Monthly Archives: July 2009

Sgt. Crowley Arrests Obama at “Beer Summit”

WASHINGTON – Cambridge, Mass. Police Sgt. James Crowley arrested President Barack Obama when Obama failed to produce his birth certificate during the White House “beer summit” with Prof. Henry Louis Gates Jr. “I had no proof he was who he

Posted in U.S. News

GOP Shocked by Discovery of Long Lost Document

Posted in History

Timberlake Tied to Swimsuit Malfunction

ROME – Justin Timberlake, accused by many of being the architect of Janet Jackson’s infamous “wardrobe malfunction” during the Super Bowl XXXVIII halftime show, was implicated in U.S. swimmer Ricky Beren’s “swimsuit malfunction” that occurred during the World Swimming Championships in Rome

Posted in Sports

Prof. Gates Joins Cast of Heist Film “Oceans Fourteen”

HOLLYWOOD – Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr., who found himself at the center of a national debate over racial profiling when he was arrested after being mistaken for a burglar, has been added to the cast of colorful characters for the upcoming heist

Posted in Entertainment

Palin Says She’s Looking Forward to Spending More Time “On Todd’s Big Dog Sled”

Former Alaskan Governor offers one of her trademark winks, adds, “If you know what I mean”

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Yukon Cornelius Succeeds Palin

JUNEAU – Beloved Rankin/Bass Claymation character Yukon Cornelius capped an unlikely political comeback to succeed Sarah Palin as Governor of Alaska yesterday. Mr. Cornelius’ political career was nearly scuttled three years ago when an abominable snowman accused him of soliciting sex in an

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Posted in Politics

Benedict XVI Finds New Ways to Reach Youth

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Posted in Religion

Photo Released: Police Officer James Crowley, After Being Verbally Assaulted by Harvard Prof. Gates

Photo proves why Prof. Gates had to be arrested, said Cambridge Police Commissioner Robert Haas.    

Posted in Extras

Pope Breaks Arm in Barroom Brawl

VATICAN CITY – The Swiss Guard was summoned to break up a brawl at The Confessional Tavern in Vatican City last night involving a drunken disorderly male later identified as Pope Benedict XVI. When the Swiss Guard arrived at the scene they observed employees of the

Posted in Religion

Chris Brown Videotapes Apology to Rihanna

“Bitch better accept it, or else!” says contrite rapper

Posted in Crime, Entertainment, Pop Culture

Neil Armstrong “Expected More” than Gift of Moon Rock on 40th Moon Landing Anniversary

WASHINGTON – A disappointed Neil Armstrong was presented with a piece of moon rock at a White House ceremony commemorating the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing.  “Due to massive cuts in the NASA budget, this is all we can afford,”

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Posted in Science

NOW Says One in Four Women are Assaulted by the Wienermobile

RACINE, Wis. – The Milwaukee Chapter of NOW issued a statement condemning the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile’s crash into a private Racine residence as “an all-too common patriarchal incursion on a woman’s right of privacy by a phallic-like instrument.” NOW’s spokeswoman, Rosacea Swayne, said

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Posted in Gender News, Local News, U.S. News

Obituary: Walter Cronkite: Mastered Art of Delivering News Phonetically

NEW YORK – Walter Cronkite, who had no idea what he was saying when he read the news to millions of Americans every night and yet was regarded as truth’s most trusted custodian, is dead at 92. Cronkite fled the Netherlands and came to New York during World

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Posted in Media, Obituaries

Heir to Camelot Anointed on Anniversary of Chappaquiddick

BOSTON – Just as a lad named Arthur proved himself to be the one true King by extracting Excalibur from a stubborn mythical stone, this morning John “Jack” Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg, 16, son of Caroline Kennedy, proved himself to be heir to the throne of the latter day

Posted in Extras

Sotomayor Spontaneously Combusts, Firefighter Frank Ricci Suggests Letting Fire Burn Itself Out

WASHINGTON – Wise but fiery Latina Judge Sonia Sotomayor spontaneously combusted at her Senate confirmation hearing yesterday while listening to the testimony of white firefighter Frank Ricci, one of the men she ruled against in a celebrated reverse discriminaton case.   “I

Posted in Legal News

Wise Potato Chips Unveils New Mascot: “The Wise Latina Woman”

BERWICK, Pennsylvania – Wise Foods, Inc., the eastern U.S. snack food behemoth, announced today that Judge Sonia Sotomayor is replacing Wise’s iconic owl as the company’s potato chip mascot.  She will be known as “The Wise Latina Woman.” Sotomayor’s job will entail traveling around the country

Posted in Business

Excessive Shaking at Ballpark Urinal Called “Appalling”

Guest Commentary by Retired U.S. Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo:  I rarely have occasion to utilize a public restroom, but during the Home Run Derby at Busch Stadium in St. Louis on Monday night, my bladder instructed me to frequent such a place.  It was a horrid experience that is

Posted in Sports

Sotomayor Says She Uses Mood Ring to Decide Cases

WASHINGTON – On the first day of her Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the Senate Judiciary Committee that if confirmed, she will rely on her “mood ring” to decide cases.  A mood ring contains a thermochromic liquid crystal that

Posted in Legal News

New Face of General Motors Revealed

DETROIT – General Motors emerged from bankruptcy with a new look, and some witnesses claim that the once strapping auto industry leader has been turned into a grotesque abomination. “When [U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Robert Gerber] removed the bandages,” said tipstaff Bradleys Roadhouse, “seven

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Posted in Economy

Presidents Clear Up Photo Controversy

Obama: “I was not looking at that girl’s ass.” Sarkozy: “I was looking at Obama’s ass.”

Posted in Gender News, International News, Politics, U.S. News
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