Mel Gibson’s Father: “Holocaust Museum Shooting Was a Hoax”

gibsondadHutton Gibson insists “no guard ever died”

Jun 11

Breaking News: Justice Ginsburg Blocks Brake Fluid Flush to Local Man’s Plymouth Volaré

ginsburg-cancerWASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg issued an order stopping Jupiter Chrysler Plymouth of Chevy Chase, Maryland from making repairs to Noah Swayne’s 1981 Plymouth Volaré, including a long-awaited brake fluid flush, sources close to Mr. Swayne revealed.

Mr. Swayne, a Bethesda construction worker, had “no idea” why the Justice singled out his car in her two-sentence order, but suspects it “must have something to do with the time me and my buddies [urinated] on [fellow construction worker] Devon Crane when he was [feces]-faced passed out.”

Italian automaker Fiat, looking to acquire a controlling stake in Chrysler, expressed “alarm” over Justice Ginsburg’s order, and is considering filing a motion to expedite final resolution of the controversy “given that the brake fluid in that particular car hasn’t been replaced in almost five years.”

Jun 10

Al Qaeda Suspends Mullah Omar For Violating Drug Policy

mullah_omar_1SWAT VALLEY - Al Qaeda has suspended Taliban leader Mullah Omar for fifty days after drug tests revealed the presence of a female fertility drug in Mr. Omar’s system.  Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden made the announcement on a videocassette released to the al Jazeera network yesterday.

“It’s a dark day for terrorism, and it’s a dark day for this organization,” said Mr. Bin Laden.

Mr. Omar, who signed with Al Qaeda as a free agent several years ago after leaving Afghanistan, has a reputation as a talented, but temperamental figure. A colleague who refused to speak on the record said he wasn’t surprised by the news that Mr. Omar was using banned substances.

“That’s just Mullah being Mullah.”

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Jun 10

Sotomayor’s Broken Latina Ankle To Heal Faster Than A White Male’s Ankle

sotomayroWASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor broke her ankle Monday morning after stumbling in a New York airport and was treated by physicians at George Washington University upon her arrival in the nation’s capital.

After emerging from the hospital in a cast, Sotomayor read a one-sentence statement for reporters:  ”I am happy to report that because of the richness of my Latina ankle’s experiences, more often than not, it will undergo a faster recovery than the ankle of a white male.”

Right-wing radio talk host Rush Limbaugh said Sotomayor’s statement “unnecessarily politicized her health with yet another racist remark,” but White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs said that Limbaugh “took the statement out of context — again.”  Gibbs added that Mr. Limbaugh’s criticism was unwarranted ”because nowhere, and I mean nowhere, did the statement even allude to white males.”

Jun 9

French Topple Jerry Lewis Statue, Declare Obama “Greatest American”

copy-of-jerry-lewisPARIS – Obama-mania swept The City of Lights on President Obama’s first visit to France, and thousands of cheering Parisians lined the River Seine to catch a glimpse of America’s superstar head of state.

The ecstatic crowd worked itself into a fevered frenzy as the President’s motorcade approached, then hordes of revelers suddenly broke through police barriers and charged into the square surrounding iconic Notre Dame Cathedral where they toppled the statue of American slapstick comedian Jerry Lewis, who is revered in France. 

“Obama is now the greatest American!” shouted a man in the crowd.

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Jun 8

Intruder Attacks, Tries to Put Red Hat on Roger Federer at French Open; College of Cardinals Are Persons of Interest

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Jun 8

Sotomayor Admits She is Member of “Sharks,” Deceased Boyfriend Was Member of “Jets”

west_side_story_22343tWASHINGTON – Documents provided by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor reveal that she is a member of the Puerto Rican gang the “Sharks,” which struggles for control of the neighborhood against the American gang the “Jets.”

The documents also shed light on Sotomayor’s tumultuous love affair with a youth known only as ”Tony,” who was a member of the rival Jets gang.  Mr. Tony was gunned down in a street brawl by a Mr. Chino, a member of the Sharks, in apparent retaliation for Mr. Tony’s murder of Sotomayor’s brother, Bernardo, in a fit of rage.

Other documents raise questions about Sotomayor’s loyalty to America. In one instance, Sotomayor refused to join other young women of Puerto Rican heritage in singing “I like to be in America, Okay by me in America, Everything free in America . . . .”

Jun 5

“Kung Fu” Icon David Carradine Died of Self-Inflicted Kick Wounds

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Jun 5

Five Years After Ronald Reagan’s Death, We Reprint Some of the Moving Tributes Paid to Him That day

reagan20photo“I was impressed with him from our first meeting — he was so intimidating he made my head break out in a rash.” — Mikhail Gorbachev

“Some have misconstrued our relationship as having been marked by animosity. It is difficult to fathom where such notions originated. I have always had the utmost respect for President Reagan, and I am grateful that the attempt to end his life in which I played some role was ultimately unsuccessful.” – John Hinkley

“After he was shot, I told the press that when they wheeled him into the hospital the President said, ‘Honey, I forgot to duck.’  I must now confess that this wasn’t totally accurate.  He really said, ‘Honey, I think I am a duck.’” — Dr. Francis Fitzgerald, treating physician following the assassination attempt on President Reagan in March 1981

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Jun 5

King Abdullah Accused of Plagiarizing Other Head of State in Conferring Medallion on Obama

wizardobamaKING ABDULLAH:  Back where I come from, we have men who are called “heroes.”  Once a year, they take their fortitude out of mothballs and parade it down the main street of the city. And they have no more courage than you have.  But — they have one thing that you haven’t got: a medal.  Therefore, for meritorious conduct, extraordinary valor, conspicuous bravery against wicked witches, I award you the Triple Cross. You are now a member of the Legion of Courage!

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Ah, shucks, folks, I’m speechless!

Jun 4

White House Panics New York City By Sending Giant Ape Atop Empire State Building for Photo-Op

king-kong-1NEW YORK – The White House apologized to panicked New Yorkers still skittish about 9/11 for the photo-op stunt in which it sent a giant, menacing ape to the top of the Empire State Building without first informing the city.

Senator Charles Schumer (D-New York) said it was ”absolutely outrageous to allow that giant ape to run loose in Manhattan, given his awful stench.”  After consulting aides, Schumer amended his remarks. ”I did not mean to imply in my earlier remarks that the problem was the monkey’s odor.  The monkey smells fine.  The problem was that the monkey panicked innocent New Yorkers.”

White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs said the photo-op stunt was staged “because the White House did not have a recent photo of a giant ape terrorizing New York City.”  Gibbs released this photo from the stunt and noted that “given the, um, cool picture we got out of it, maybe the panic was worthwhile.”

Jun 3

Presidential Theater Review

august-1President Obama says all-Asian version of August Wilson’s Joe Turner’s Come and Gone “misses the mark.”

Jun 3

Obama Says Sotomayor’s “Castrate White Males” Comment Taken Out of Context

sotoWASHINGTON – President Obama said that comments by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a 2004 speech in which she called for the “castration of all white males until they are no longer dominant,” have been “taken out of context” by right wing ideologues.

In the speech delivered to the San Juan chapter of NOW, Sotomayor said, “I want to be perfectly clear about this next comment so that there is no mistaking my words to mean something other than what they plainly say: the time has come to end white male oppression by castrating every white male until they are no longer dominant in Western culture. That means forcible removal of their testicles. I realize the brutality of  my comment, and I don’t know how to say it more clearly.”

It was revealed that Sotomayor used precisely the same language in seven other speeches.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs agreed with President Obama that the statement “has been taken out of context,” and added that Sotomayor “certainly did not mean” that white males should be castrated.  “Judge Sotomayor was simply saying that there should be room at the American table for diverse cultures, that’s all. It is astounding that people are reading ‘castration’ into it.”

President Obama told MSNBC:  ”Look, when Judge Sotomayor appears before the Senate committee, all this nonsense being spewed out by ideologues will be revealed for what it is.”

Jun 2

Town of Bedford Falls Saves General Motors From Bankruptcy

BEDFORD FALLS – General Motors Corporation was saved from bankruptcy by the generosity of the citizens of the idyllic town of Bedford Falls, New York.

Last night, GM CEO Frederick “Fritz” Henderson arrived at the ramshackle home of local building and loan executive George Bailey and his wife Mary. Mrs. Bailey excitedly pulled Henderson into the Bailey’s inexplicably large living room that resembles a sound stage and stood him next to an oversized Christmas tree.

“It’s a miracle, Mr. Henderson! It’s a miracle!” she said, anxiously awaiting the front door to burst open. The door swung open with a fury and a throng of excited revelers forced their way in. George Bailey’s uncle Billy led the way, carrying a clothes basket full of money, which he euphorically dumped onto a makeshift table set up in front of the shocked CEO.  The other town folk followed suit and, like modern day Magi, giddily spilled money from their pockets, wallets, shoe boxes and coffee pots. 

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Jun 1

“Curse of Titanic” Claims Last Survivor; Millvina Dean Dies at 97, of Natural Causes

titanic5LONDON – Millvina Dean,the last survivor from the sinking of the Titanic in 1912, has died in England at age 97. 

Sir Osmond Swayne, Titanic historian, explained that the death of Ms. Dean a year after the death by natural causes of Titanic survivor Barbara West Dainton, 96, and just two years after the death by natural causes of Titanic survivor Lillian Gertrud Asplund, 99,  is “more than just an astounding coincidence.”

“What are the odds that three women in their late 90s just happen to die within three years of each other? And does it not strain credulity that all three supposedly died of ‘natural causes’ connected with old age?  No, there is only one possible explanation: the Curse of the Titanic,” he explained.

Sir Osmond explained that the “Curse of the Titanic” has been taking lives of persons on the ship’s last voyage since 1912. “The curse actually started with the sinking, because many lives were lost that night by drowning.”  He added that “no one who was on that boat that night is safe, trust me.”

Jun 1

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