WASHINGTON – Cambridge, Mass. Police Sgt. James Crowley arrested President Barack Obama when Obama failed to produce his birth certificate during the White House “beer summit” with Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr.
“I had no proof he was who he claimed to be,” said Crowley. “He said he was the President and that he lived in the White House, but he couldn’t produce a birth certificate or even a key. How can you not have a key to your own home?”
Prof. Gates chortled, “Now do you see what I mean?” as Crowley led Obama away in handcuffs.
Vice President Joe Biden, who also attended the summit, fell asleep after drinking too much beer.
ROME – Justin Timberlake, accused by many of being the architect of Janet Jackson’s infamous “wardrobe malfunction” during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show, was implicated in U.S. swimmer Ricky Beren’s “swimsuit malfunction” that occurred during the World Swimming Championships in Rome on Sunday.
Shortly before Berens stepped up to the starting block for a qualifying heat of the 4x100m relay freestyle, Timberlake was entertaining the crowd with a medley of his hits. At precisely the point when the singer reached the final line of “Rock Your Body” — “I’m gonna have you naked by the end of this song” – Berens leaned down to stretch and tore his suit, exposing his backside.
The mishap, dubbed “Keistergate,” came eerily at precisely the same spot in “Rock Your Body” that Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction occurred 5 1/2 years ago, leading some to speculate it was no coincidence.
Timberlake claimed he had no involvement in the incident, which shocked large segments of the American public. The Parents Television Council claimed it received over 60,000 letters and emails from heterosexual men who say the incident turned them gay.
HOLLYWOOD – Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr., who found himself at the center of a national debate over racial profiling when he was arrested after being mistaken for a burglar, has been added to the cast of colorful characters for the upcoming heist film “Oceans Fourteen,” the third sequel to “Oceans Eleven.” Gates is slated to play Carmen Rubenstein, described in a press release as “a crackerjack burglar who brazenly steals by breaking into the front door. Rubenstein eludes arrest because of his uncanny ability to play the race card.”
According to sources close to the project, Gates and a cast of Hollywood luminaries that includes George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon play a ragtag team of crooks who take it on themselves to break into the Mexican Mint in order to bail out the state of California, which is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. Cambridge, Mass. Police Sgt. James Crowley has been signed to play their nemesis.
Next summer, Gates will star in the big screen remake of the ’60s television hit “It Takes a Thief,” about a cat burglar who steals to finance his lavish lifestyle.
JUNEAU – Beloved Rankin/Bass Claymation character Yukon Cornelius capped an unlikely political comeback to succeed Sarah Palin as Governor of Alaska yesterday.
Mr. Cornelius’ political career was nearly scuttled three years ago when an abominable snowman accused him of soliciting sex in an airport men’s room. In a tearful televised address, Mr. Cornelius vehemently denied the allegation, and the people of Alaska overwhelmingly backed him.
Last year, Mr. Cornelius announced that he was gay and was involved in a relationship with two different men, Congressman Barney Frank, D-Mass., and Hermey the Misfit Elf. Mr. Hermey subsequently was convicted of practicing dentistry without a license.
Mr. Cornelius is the first Claymation character to serve as Governor of a state outside of California.
Photo proves why Prof. Gates had to be arrested, said Cambridge Police Commissioner Robert Haas.
VATICAN CITY – The Swiss Guard was summoned to break up a brawl at The Confessional Tavern in Vatican City last night involving a drunken disorderly male later identified as Pope Benedict XVI.
When the Swiss Guard arrived at the scene they observed employees of the tavern trying to restrain the Pontiff, who was waving a broken beer bottle at them and shouting, “Come on! Who wants a piece of me?” When the Swiss Guard tried to restrain him, he slipped and fell, breaking his right arm.
The dispute reportedly started when a waiter at the tavern asked the Pope to bring his tab current.
WASHINGTON – A disappointed Neil Armstrong was presented with a piece of moon rock at a White House ceremony commemorating the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing.
“Due to massive cuts in the NASA budget, this is all we can afford,” said President Obama, sheepishly handing Armstrong the rock. “I wish we could have given you something more substantial. Nevertheless, we trust you will treasure these two grams of medium light gray, fine-grained basalt forever, just as we will always treasure the memory of your accomplishment.”
A visibly perturbed Armstrong looked at the rock for a moment before putting it in his breast pocket. He clutched the podium with both hands, his head lowered. When he finally addressed the crowd, his voice shook with rage.
RACINE, Wis. – The Milwaukee Chapter of NOW issued a statement condemning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile’s crash into a private Racine residence as “an all-too common patriarchal incursion on a woman’s right of privacy by a phallic-like instrument.”
NOW’s spokeswoman, Rosacea Swayne, said that one-in-four women are attacked by the Wienermobile during their lifetimes. Asked by a reporter why these incidents are not well-known, Swayne explained: “Underreporting.” She added: “The fact that no one is reporting all these assaults with Wienermobiles only underscores how prevalent they are.”
Swayne refuted the report that, in this instance, the Wienermobile was driven by a woman and the house it crashed into belonged to a man. “It couldn’t have happened that way. Seriously. Trust me on that one.”
Oscar Mayer issued a statement noting that the Wienermobile would have slid into the home’s garage without causing any damage to the house if it had been properly lathered with K-Y Jelly, consistent with Oscar Meyer corporate policy.
NEW YORK - Walter Cronkite, who had no idea what he was saying when he read the news to millions of Americans every night and yet was regarded as truth’s most trusted custodian, is dead at 92.
Cronkite fled the Netherlands and came to New York during World War II, and for several years eked out a living hawking Italian Ice in Times Square. He couldn’t speak English but parroted the words of people he saw on television. One day, while Cronkite was waiting on one of his regular customers, CBS founder William S. Paley, he blurted out, “Larry! Shemp! Get me outa this pipe!” Cronkite delivered the line with such authority that Paley knew instantly not only that Cronkite would be his network’s first anchorman, but also its most beloved cultural icon. Paley hired him on the spot.
Cronkite never bothered to learn English and read the news phonetically until the day he retired. He was able to deliver with passion his signature sign-off – “And that’s the way it is” – because Mr. Paley convinced him the words meant “I want to make love to all the beautiful women in your country.”
BOSTON – Just as a lad named Arthur proved himself to be the one true King by extracting Excalibur from a stubborn mythical stone, this morning John “Jack” Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg, 16, son of Caroline Kennedy, proved himself to be heir to the throne of the latter day Camelot by successfully starting Kennedy patriarch Ted’s ’67 Olds Delta 88 for the first time since its owner accidentally drove it off a bridge into Poucha Pond at Chappaquiddick Island, 40 years to the day.
Legend has it that “Who So Starteth Up The Car is Rightwise Heir to Camelot,” and it has become a right of passage for every young Kennedy to take a stab at repairing the water-damaged vehicle. When Jack turned the key and the engine hummed for the first time since that fateful night in July 1969, the timing was not lost on the stunned Kennedy clan. They quickly surrounded young Jack and kneeled before him.
“Ted was ecstatic, of course,” said long-time family advisor Ted Sorenson. “He hopped behind the wheel and yelled out, ‘Who wants to go for a spin with me?’ Oddly, he had no takers.”
WASHINGTON – Wise but fiery Latina Judge Sonia Sotomayor spontaneously combusted at her Senate confirmation hearing yesterday while listening to the testimony of white firefighter Frank Ricci, one of the men she ruled against in a celebrated reverse discriminaton case.
“I could see her getting flush while Ricci was speaking,” said Sen. Arlen Specter, R D-Pa. “But I had no idea she was about to blow.”
Flames suddenly shot out from Sotomayor’s hair, fingers and feet, and pandemonium erupted in the smoke-filled hearing chamber. “Is there a firefighter in the house?” yelled Sen. Patrick Leahy, D-Vermont. Mr. Ricci casually looked down at his notes, ignoring the inferno. Ricci later told reporters he believed the best tactic to control the blaze was isolation. “It needed to burn itself out,” he said.
Republican Senators vowed a quick vote on the confirmation of Sotomayor’s charred remains.
BERWICK, Pennsylvania – Wise Foods, Inc., the eastern U.S. snack food behemoth, announced today that Judge Sonia Sotomayor is replacing Wise’s iconic owl as the company’s potato chip mascot. She will be known as “The Wise Latina Woman.”
Sotomayor’s job will entail traveling around the country promoting Wise Potato Chips.
Wise Foods spokesman Noah Swayne said that the company thought about giving the mascot job to a white male, but Sotomayor convinced Wise that “The Wise Latina Woman” would make a better mascot.
Swayne said Wise will “work with” Sotomayor’s schedule if she is confirmed to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court. “Wise Foods realizes we might have to be a little flexible with [Sotomayor's] time if she becomes a Supreme Court Justice. By the same token, we expect the court to understand that we have a business to run, and there will be times when we need her to travel.”
Guest Commentary by Retired U.S. Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo: I rarely have occasion to utilize a public restroom, but during the Home Run Derby at Busch Stadium in St. Louis on Monday night, my bladder instructed me to frequent such a place. It was a horrid experience that is forever etched in my memory, and I shall describe it here.
While I was standing at the urinal, two college-aged men assumed spots at the urinals immediately to my right. They were conversing in the inane style of that age group, peppering every sentence of their frivolous dialogue with the word “like.” Nothing was the actual thing they were discussing; everything was “like” the actual thing, which, of course, makes no sense. They prattled on about mammary glands and the female canal leading from the uterus, undoubtedly the only biological concepts they have any interest in.
When they had finished emptying what recently was illegally imbibed beer from their underaged bladders, one of the young men immediately fled out the door without washing his hands in the de rigueur fashion of that revolting age group. My mind instinctively conjured up all manner of hideous scenario involving those bacteria-laden claws groping some unsuspecting young woman.
WASHINGTON – On the first day of her Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the Senate Judiciary Committee that if confirmed, she will rely on her “mood ring” to decide cases. A mood ring contains a thermochromic liquid crystal that changes color in response to body temperature and indicates the wearer’s emotional state.
“When I hear an oral argument, I will carefully monitor the color of my [mood] ring so that I have an accurate gauge of my emotional reaction to it,” she testified. “That’s how I intend to decide cases.”
In nominating Sotomayor for the high court, President Obama publicly stated that he was looking for a judge with “empathy.” He later clarified that remark: “By ‘empathy’ I mean ‘a mood ring,’” the President told MSNBC.
Sotomayor candidly admitted that in using her mood ring to decide cases on the Second Court of Appeals, it has never once changed to “blue,” indicating warm and happy feelings, for a white male litigant. ”White males almost always cause the ring to change to dark red or black, indicating anger and fear,” she explained.
DETROIT – General Motors emerged from bankruptcy with a new look, and some witnesses claim that the once strapping auto industry leader has been turned into a grotesque abomination.
“When [U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Robert Gerber] removed the bandages,” said tipstaff Bradleys Roadhouse, “seven people fainted, it was so hideous. No one had the heart to tell General Motors, so we covered up the mirrors and kept repeating how good the new company looks.”
To make matters worse, auto industry insiders revealed that in stitching together the new General Motors, Judge Gerber accidentally used an “abnormal” brain. “The judge dropped the good brain he intended to use, so he grabbed the only one he could find — unfortunately, it once belonged to Lehman Brothers.”