Al Qaeda Suspends Mullah Omar For Violating Drug Policy

mullah_omar_1SWAT VALLEY - Al Qaeda has suspended Taliban leader Mullah Omar for fifty days after drug tests revealed the presence of a female fertility drug in Mr. Omar’s system.  Al Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden made the announcement on a videocassette released to the al Jazeera network yesterday.

“It’s a dark day for terrorism, and it’s a dark day for this organization,” said Mr. Bin Laden.

Mr. Omar, who signed with Al Qaeda as a free agent several years ago after leaving Afghanistan, has a reputation as a talented, but temperamental figure. A colleague who refused to speak on the record said he wasn’t surprised by the news that Mr. Omar was using banned substances.

“That’s just Mullah being Mullah.”

Late yesterday Mr. Omar released a statement explaining that he thought use of the drug, commonly known as hCG, would make him a better terrorist.

“I am committed to making this organization a winner,” he said.  “Unfortunately, I tried to take a short-cut that was both a violation of the collective bargaining agreement and unIslamic. For that, I express my regrets.”

Mr. Omar went on to blame an international cabal of Zionists, Christians, Freemasons and Papists for his troubles, and vowed to improve his skills during his suspension.

“I’m going to come back fifty days from now meaner, madder, and more lethal than ever.”

Jun 10