PITTSBURGH – Casual dining at a mid-level faux Italian restaurant proved fatal to twenty-two patrons of Vitas Vinifera in a Pittsburgh suburb last night.
Police say the patrons were electrocuted while waiting for tables when the restaurant’s guest paging system malfunctioned, sending 19,000 volts of electricity coursing through their bodies.
“Have you ever accidentally burned your toast, dude?” explained restaurant assistant manager Noah Swayne, 19. “Those people were, like, fried.” Mr. Swayne high-fived restaurant waiter Jared Matthews, 18, and the two men referred to the incident as “like, awesome.”
Restaurant greeter Madison Bailey, 17, said she immediately knew something was wrong. “After about two hours of no one responding to their pages, I knew something was wrong,” she explained. “I’m just sorry they weren’t able to sample our three-cheese and spinach ravioli special.”