Monthly Archives: August 2009
Obama Faults Bush for Bad Weather on His Vacation
WASHINGTON – President Obama said the bad weather in the final days of his family’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard was caused by the Bush administration. “We did our best to have a relaxing family vacation, despite the mess we inherited,” said the President. Obama said…
Open Auditions Held for Child to Salute at Kennedy Funeral
BOSTON – The William Morris Agency held open auditions yesterday to find a cute three-year-old child to “salute” during the funeral procession of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy. Senator Kennedy’s family is attempting to simulate to the last detail the funeral of his brother, President John…
Classified FBI Documents Show Chappaquiddick Accident Caused by Troll Under Bridge
WASHINGTON – President Obama sought to remove the tarnish from the late Senator Edward Kennedy’s legacy by releasing classified FBI documents showing that the Chappaquiddick incident was not his fault. The documents reveal that the infamous 1969 auto accident in which…
Bert Lahr Vies to Replace the Lion of the Senate
“I’ve already got the costume.”
A Feminist’s Reaction to a Statue of a Fallen Male Soldier
Guest Commentary by Noe Gyven-Tayke – I approach with trepidation the Women’s War Memorial sculpture in Washington, D.C. which depicts three uniformed women with a dying male soldier. Will I be angry? Will I feel abhorrence? Will I regard it as just another…
Restaurant’s Guest Pager System Malfunctions, 22 Would-Be Diners Electrocuted
PITTSBURGH – Casual dining at a mid-level faux Italian restaurant proved fatal to twenty-two patrons of Vitas Vinifera in a Pittsburgh suburb last night. Police say the patrons were electrocuted while waiting for tables when the restaurant’s guest paging system malfunctioned, sending 19,000 volts of…
Bin Laden Surrenders to Scottish Officials, Announces He Has Prostate Cancer
Vacationing Obama Snags Health Plan Endorsement From Corrupt “Jaws” Medical Examiner
MARTHA’S VINEYARD – On the first day of the Obama family vacation on this posh island of the rich and famous, President Obama announced he has picked up an important endorsement for his health care plan from Dr. Samuel Blatchford, the medical…
“Slumdog Rush Week”: Teen Raunchfest Sequel to Oscar Winner
Review by Carbolic Smoke Ball Film Critic Prof. Samuel Blatchford - “He’s left the slums of Mumbai behind and has come to the one place where a young man can find fulfillment: an American frat house!” That’s the tagline for Slumdog Rush Week,…
Study: That’s Not All She Wrote
NEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “that’s all she wrote” by proving that, in fact, she wrote more. “The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of…
Obama Health Plan Proposes Larger Eye Charts to Eliminate Need for Glasses
GRAND CANYON – President Obama told a town hall meeting that his health care plan will eliminate the need for eyeglasses and contact lenses by requiring physicians to use large print eye charts when giving eye exams. “We’ve been missing the…
The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock
Arabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”
Yoko Ono Blamed for Breakup of Bush and Cheney
WASHINTON – Former Vice President Dick Cheney revealed that he and his old boss, President George W. Bush, had a falling out in their second term in the White House, and he blamed it on Yoko Ono. “After the President was reelected…
State Dept. Says Hillary’s Angry Outburst Was Calculated to Empower Women, or Maybe It Was PMS
KINSHASA – The State Department reverted to damage control mode to explain Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s flash of public anger at a public forum in Kinshasa, Congo’s capital. The outburst occurred when a male university student asked Mrs. Clinton her…
Sargent Shriver “Pissed” That The Kennedys Never Promoted Him to Lieutenant
BOSTON – Sargent Shriver, 93, who married into American political royalty when he exchanged wedding vows with Eunice Kennedy, the sister of the murdered 35th US President, announced that he wanted to ”get some things off my chest” after his wife, 88, died Tuesday. A somber…
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
