Ayatollah Khamenei Retains Katherine “Hanging Chad” Harris To Recount Votes

voteaaaTEHRAN - As thousands of demonstrators marched and chanted in the streets of Tehran, Iran’s all-powerful Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, announced that a “blue ribbon panel” has concluded there was no fraud in the June 12 presidential vote in which hardliner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was declared the victor over opposition leader Mir Hossein Mousavi. 

Khamenei revealed that he retained Katherine Harris, the controversial former Florida Secretary of State who spearheaded the United States’ 2000 Presidential election “recount” that put George Bush in the White House over Al Gore, to head a panel that ”recounted” the votes of the June 12 election.  Khamenei said that Harris “happened to reach the result I wanted” and found Ahmadinejad was the winner.

President Obama issued a statement:  ”I am pleased that the will of the Iranian people has prevailed, and I am especially pleased that I won’t be forced to take a stand against the government of Iran, given that this administration believes it is more important to curry favor with foreign governments that despise the United States than our long-term allies or even the American people themselves.”

Ayatollah Khamenei said he was satisfied with Harris’ work.  “Normally, I have much loathing and contempt for women, but Katherine is different,” he smiled. 

“Now that we have proved to the world that we are an open, democratic, just and peaceful nation, if the protests don’t end immediately, I will rain bloodshed and chaos on the demonstrators and personally rip open each of their scrota and crush their testicles.”

In a televised joint press conference with Khamenei, Harris explained her methodology for the recount.  “We instilled the same fair procedures we employed in the 2000 election,” she smirked.  “My committee recounted in excess of 200 million votes . . . .” 

Khamenei nervously cut her off.  “Wait!  Wait!  Wait!  Katherine, there are only 70 million people in Iran, you could not have recounted in excess of 200 million votes.”  Khamenei moved his face closer to the television camera and spoke in a stage whisper.  “Typical woman — this dame must not know how to count,” he winked.

Jun 22