Shocking Coincidence: Fireman-Stripper Hired to Entertain Sotomayor Was Frank Ricci – Plaintiff in Controversial Discrimination Case

FiremanStripperNEW YORK – File this one away in the “it’s a small world” drawer.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s colleagues on the Second Circuit Court of Appeals threw a farewell party for her yesterday in anticipation of her appointment to the United States Supreme Court.  What Sotomayor’s colleagues did not know was that the fireman stripper they hired was Frank Ricci, the New Haven firefighter who sued the city claiming it discriminated against him because he is white. 

Judge Sotomayor and two judges on the Second Circuit ruled against Ricci, but the United States Supreme Court recently reversed their decision.

After Ricci’s performance yesterday, the judge said she’d never rule against him again.

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Jul 10

Outcry Over Redesigned Traffic Sign

Local men protest: “Why do traffic signs always depict the male as the one holding the gun?”

Jul 10

City Denies New Pedestrian Crossing Sign Shows Contempt for Walkers

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter today reiterated his stance that the city’s new pedestrian crossing signs “are not vulgar” and “do not, in any way, show contempt for pedestrians.”  

Nutter explained that the signs reflect a “time-honored tradition” in the City of Brotherly Love, and that they “extend the same courtesy pedestrians, and especially tourists, have always received in Philadelphia.”

Jul 9

Paris Jackson Reacts Tearfully Upon Realizing Jacko Couldn’t Be Her Father – “Because I’m White”

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Jul 9

Activists Arrested for Desecrating Sign by Carving Faces of Presidents Next to it

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Jul 9

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: Michael Jackson’s Former Lovers Line Up for Memorial Service

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Jul 8

Eternal Flame Over Jacko’s Grave To Be Powered By Setting Fire to Clumps of His Hair

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Idea came from Pepsi commercial mishap

Jul 8

A Salute to Jackson Funeral Cortege on Behalf of All Young Men Who’ve Entered Into Amicable Monetary Settlements With Him

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Jul 8

Workers Prepare Michael Jackson’s Final Resting Place

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Jul 7

Palin Reveals Reason for Resigning: Will Replace Billy Mays as OxiClean Spokesperson

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Jul 7

Palin Resigns to Spend More Time With Grandchildren Fathered By A-Rod

sarah-palin-2-080308WASILLA, Alaska – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced she is resigning from office at the end of the month in order to spend more time with her yet-to-be-born grandchildren fathered by Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. 

Palin read the bombshell announcement from her Wasilla home:  “Earlier this year, one of my daughters — I will not say which one — was knocked up by Mr. Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees while she and I attended a baseball game at Yankee Stadium.  Their union became a national cause célèbre when television comedian David Letterman made a tasteless, and for my money, worse – unfunny, joke about it, which caused much pain to my family. 

“In fact, my daughter’s union with Mr. Rodriguez was a beautiful thing.  Incidentally, my daughter assures me that Mr. Rodriguez should be called  ’A plus rod,’ if you get my meaning.  While I can’t personally vouch for the latter assertion since I’ve never seen Mr. Rodriguez’s tallywacker, I have never doubted my daughter when it comes to men.”

Jul 6

South Carolina Voter: “Mark Sanford Must Regain My Trust Slowly, With Lunch Dates and Hand Holding”

BOB pink hat-1COLUMBIA, S.C. – South Carolina voters are divided as to whether Governor Mark Sanford should resign following the revelation of his extra-marital affair with a woman from Argentina.  South Carolina voter Noah Swayne of Columbia is typical. 

“Like Mrs. Sanford, I might be willing to forgive him, but neither Jenny [Sanford] nor I are going to make it easy for him,” Swayne said.  “He doesn’t just say ‘I’m sorry,’ and make everything right.  It’s going to happen at my pace if it happens at all.” 

Swayne explained that Sanford would need to “start slowly,” with lunch dates and hand holding.  “We need to get to know each other again.  I’m not going to be automatically available every time he calls, and if I do decide to go to dinner with him, chances are remote that that I’ll be inviting him up to my place afterwards any time soon. 

“True reconciliation will take time and won’t be easy.”

Jul 6

Politician Wants Statue of Liberty’s Vagina Re-Opened for First Time Since 9/11

NEW YORK, N.Y. – It’s time to reopen the Statue of Liberty’s vagina to the public, says Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Poughkeepsie).

In the aftermath of the September 11 attacks, the National Park Service installed a heavy-gauge steel chastity device to keep the anatomically correct Lady Liberty from being violated by terrorist projectiles.

“We were scared witless that the grand old Lady might be captured by Islamic Fascists who would have their way with her,” explained National Park Service Director Noah Swayne. “One can only imagine the diseases those Mideastern fanatics would have transmitted with their big, ugly, uncut missiles.”

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Jul 3

Proctor & Gamble Test Results: These Colors Really Do Run

CINCINNATI, OH – Consumer product behemoth Proctor & Gamble today announced that, after a series of grueling tests, Old Glory’s colors really do run when washed.

“Patriotic slogans aside, we tried Cheer®, we tried Downey®, and guess what?  The flag looked like the gay rainbow when it came out of the washer,” said P&G Chairman George Fenneman.  ”Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I think this patriotism is bunkum.”

In a private interview, Fenneman also told a reporter that the urban legend regarding Proctor & Gamble’s corporate logo is true. “Yes, it is a satanic symbol,” Fenneman whispered. He eyes nervously darted around the room. “There are sinister forces at work in this company, but the last person to say that out loud ended up as a roll of Charmin® . . .” Fenneman heard someone walking down the hall and quickly terminated the interview.

Jul 3

Billy Mays Gets Exemption For Neverland Burial

NeverlandSANTA BARBARA – A plan to bury Michael Jackson at his sprawling Neverland ranch fizzled yesterday when the billionaire who owns the property in a joint venture with Jackson was denied an exemption by the city of Santa Barbara to bury the pop star there.

In related news, Santa Barbara’s city council granted an exemption for late TV pitchman Billy Mays to be buried at Neverland.  Mr. Mays’ estate made the request earlier this week despite the fact that there is no known connection between Mr. Mays and Jackson. 

“I voted for the extension because Billy was handsome in a masculine way that Michael couldn’t hope to achieve, that’s all,” said a Santa Barbara city councilman who asked not to be identified “for fear my friends, relatives and colleagues will call me ‘faggot.’”

Santa Barbara had plenty of precedent for its exemption for Mays.  In January 2007, Saddam Hussein’s body was transported from Iraq to Memphis, Tennessee for burial next to his idol, Elvis Presley, at Graceland.

Jul 2

Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney Set to Serve as Guardians to Jacko’s Kids, Will Stage Show in a Barn to Raise Funds to Support Them

nfr_3HOLLYWOOD – Michael Jackson’s will names as guardians of his children his close friend, actress Elizabeth Taylor, 77, and one of Taylor’s favorite co-star from Hollywood’s golden age, Mickey Rooney, 88.

The guardianship will mark the first time that Taylor and Rooney have worked together since their smash hit “National Velvet” in 1944.

Mr. Rooney is concerned that he and Taylor will not have the financial wherewithal to raise the Jackson children in the style to which they are accustomed, so he suggested that they get some of their friends together — “kids from the neighborhood” — and put on a show in a local barn.

Jul 2

Michael Jackson Shocker: Joe Jackson Left Out of Son’s Will, Heads Back to Cornfield

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Jul 1

Michael Jackson Warned His Son That Whoever Approaches Him To Set Up a Meeting Will Be The Traitor

“Prince, Barzini wants to arrange a meeting.  He says we can straighten out any of our problems.  I can arrange security on my territory.”abevig

Jul 1

Iraqis Celebrate National Sovereignty Day By Skipping the Fireworks and Opting for Car Bombs Instead

car_bomb_explosion_lebanonBAGHDAD – Iraq chose to celebrate National Sovereignty Day, marking the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraqi cities, by skipping the fireworks and launching a car bomb that killed 24 people and wounded dozens instead. 

“We find that car bombs make for much more impressive explosions than fireworks,” said Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki.  “The ‘boom’ is more resounding, the flash more intense.  For most Iraqis, we don’t feel we’re alive unless we experience flying debris and body parts every once in a while.”

Jul 1

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