Chicago Newspaper “Mortified” Over Botched Headline

deweydeweydeweya3TEHRAN – The Chicago Daily Tribune said it was “mortified” for publishing a banner headline incorrectly declaring former New York Governor Thomas Dewey the winner of Iran’s presidential election over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.   The venerable Chicago paper apologized to readers in a light-hearted editorial, explaining that “hey, we’re only human — and besides, it’s only Iran.” 

The paper did not explain how it made the mistake of declaring Dewey, who has been deceased since 1971, the victor.  Dewey, by all accounts, had no connection with Iran.

The runner-up in the election, former Iranian Prime Minister Mir-Houssein Mousavi, held an impromptu news conference last night.  

Sporting a heavy five-o’clock shadow and sweating profusely, Mousavi was clearly agitated.  He started to read a prepared statement: “Last week, Iran thrilled to the news that it reelected native son  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. . . .”  Suddenly, Mousavi looked up and stared straight ahead for what seemed an eternity. Then he slowly ripped up the prepared remarks. “I think we’ve all heard enough about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  I don’t want to talk about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today, OK?  This is about Mir-Houssein Mousavi.”

Mousavi’s eyes appeared puffy as he regaled reporters about his past.  “And I remember my old man,” he rambled.  “I think that they would have called him sort of a little man, a common man. He didn’t consider himself that way. He had a lemon ranch. It was the poorest lemon ranch in California, I can assure you. But he was a great man.”

Then he stared intently at the reporters.  “Ever since this campaign began, you’ve had a lot of fun, a lot of fun attacking me and I think I’ve given as good as I’ve taken. As I leave you, I want you to know one thing: just think how much you’re going to be missing. You don’t have Mousavi to kick around anymore. Because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference. Thank you, gentlemen and good day.”

The election capped a wild, contentious campaign in which the candidates appeared on state television for a highly anticipated debate.  Both candidates displayed a firm grasp of the issues pollsters say are crucially important to Mohammed Six-Pack, including the proper length and width of a man’s beard, as well as the amount of time that must elapse following a wedding before the groom can gaze upon the uncovered ankle of his bride. 

But after President Ahmadinejad made repeated comparisons to his policies and those of Ayatollah Khomeini, Mr. Mousavi turned to him.  ”President Ahmadinejad, I knew Ayatollah Khomeini. Ayatollah Khomeini was a friend of mine. Mr. President, you’re no Ayatollah Khomeini!” 

The hall erupted in partisan cheering, and the moderator pleaded for calm, under pain of summary execution.

Jun 15