago attempted to wrestle the hot dog eating contest from Coney Island was 1927 when Al Capone headed up the city’s delegation to meet with the IFOCE. Chicago narrowly lost that year, and the president of the IFOCE was found floating in the Hudson the next day.
Obama thought about skipping the trip so he could devote his full attention to bringing quality, affordable healthcare to every American, but, according to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, “the President just likes hot dogs too much. There’s always next term to get that healthcare thing passed.”
PITTSBURGH – President Obama put Iran on notice that it must come clean about its intentions to build an Atomic Fireball plant or else “face sanctions that have as much bite as the delightful spicy red candy itself.”
“The international community has spoken, and it will not allow Iran to produce candies of mass destruction,” Obama said at a news conference.
A defiant Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insisted the plant was within the parameters of the U.N. watchdog’s rules governing cinnamon flavored jawbreaker-style candies.
In today’s Pittsburgh Trib p.m. See it here
MOUNT VERNON, Wash. — The Mayor of Glenn Beck’s hometown, Mount Vernon, Washington, issued a plea for Beck to turn himself into police this morning after authorities issued a warrant for his arrest in connection with a series of burglaries over the weekend in the Mount Vernon area.
Beck was presented with a key to the city during a Saturday evening tribute that capped “Glenn Beck Day” in Mount Vernon. The burglaries commenced immediately after the ceremony.
No signs of forced entry were apparent in any of the break-ins, leading police to conclude that the perpetrator must have had access to each of the buildings and bank vaults burglarized. Beck is the only person known to fit that description.
ZURICH – Just hours after Swiss police arrested film director Roman Polanski on charges that he fled the U.S. after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse, they arrested director Willard Huyck on charges that he directed “Howard the Duck” in 1986, considered to be among the worst films of all time, authorities said Sunday.
Huyck fled to Paris immediately after directing “Howard the Duck” and has been in hiding there ever since. He came to Zurich on Saturday evening to attend the Zurich Film Festival, and was nabbed at the Zurich Airport.
French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand said he was “overjoyed” by Huyck’s arrest, adding that he “strongly hopes that [Huyck] is put through an ordeal comparable to the one he forced the movie-going public to experience with the damn ’Duck’ film.”
PITTSBURGH – Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington made a scouting visit in the city’s Lawrenceville neighborhood yesterday and quickly signed thirty-two G-20 protesters. He said they would be added to the major league roster immediately.
“My chief goal was to find people who are able to move of their own volition,” he explained. “I watched them closely, and all of them can walk. I like the way some of them handled the protest signs, which suggests they might be able to swing a bat.”
Huntington said the 22 male protesters he signed would be in uniform tomorrow night. “We’re still looking for uniforms for the ten women we signed.”
PITTSBURGH – Last night, visiting dignitaries arrived at the G-20 summit in this former steel capital of the world, which is hoping to use the international stage to showcase its revitalization as a 21st Century economy.
But fears about protesters forced hundreds of local businesses to board up their windows, giving the city’s downtown a blighted appearance suggesting advanced urban decay.
Several world leaders riding through downtown on their way to hotels conferred and announced they would sponsor a benefit concert to save Pittsburgh. Bono agreed to host the fundraiser, which will be held in the spring of 2010 “somewhere other than Pittsburgh.”
Libyan leader Moamer Gadhafi is stunned by a surprise visit from his brother Chico in the middle of his United Nations General Assembly address yesterday
WASHINGTON – The Senate approved a bill extending unemployment benefits for 13-weeks, and penises up to three inches.
The penis rider to the legislation was the brainchild of the late Senator Edward Kennedy, who lobbied for its passage by telephoning Senators who were on the fence up to the day he died. In his honor, the legislation is referred to as “Teddy’s Penis Rider.”
The legislation allows for penile enhancement surgery for men who are not well endowed, defined by the bill as five inches or less when fully erect.
The Senate vote was split along gender lines, with all the men favoring it, and all the women opposing it.
PITTSBURGH - City officials are telling locals to “stay home” during the G-20 summit to be held in Pittsburgh starting Thursday, because “they just don’t measure up in the looks department.”
“The eyes of the world will be on us, and we want to show the world the real Pittsburgh,” explained Mayor Luke Ravenstahl. “Therefore, we’re populating downtown with cardboard figures of good looking people from Hollywood.”
The Mayor listed the advantages of having cardboard people. “They don’t smell, and if they’re in your way, you can knock them over without fear of reprisal.”
The Mayor said the city is going to monitor the experiment closely. “If we like what we see, we might just replace the locals with them permanently.”
PITTSBURGH – President Obama placed an urgent call to Pittsburgh’s Mayor Luke Ravenstahl today to clarify that the city isn’t getting the G-20 summit, it’s getting the WD-40 summit.
“It was a joke that got out of hand,” the President explained. “What were you people smoking to think you’d get the G-20?” the President laughed. “The G-20 is being held in Washington, D.C. this week.”
Despite the misunderstanding, Obama said Pittsburgh should feel proud to host the WD-40. “Did you know that a bus driver in Asia once used WD-40 to remove a python, which had coiled itself around the undercarriage of his bus?”
Mayor Ravenstahl said he wasn’t disappointed because “the traffic will flow more smoothly with all that WD-40 to lubricate it.”
PITTSBURGH – Popular local bon vivant and outdoorsman Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable displeasure that the temperature on the first day of autumn felt exactly like summer.”
“I walked outside and my first reaction was, ‘What’s going on here?” Swayne explained. “Somebody needs to take a stand about this, and it’s going to be me.” Swayne’s goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures.
“The worst part about the whole damn thing is that the kids don’t have any idea what they’re missing. That’s why I make sure to tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the autumnal equinox in the old days! It would come roaring in like thunder, and it hit us like a refreshing wall of invigorating bliss.’”
Swayne said his next project is Christmas, “because that really stinks lately, too.”
TEHRAN, Iran – Iran’s president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday he is proud to stoke international outrage with his latest remarks denying the existence of Late Show with David Letterman bandleader and sidekick Paul Shaffer.
During a speech Friday, he said Shaffer was created out of ”a lie and a mythical claim concocted by CBS and Worldwide Pants Incorporated,” the show’s production company.
Western analysts said Ahmadinejad’s remarks have not stoked international outrage.
Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Founder, the Hon. Rufus Peckham: Many of you are heading to Pittsburgh this week to protest or otherwise celebrate the G-20 summit, which starts Thursday. A number of you have written to ask about proper etiquette when meeting foreign dignitaries.
You’ve come to the right place.
Approach the dignitary with your head bowed and your palms facing toward them so they know you’re not packing heat.
Curtsey (especially the men), and then turn your head into your sleeve and yell in a loud voice, “Danno, I need back-up!”
NEW YORK – CBS ended the 72-year run of the granddaddy of all soap operas, “Guiding Light,” in a tearful finale last Friday. “Guiding Light” began as a serial on NBC Radio on Jan. 25, 1937.
Within hours, 103-year-old Samuel Blatchford, who has starred as leading man Ellis Smith in every episode of the show on both radio and television, appeared on QVC to hawk the just-released complete DVD box set of all 18,360 episodes. “The entire series can be watched in less than three years, if you watch it straight through,” Blatchford explained.
CBS revealed it was besieged with calls and emails about the last episode, as “Guiding Light” devotees said they felt cheated. Inexplicably, the entire cast was costumed as Rusian Jews circa 1900. Near the end of the show, a constable arrived to tell everyone that they must pack up and leave their town of Anatevka. The closing shot showed longtime “Guiding Light” star Robert Newman, his wife Golde, and two of their children leaving the village for America. Suddenly, a fiddler on a roof began to play. Newman beckoned with a nod, and the fiddler followed them out of the village.
DEARBORN, Mich. - The iconic bus on which Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger has been retrofitted into a simulator thrill ride to help visitors at the Henry Ford Museum better commemorate Ms. Park’s historic defiance.
Riders board the bus and sit in every seat except the one occupied by an animatronic version of Ms. Parks. According to the ride’s official brochure: “Catastrophe strikes a big city bus when an uppity negro woman creates mayhem by refusing to give up her seat to a Caucasian! Take a ride with Rosa Parks on the 2857 Montgomery, Alabama metro, as her civil defiance triggers disaster! Hang on tight as the bus veers out of control and goes careening down a steep mountain into a ravine with raging rapids! Thrill to the rush as the bus races toward and tumbles over Niagara Falls! All because Rosa Parks wouldn’t do as she was told!”
The ride runs six minutes, and persons with heart conditions and motion sickness are urged to commemorate Ms. Parks’ historic defiance outside the bus.
Hurricane Center Runs Out of Names, Resorts to “Forbidden List”; First Up: Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald
PALM BEACH, Fla. – For the first time ever, the National Hurricane Center has run out of names for hurricanes, so it must resort to a list of heretofore “forbidden names” that Hurricane Center officials hoped never would be used.
As a result, the next storm on the horizon, Hurricane Center officials say, is Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald, a storm that shares the same name as the assassin of President John F. Kennedy.
As of last night, Hurricane Oswald was building up steam in the Caribbean and appeared headed on a straight path for Palm Beach, Florida, where Caroline Kennedy and her family are vacationing.