Monthly Archives: August 2009

California Wildfires Spreading Like . . . Very Fast

Posted in Environment

Obama Faults Bush for Bad Weather on His Vacation

WASHINGTON – President Obama said the bad weather in the final days of his family’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard was caused by the Bush administration. “We did our best to have a relaxing family vacation, despite the mess we inherited,” said the President.  Obama said

Posted in Environment

Open Auditions Held for Child to Salute at Kennedy Funeral

BOSTON – The William Morris Agency held open auditions yesterday to find a cute three-year-old child to “salute” during the funeral procession of the late Senator Edward M. Kennedy.  Senator Kennedy’s family is attempting to simulate to the last detail the funeral of his brother, President John

Posted in U.S. News

Classified FBI Documents Show Chappaquiddick Accident Caused by Troll Under Bridge

WASHINGTON – President Obama sought to remove the tarnish from the late Senator Edward Kennedy’s legacy by releasing classified FBI documents showing that the Chappaquiddick incident was not his fault. The documents reveal that the infamous 1969 auto accident in which

Posted in U.S. News

Bert Lahr Vies to Replace the Lion of the Senate

“I’ve already got the costume.”        

Posted in U.S. News

A Feminist’s Reaction to a Statue of a Fallen Male Soldier

Guest Commentary by Noe Gyven-Tayke – I approach with trepidation the Women’s War Memorial sculpture in Washington, D.C. which depicts three uniformed women with a dying male soldier.  Will I be angry?  Will I feel abhorrence?  Will I regard it as just another

Posted in Gender News

Restaurant’s Guest Pager System Malfunctions, 22 Would-Be Diners Electrocuted

PITTSBURGH – Casual dining at a mid-level faux Italian restaurant proved fatal to twenty-two patrons of Vitas Vinifera in a Pittsburgh suburb last night.  Police say the patrons were electrocuted while waiting for tables when the restaurant’s guest paging system malfunctioned, sending 19,000 volts of

Posted in Extras

Bin Laden Surrenders to Scottish Officials, Announces He Has Prostate Cancer

Posted in International News

Coroner Declares Jackson “King of Prop”

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Posted in Entertainment, Legal News, Pop Culture, U.S. News

Vacationing Obama Snags Health Plan Endorsement From Corrupt “Jaws” Medical Examiner

MARTHA’S VINEYARD – On the first day of the Obama family vacation on this posh island of the rich and famous, President Obama announced he has picked up an important endorsement for his health care plan from Dr. Samuel Blatchford, the medical

Posted in U.S. News

“Slumdog Rush Week”: Teen Raunchfest Sequel to Oscar Winner

Review by Carbolic Smoke Ball Film Critic Prof. Samuel Blatchford – “He’s left the slums of Mumbai behind and has come to the one place where a young man can find fulfillment: an American frat house!”  That’s the tagline for Slumdog Rush Week,

Posted in Extras

Favre Arrives in Minnesota

Posted in Sports

Study: That’s Not All She Wrote

NEW YORK – Scientists have debunked the cliché “that’s all she wrote” by proving that, in fact, she wrote more. “The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of

Posted in Science

Obama Health Plan Proposes Larger Eye Charts to Eliminate Need for Glasses

GRAND CANYON – President Obama told a town hall meeting that his health care plan will eliminate the need for eyeglasses and contact lenses by requiring physicians to use large print eye charts when giving eye exams. “We’ve been missing the

Posted in Health, U.S. News

The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Woodstock

Arabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”

Posted in International News, Pop Culture, U.S. News

Yoko Ono Blamed for Breakup of Bush and Cheney

WASHINTON – Former Vice President Dick Cheney revealed that he and his old boss, President George W. Bush, had a falling out  in their second term in the White House, and he blamed it on Yoko Ono. “After the President was reelected

Posted in U.S. News

White House Says Headquarters for Death Panels To Be Completed By 2010

Posted in Health, U.S. News

State Dept. Says Hillary’s Angry Outburst Was Calculated to Empower Women, or Maybe It Was PMS

KINSHASA – The State Department reverted to damage control mode to explain Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s flash of public anger at a public forum in Kinshasa, Congo’s capital.  The outburst occurred when a male university student asked Mrs. Clinton her

Posted in U.S. News

Sargent Shriver “Pissed” That The Kennedys Never Promoted Him to Lieutenant

BOSTON – Sargent Shriver, 93, who married into American political royalty when he exchanged wedding vows with Eunice Kennedy, the sister of the murdered 35th US President, announced that he wanted to “get some things off my chest” after his wife, 88, died Tuesday.   A somber

Posted in U.S. News

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: President Obama Convenes First Health Care “Death Panel”

Posted in Health, Politics, U.S. News
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