Dangerous, Un-American, Lying Mob Organizes Its Next Town Hall Assault on the Constitution

Brown Shirts

Aug 11

Hillary Clinton Sheds Inhibitions in Africa

HillaryDance-2“I shall now dance the Dance of the Seven Veils.  Somebody, bring me the head of Barack Obama!” 

 

 

Aug 11

Health Care Demonstrators Identified as Lynch Mob Extras From Old “Frankenstein” Films

AngryMobaPHILADELPHIA - Demonstrators against health care reform at a town hall meeting in Philadelphia Sunday were identified as members of Actors Equity who appeared as extras and bit players in several classic Universal Studios ”Frankenstein” films.  The actors typically played members of an angry lynch mob intent on destroying the Frankenstein monster.

“The clubs, the lanterns, the vaguely European costumes, the faux British accents, the man carrying what appeared to be a dead girl – all of it tipped us off that perhaps these aren’t garden variety Pennsylvania constituents coming to voice an opinion about the President’s health care plan,” said Sen. Arlen Specter, R-D-Pa.

The revelation stoked concerns that town hall protests on health care reform are being orchestrated by insurance companies.  One of the protesters, Lionel Atwill, who played Inspector Krogh in “Son of Frankenstein,” took issue with this charge. 

“Now see here,” protested Atwill while cleaning his monacle, “we shan’t tolerate any more of this nonsense about health care reform, and you have my solemn warning as a gentleman that we shall drive it from the village, just as we did the monster.”

Aug 10

Truck Mows Down 16 Beatles Fans Recreating Abbey Road Photo

GruesomeSceneLONDON – The iconic crossing outside Abbey Studios where the Beatles were famously photographed walking across the street for the cover of “Abbey Road” was turned into a gruesome crime scene today, forty years to the day the fabled photo was taken, when a tractor trailer plowed into sixteen fans recreating the picture.

Beatles fans from around the world flocked to Abbey Road on the anniversary of one of rock ‘n’ roll’s greatest images and, at 11:35 am, exactly the moment the photo was taken, a large group strutted from one side to to the other to emulate their heroes.  Just then, an 18-wheeler semi-trailer truck carrying Jonas Brothers CDs came barreling down the road and struck a large group of fans, killing 16 instantly and injuring two dozen more.

“I saw [the truck] turn off of Penny Lane and then it came speeding toward us down the long and winding road,” eyewitness Bob Haas told Sgt. Pepper, investigating the mayhem.  “My friends, Lucy and Joe Diamonds, were the first to be hit — I looked up and saw Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.”

Aug 8

Local Man Insists His Lawn Should be LEED Certified

scissor-cut“Don’t tell me about green! You won’t find a greener yard in all of Blawnox!” says Samuel Blatchford

Aug 7

Burger King Finally Gets Tough With Infants

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

A St. Louis Burger King franchise has come under fire for enforcing its “no shoes, no service” policy against an infant. The shoeless 6-month-old was politely asked to leave due to her blatant disregard of the restaurant’s policy.  The restaurant was later criticized for going “too far” and apologized to the child’s mother.

In fact, the restaurant didn’t go far enough. It should have called the cops to forcibly remove the young scofflaw. The failure to insist that young people follow rules is destroying America and everything it stands for.

Why should this child be permitted to flout the rules the rest of us must obey? If deceased Chicago White Sox outfielder “Shoeless” Joe Jackson sashayed into Burger King to get a WHOPPER® without wearing shoes, how do you think the people in the restaurant would react? I’ll tell you how: they’d go running out in horror because “Shoeless” Joe has been dead for 58 years.

Maybe that’s not the best analogy, but you get my point.

Aug 7

Pittsburgh Pirates Trade Fans to Buffalo

fanstradedThe Pittsburgh Pirates announced a blockbuster deal that will send all of its fans to Buffalo in exchange for fan prospects who currently root for the Buffalo Bisons, the Triple-A affiliate of the New York Mets.

The Pirates’ fans were called into team manager John Russell’s office late last night and informed of the trade.

“For a long time, we’ve been focusing on the wrong thing — getting better players — when the problem has been the fans all along,” said team general manager Neal Huntington. “Our scouts tell us that these fan prospects from Buffalo have all the tools we need to take the Pittsburgh Pirates to the next level.”

Pirates fans had mixed emotions. “I saw this coming, but it still hurts,” said fan Bob Haas. “To his credit, Neal said the Pirates will assume responsibility for erecting ‘for sale’ signs on our front lawns.  And the way he described Buffalo, I think we’re really going to like Coca-Cola Field.”

Aug 6

Bill Clinton Heads to Mayberry to Seek Release of Otis Campbell

OtisRALEIGH - Immediately after brokering the release of two imprisoned journalists in North Korea yesterday, former President Bill Clinton flew from Pyongyang to Mayberry, North Carolina to seek the release of town drunkard Otis Campbell from the local jail.

Mr. Campbell has been incarcerated on an intermittent basis without a trial in violation of international law since 1960.  He is often subjected to cruel mental indignities by the town’s deputy sheriff, Bernard ”Barney” Fife.  The jail has been condemned repeatedly by Amnesty International due to its lax security and the fact that prisoner meals are prepared off-site by a non-staff spinster aunt of the town’s Sheriff, Andy Taylor.

The White House characterized Clinton’s mission as ”solely a private matter.”  President Obama’s spokesman, Robert Gibbs, denied that Obama gave Clinton a private note to pass along to Sheriff Taylor, thanking Taylor and his son, Ron “Opie Taylor” Howard for supporting him in the last election by appearing in a peculiar television commercial.

Clinton is hoping to arrange a meeting with Sheriff Taylor this morning.  This afternoon, he hopes to receive fellatio from Sheriff Taylor’s girlfriend, schoolteacher Helen Crump.

Aug 5

White House Says Obama’s Campaign Pledge of “No Middle-Class Tax Increase” Was Taken Out of Context

Photo Five BidenWASHINGTON – The White House stoked speculation that it might violate President Obama’s compaign promise not to raise taxes on the middle class when Vice President Biden told a reporter that the promise has been “taken out of context.”

Biden, appearing on CNN’s Lou Dobbs Tonight, was asked to comment on the following statement Obama made on the campaign trail prior to last November’s election:  ”So let’s be clear about my tax plan: if you make less than a quarter of a million dollars a year, you will not see a single dime of your taxes go up. If you make $200,000 a year or less, your taxes will go down.”

When the sound bite ended, Biden’s eyes bulged, and he thundered:  “Out of context, Lou.  Completely out of context.  If you listen to that sound bite carefully, the president never said that if you make less than a quarter of a million dollars a year, you will not see a single dime of your taxes go up. 

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Aug 4

Henry Louis Gates Files For Divorce, Claims Wife a Racist

henry-louis-gates-001Harvard professor says that when he came home early from White House beer summit, Sharon Gates asked him, “What are you doing here?”

Aug 4

Sgt. Crowley, Prof. Gates Seek Treatment for Alcoholism, “Beer Summit” Blamed

Beer Summit

CAMBRIDGE – Police Sgt. James Crowley and Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr. checked themselves into a local hospital for alcohol detoxification over the weekend. 

Both men developed alcohol dependence as a result of their participation in the White House “beer summit” last week.   Neither man drank to excess prior to their meeting with the President.  

Vice President Joe Biden, who also attended the summit, checked himself into the hospital’s detoxification program as well.  Biden whispered to a reporter: “I think I’m suffering from alcohol dementia.  Or maybe it’s just regular dementia, I don’t know.”

President Obama issued a statement calling for Gates and Crowley to join him in a “coffee summit” at the White House after their release from the hospital.  “It will just be three guys, sitting around drinking coffee, talking things out peacefully,” explained the President.

Aug 3

Bush: Remains of Missing U.S. Fighter Pilot “Give Me Hope”

bushlaugh2-11“It won’t be long before they find those weapons of mass destruction too,” former President says

Aug 3

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