California Wildfires Spreading Like . . . Very Fast

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Aug 31

Obama Faults Bush for Bad Weather on His Vacation

Photo Five ObamasWASHINGTON – President Obama said the bad weather in the final days of his family’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard was caused by the Bush administration.

“We did our best to have a relaxing family vacation, despite the mess we inherited,” said the President. 

Obama said that climate change, which the Bush administration refused to address, and, of course, former Vice President Cheney, caused the bad weather.  Senator Patrick Leahy called for a Congressional investigation.

Aug 31

Open Auditions Held for Child to Salute at Kennedy Funeral

johnjohnBOSTON – The William Morris Agency held open auditions yesterday to find a cute three-year-old child to “salute” during the funeral procession of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy. 

Senator Kennedy’s family is attempting to simulate to the last detail the funeral of his brother, President John F. Kennedy.  An iconic photograph from that funeral shows the late President’s son, John F. Kennedy, Jr., known affectionately as “John-John,” saluting the funeral cortège. 

“When we approached the Senator’s widow, Vicki, with the idea, she went ’ga ga,’” said Noah Swayne of the William Morris Agency.

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Aug 28

Classified FBI Documents Show Chappaquiddick Accident Caused by Troll Under Bridge

trollWASHINGTON – President Obama sought to remove the tarnish from the late Senator Edward Kennedy’s legacy by releasing classified FBI documents showing that the Chappaquiddick incident was not his fault.

The documents reveal that the infamous 1969 auto accident in which Mary Jo Kopechne died was caused by a troll under the Dike Bridge that forced Kennedy to veer off the side of the bridge into Poucha Pond.

Some reporters questioned the authenticity of the documents and charged that Obama intended to use Kennedy’s death as a rallying cry to achieve the late Massachusetts Senator’s dream of universal health coverage.  MSNBC declared the documents “the real McCoy.”

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Aug 27

Bert Lahr Vies to Replace the Lion of the Senate

wizardofoz1“I’ve already got the costume.”

 

 

 

 

Aug 27

A Feminist’s Reaction to a Statue of a Fallen Male Soldier

VietnamNursesMemGuest Commentary by Noe Gyven-Tayke - I approach with trepidation the Women’s War Memorial sculpture in Washington, D.C. which depicts three uniformed women with a dying male soldier. 

Will I be angry?  Will I feel abhorrence?  Will I regard it as just another monument to patriarchy?

I slowly walk toward the sculpture and see the noble women depicted.  They are doing what all women have always done, and to no avail.  They are trying to heal the destruction wrought by patriarchy.

And then I see the male.  A 20-year-old injured and dying soldier, defiantly sprawled out, legs open as if flaunting his undeserved male privilege and organ of misogyny.  I am filled with disgust and fall to the ground and vomit. I vomit not for me, but for all women.

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Aug 26

Restaurant’s Guest Pager System Malfunctions, 22 Would-Be Diners Electrocuted

pagerPITTSBURGH – Casual dining at a mid-level faux Italian restaurant proved fatal to twenty-two patrons of Vitas Vinifera in a Pittsburgh suburb last night. 

Police say the patrons were electrocuted while waiting for tables when the restaurant’s guest paging system malfunctioned, sending 19,000 volts of electricity coursing through their bodies.

“Have you ever accidentally burned your toast, dude?” explained restaurant assistant manager Noah Swayne, 19.  “Those people were, like, fried.”  Mr. Swayne high-fived restaurant waiter Jared Matthews, 18, and the two men referred to the incident as “like, awesome.”

Restaurant greeter Madison Bailey, 17, said she immediately knew something was wrong.  “After about two hours of no one responding to their pages, I knew something was wrong,” she explained.  “I’m just sorry they weren’t able to sample our three-cheese and spinach ravioli special.”

Aug 25

Bin Laden Surrenders to Scottish Officials, Announces He Has Prostate Cancer

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Aug 25

Coroner Declares Jackson “King of Prop”

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Aug 25

Vacationing Obama Snags Health Plan Endorsement From Corrupt “Jaws” Medical Examiner

Medical Examiner

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – On the first day of the Obama family vacation on this posh island of the rich and famous, President Obama announced he has picked up an important endorsement for his health care plan from Dr. Samuel Blatchford, the medical examiner in “Jaws.”

Blatchford, pictured here with Police Chief Martin Brody and ichthyologist Matt Hooper, gained national fame when he changed the coroner’s report listing the cause of death for tourist Chrissie Watkins from “shark attack” to ”boating accident” after being pressured by Mayor Larry Vaughn.  Subsequently, it was revealed that Ms. Watkins’ death was filmed by a Mr. Steven Spielberg of Hollywood, California, and the film clearly shows the cause of death was a vicious shark attack.

Dr. Blatchford originally opposed the Obama health plan but abruptly changed his position yesterday morning after Mayor Vaughn and President Obama visited him at his office.

Aug 24

“Slumdog Rush Week”: Teen Raunchfest Sequel to Oscar Winner

Slumdog DevReview by Carbolic Smoke Ball Film Critic Prof. Samuel Blatchford - “He’s left the slums of Mumbai behind and has come to the one place where a young man can find fulfillment: an American frat house!” 

That’s the tagline for Slumdog Rush Week, the long-awaited sequel to this year’s Best Picture Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire.  The film’s producers are wisely aiming for a much bigger teen audience this time, so they’ve ditched the intelligence and the charm of the first film and have made a beeline for the teen raunch instead. 

And I mean raunch.  An example: Dev Patel’s penis gets so much screen time that the Screen Actors Guild insisted it get its own credit (Patel has named his organ “Mohandas” because of its uncanny resemblance to Gandhi).   Read more

Aug 21

Favre Arrives in Minnesota

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Aug 19

Study: That’s Not All She Wrote

StudySmallNEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “that’s all she wrote” by proving that, in fact, she wrote more.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million.

“In light of our findings, we are suggesting that the cliché be altered to say, ‘She wrote way too much.’”

Aug 18

Obama Health Plan Proposes Larger Eye Charts to Eliminate Need for Glasses

OBAMAaaaaGRAND CANYON – President Obama told a town hall meeting that his health care plan will eliminate the need for eyeglasses and contact lenses by requiring physicians to use large print eye charts when giving eye exams.

“We’ve been missing the obvious all along,” the president explained. “When the eye doctor tells you that you need glasses, it’s because the eye chart was too small.

“My plan will double, or even triple, the size of eye charts, so virtually no one will need glasses or contact lenses.”

Next week the president will outline his plan to eliminate hearing aids by jacking up the volume on hearing tests.

Aug 17

The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock

WoodstockJewsArabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”

Aug 17

Yoko Ono Blamed for Breakup of Bush and Cheney

yoko-onoWASHINTON – Former Vice President Dick Cheney revealed that he and his old boss, President George W. Bush, had a falling out  in their second term in the White House, and he blamed it on Yoko Ono.

“After the President was reelected in 2004, he and I developed artistic discord,” Cheney told a reporter.  “I only later found out that he was heeding the advice of Mrs. Lennon instead of his own vice president.”   (Cheney refers to Ms. Ono as “Mrs. Lennon” because, he says, ”she was married to one of the dead Beatles, right?”)

Ms. Ono also has been rumored to be behind the breakup of the Beatles, Lehman Brothers, and Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis.

Aug 14

White House Says Headquarters for Death Panels To Be Completed By 2010

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Aug 14

State Dept. Says Hillary’s Angry Outburst Was Calculated to Empower Women, or Maybe It Was PMS

Hillary AngryKINSHASA – The State Department reverted to damage control mode to explain Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s flash of public anger at a public forum in Kinshasa, Congo’s capital. 

The outburst occurred when a male university student asked Mrs. Clinton her husband’s opinion about the World Bank’s role in Congo.  The student later said he meant to ask about President Obama’s opinion.  Clinton replied in a highly agitated tone: “You want to know what my husband thinks? My husband is not the secretary of state, I am. You ask my opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I’m not going to channel my husband.”

State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley told reporters that Mrs. Clinton’s response in scolding the young man was “entirely appopriate and carefully calculated to empower women, to let women understand that they are full human beings and that their opinions matter every bit as much as their husbands’.”  Crowley added:  “Or, maybe it was just PMS.  Because we all know how women become raving lunatics once a month.  I mean, just imagine if she was president.  Wow!  And I can tell you, men tiptoe around them when they’re like that because we understand they’re not rational human beings.  We should have warned the young men in that audience to stay clear of her.”

“So, yeah, the outburst was either Mrs. Clinton sending a wholly appropriate message of empowerment to women, or it was PMS forcing her to act like a screeching banshee.  Your pick.”

Aug 13

Sargent Shriver “Pissed” That The Kennedys Never Promoted Him to Lieutenant

Sargent_Shriver_1962BOSTON – Sargent Shriver, 93, who married into American political royalty when he exchanged wedding vows with Eunice Kennedy, the sister of the murdered 35th US President, announced that he wanted to ”get some things off my chest” after his wife, 88, died Tuesday.  

A somber Shriver told a packed room of reporters that he was “damn pissed” because the Kennedy clan never promoted him beyond Sargent.

Shriver explained that when he married Eunice in 1953, her father, Joe Kennedy, commonly referred to as “The Don,” told family consigliere Ted Sorenson that Shriver was to be given “a living,” but that he never would be part of the family business.  Shriver said that the Kennedys never trusted him after some accused him of helping to set up a hit on the oldest Kennedy son, Sonny, who was gunned down on the Causeway by a rival gang.

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Aug 12

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: President Obama Convenes First Health Care “Death Panel”

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Aug 12

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