Scalia, Alito Fined for Excessive Celebrating Following Reversal of Sotomayor Decision

supremecourtsLater, Justices fete Justice Souter in retirement luncheon at Olive Garden

WASHINGTON - Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito were fined $250 for engaging in excessive celebrating following the announcement of the high court’s decision in Ricci v. DeStafano, which reversed Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s decision and held that white firefighters in New Haven, Connecticut were unfairly denied promotions because of their race.

Immediately after the decision was announced in the Supreme Court Monday afternoon, Scalia and Alito leaped from their chairs and climbed over the bench.  Scalia launched into an impromptu Chicken Dance, then pretended to pull down his pants and moon Justice Ginsburg, author of the dissenting opinion.  Alito spiked his copy of the decision into the carpet, then performed an impressive double back-flip.

Chief Justice Roberts shook his head with bemusement and said with a chuckle, “these celebrations are getting out of hand.”

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Jun 30

Oldest Known Portrait of St. Paul Found on Catacomb Walls Resembles Late TV Pitchman Billy Mays

billy-ne-1ROME – Vatican archaeologists have discovered the oldest image in existence of St Paul the Apostle, dating from the late 4th century, on the walls of a catacomb beneath Rome.  

Vatican newspaper Osservatore Romano, revealing the find on Monday, published a picture of a frescoed image of the face of a man who bears what one Cardinal called “an uncanny resemblance” to late TV pitchman Billy Mays.

Pope Benedict described the image to reporters as that of an ordinary Joe.  ”He looks like that good looking guy at the end of the cul de sac who you just want to hang with and have a couple of beers, even though you know he’s going to talk a lot of nonsense and sell you something you don’t need.”

Jun 30

Shocker: After Finding Michael Jackson Lifeless, His Masseuse Called Mary-Kate Olsen

photo-warren-commissionqqq1Family converges on Jackson home, Jackson’s son asks “Why are all these black people here?” 

Warren Commission reconvened to investigate cause of death.

HOLLYWOOD – The Warren Commission was reconvened for the first time since it investigated the death of President John F. Kennedy to learn what killed pop sensation Michael Jackson.  The committee’s chairman, retired Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren, 118, issued a statement noting that “no issue, perhaps in the entire history of our Republic, is as important to the American people as the death of the King of Pop.”

Among other questions the panel will investigate is why daytime Emmy Award nominated actress Mary-Kate Olsen was notified of Jackson’s death before anyone called 9-1-1.  In an eerie replay of  actor Heath Ledger’s death last year, Jackson’s masseuse called Ms. Olsen who, in turn, directed a private security guard to go to Jackson’s leased home.  Only then was 9-1-1 called. 

The masseuse told reporters that she called Ms. Olsen, who had no connection with Jackson, because she thought that was standard Hollywood protocol.  “A celebrity drops dead, you call Mary-Kate,” she said.

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Jun 29

Gruesome Discovery: Removal of Michael Jackson’s Nose Reveals Terrified Blond Boy Trapped Inside Him

mjgloveHOLLYWOOD - Emergency room physicians at UCLA Medical Center, working feverishly to resuscitate entertainment sensation Michael Jackson Thursday afternoon after he stopped breathing, accidentally snapped off The King of Pop’s nose and were shocked to find a terrified blond, Caucasian male, approximately 7 or 8 years old, living inside his body.

Jackson was pronounced dead at age 50 a short time later, and doctors immediately freed the boy, whose identity is not known. 

Doctors say they have no idea how the boy got inside Jackson, and a Jackson spokesman assured the late entertainer’s fans that the boy “must have crawled inside [Jackson's body] when the entertainer was asleep.”

Shocked fans from around the world mourned Jackson’s death.  At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, visitors say that the fingers on Jackson’s trademark white glove partially closed and assumed a pose that one fan likened to a masturbatory grip.

Jun 26

Busy Executive: No Time To Rue The Day, Will Rue The Hour Instead

rue-the-day1PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, Senior Vice President for PNC Bank, and his next door neighbor Bradleys Roadhouse have reached a consensus following a heated dispute last week during which Roadhouse told Swayne he would “rue the day” that Swayne accidentally cut down Roadhouse’s apple tree.

After several emails exchanged back and forth, Swayne convinced Roadhouse that he doesn’t have time to rue an entire day, and finally Roadhouse agreed that Swayne will “rue the hour” instead.

“We compromised,” Roadhouse explained.  “I tried to get him to ‘rue the afternoon,’ but eventually settled for just an hour.  Fact is, I just wanted him to rue something.  An hour’s good.”

Jun 25

Local Woman Tapped To Single-Handedly Complete New Arena

forbes_field

PITTSBURGH – Patricia J. Rogers, Exhibits Coordinator at Pittsburgh’s Carnegie Science Center, has been selected to single-handedly finish construction of the Pittsburgh Penguins’ new arena, dubbed the Consol Energy Center. 

The construction crew working on the building since 2007 has been dismissed from the job.

Ms. Rogers got the assignment after members of the Sports & Exhibition Authority of Pittsburgh and Allegheny County saw the 1:64 scale model that she built of Forbes Field, former home of the Pittsburgh Pirates, for the Science Center’s Miniature Railroad and Village.

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Jun 25

Obama Elevates Feelings on Violence Against Iran Protestors to “Somewhat Perturbed”

obamalaughWASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said he elevated his feelings Tuesday about the violence that has killed at least 17 Iranian protesters to “somewhat, mildly perturbed.”  This marked a dramatic change in the President’s rhetoric because for the past week, his feelings stood at “ho hum.”

Obama, who has been accused by some Republicans of being too timid in his response to events in Iran, went so far as to say “the situation in Iran may not be what it could be.” 

The President refused to say what emotions he would experience if the violence continues, but White House spokesman Robert Gibbs hinted that “it is just possible — not saying he will, but possible — that if the violence escalates to a full-blown slaughter of, say, thousands of innocent people, the President might just lightly pound his fist once or twice to send a profoundly powerful message.”

Jun 24

Local Man: “Chief’s Likeness Burned My Hand!”

photo-four-roone-statuea1PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 33, said that the iconic statue of beloved Pittsburgh Steelers founder Art Rooney, Sr. grabbed and burned his hand with his signature cigar this morning as Swayne was walking past the likeness of the man everyone in Pittsburgh called ”The Chief.” 

“I was telling my buddy, Samuel Blatchford, that the Steelers won’t repeat as Super Bowl champs,” Swayne explained, “and then all of a sudden, this powerful hand grabs me — it’s Mr. Rooney!  Then he took that giant cigar he holds and thrust the lit end into my hand.  I want to tell you, they could hear me screaming all the way to [popular local fast food restaurant] Primanti’s.”

Mr. Swayne immediately reported the assault to the statue of the police officer at the nearby Law Enforcement Memorial.

Jun 24

Study concludes it isn’t what it is

photo-two-dr-swayneWASHINGTON – Scientists have debunked the cliché that “it is what it is” by proving that most of the the time it isn’t what it is.

“The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at a cost to taxpayers of $8 million. 

“Most surprisingly, we also found that ‘it always was what it wasn’t.’”

Jun 23

North Korea Set to Fire Missile on Hawaiian Set of ABC Series “Lost”

launchHONOLULU  –  The US military in Hawaii has been placed on “high alert” and has ordered the island’s antimissile defenses beefed-up in response to intelligence reports that North Korea ”likely” will fire long-range ballistic missiles toward the set of the ABC hit series “Lost,” which films on the island of Oahu.

The North Korean government under Kim Jong-il reportedly is “gravely unhappy” about the confusing plot lines of the popular fantasy-adventure series and has sent several threatening notes to the show’s producers demanding more cohesive plots. 

Among other things, Jong-il demanded ”an end to all the time travel and quantum physics nonsense.”   Insiders say that since Jong-il’s demands have been ignored, he is intent on ”upping the ante” to achieve the desired changes.

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Jun 22

Ayatollah Khamenei Retains Katherine “Hanging Chad” Harris To Recount Votes

voteaaaTEHRAN - As thousands of demonstrators marched and chanted in the streets of Tehran, Iran’s all-powerful Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, announced that a “blue ribbon panel” has concluded there was no fraud in the June 12 presidential vote in which hardliner Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was declared the victor over opposition leader Mir Hossein Mousavi. 

Khamenei revealed that he retained Katherine Harris, the controversial former Florida Secretary of State who spearheaded the United States’ 2000 Presidential election “recount” that put George Bush in the White House over Al Gore, to head a panel that ”recounted” the votes of the June 12 election.  Khamenei said that Harris “happened to reach the result I wanted” and found Ahmadinejad was the winner.

President Obama issued a statement:  ”I am pleased that the will of the Iranian people has prevailed, and I am especially pleased that I won’t be forced to take a stand against the government of Iran, given that this administration believes it is more important to curry favor with foreign governments that despise the United States than our long-term allies or even the American people themselves.”

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Jun 22

Hero of Hudson River Landing Chides Deceased Pilot: “Dying During Flight The Worst Thing a Pilot Can Do”

photo-one-sullenberger1WASHINGTON — Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger, the hero of US Airways’ dramatic Hudson River landing, chided the pilot of Continental Flight 61, who died of an apparent heart attack while flying from Brussels to Newark. 

“Dying during flight is the absolute worst thing a pilot can do.  A good pilot waits until he has the plane safely on the ground to drop dead.  A real hero would have waited.  I would have waited.”

Continental Airlines took no position on the propriety of dying while piloting a flight but said it was extending a 10% discount to the family of the deceased pilot for providing the service of transporting a deceased loved one.  

“Our normal charge would have been $522.76, so just take 10 percent off of that — I could do the math but I don’t want to ruin the challenge for you,” said Continental spokesman Bradleys Roadhouse. Roadhouse explained that “the moment the dead guy keeled over, he became cargo, and we charge for it.”

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Jun 19

Sotomayor Reveals Membership in All-Women’s Club of Warriors

amazonWASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor revealed that she is a member of a group of all-female warriors called The Amazons. 

The organization, which claims to predate the Trojan War, describes itself as “helping women pursue more significant dreams, ambitions, purposes and spiritual fulfillment as they prepare for the inevitable final battle with men.” 

Judge Sotomayor insisted that the organization does not discriminate against men.  “Once a year, to prevent our ranks from dying out, we visit an all-male club in order to mate.” 

“We treat any resulting male children from these visits in the most humane way possible,” Sotomayor explained.  “We do not kill them.  We merely leave them exposed to the wilderness.  Anyone who wants them, even their fathers, I suppose, are permitted to come and get them.  This humane treatment of males is, after all, consistent with what a wise Latina would do.”

Jun 18

Sen. Ensign Deflects Criticism of Extramarital Affair By Declaring That A-Rod Knocked Up Palin’s Daughter

ensignLAS VEGAS – Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) deftly diverted criticism about his extramarital affair with a campaign staffer by issuing a joking statement that Sarah Palin’s daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez during the seventh inning stretch of a Yankees game. 

Governor Palin immediately branded the joke, which mirrored one told by David Letterman last week, “sexually perverted.”  The comment evoked outrage by conservatives and feminists, but it had its intended effect because neither group focused on Ensign’s marital infidelity.

On Tuesday afternoon, a somber looking Ensign conducted a press conference with his wife, Darlene, at his side in a packed conference room in the Lloyd D. George Federal building in Las Vegas.  

“I told a joke that was beyond flawed,” Ensign said matter-of-factly.  “I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having told that joke. So I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also the governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I’m sorry about it, and I’ll try to do better in the future.”

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Jun 17

18,000-Year-Old Pottery Found in Chinese Cave The Only Pan Capable of Enhancing Texture of Aunt Mae’s Lemon Sponge Pie

lemon-pie-ct-1667887-xTEL AVIV – Israeli archaeologist Dr. Rasa Tabula has discovered the world’s oldest known pottery, an 18,000-year-old pie pan, in the Yuchanyan Cave located in the Yangzi River basin. 

Dr. Tabula immediately delivered the ancient artifact to her Aunt, Mae Birnbaum, 80, a homemaker in Tel Aviv, so that the old woman could use it to bake one of her world-famous lemon sponge pies.

The pie was “a sensation,” said Mrs. Birnbaum’s friends and family. 

Modern pie pans have been ruining the old woman’s signature pie for years, causing undue flaking and over-browning, sources reported.  “But this pan baked a picture-perfect pie,” said Dr. Tabula. ”It’s the only pan Aunt Mae will use from now on.”

Dr. Tabula heads back to the Yuchanyan Cave next week in the hope of finding matching mugs and silverware.

Jun 16

Penguins See Lord Stanley’s Cup Up Close, Say They’re “Sorry” They Won It

stanley_cup1“I don’t think this thing’s ever been washed,” said Penguins’ captain Sidney Crosby

Jun 15

Chicago Newspaper “Mortified” Over Botched Headline

deweydeweydeweya3TEHRAN – The Chicago Daily Tribune said it was “mortified” for publishing a banner headline incorrectly declaring former New York Governor Thomas Dewey the winner of Iran’s presidential election over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.   The venerable Chicago paper apologized to readers in a light-hearted editorial, explaining that “hey, we’re only human — and besides, it’s only Iran.” 

The paper did not explain how it made the mistake of declaring Dewey, who has been deceased since 1971, the victor.  Dewey, by all accounts, had no connection with Iran.

The runner-up in the election, former Iranian Prime Minister Mir-Houssein Mousavi, held an impromptu news conference last night.  

Sporting a heavy five-o’clock shadow and sweating profusely, Mousavi was clearly agitated.  He started to read a prepared statement: “Last week, Iran thrilled to the news that it reelected native son  Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. . . .”  Suddenly, Mousavi looked up and stared straight ahead for what seemed an eternity. Then he slowly ripped up the prepared remarks. “I think we’ve all heard enough about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  I don’t want to talk about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today, OK?  This is about Mir-Houssein Mousavi.”

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Jun 15

Stanley Cup Scandal: Crosby Plagiarized Big Motivational Speech Before Game 6

81108716CP120_Pittsburgh_PePITTSBURGH, PA – In the Pittsburgh Penguins’ locker room, just minutes before his team took the ice for Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Sidney Crosby rose to his feet and delivered what his teammates thought was a heartfelt, impromptu speech urging them to “get me back to Detroit” for Game 7. Crosby’s emotional plea was met with a tumultuous ovation. With tears still streaming down their faces, his Penguins’ teammates charged on to the Mellon Arena ice and delivered their captain a 2-1 victory.

But it turns out that the speech, credited by several Penguins players as “just the spark we needed,” was a fraud.

Crosby lifted it, almost line by line, from former Pittsburgh Steelers great Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, who delivered a similar speech to his teammates before the AFC Championship game in January 2006. Bettis, who had never been to a Super Bowl in his storied career, implored the Steelers to “just get me to Detroit,” his hometown, where Super Bowl XL was to be played.

Crosby implored his teammates to do the same thing for him, but he didn’t bother attributing the words to Bettis. Some Penguins, speaking on condition of anonymity, said they should have realized “something was off” when Crosby described himself as “a poor black kid from Detroit who rose out of the ghetto and became the fifth leading rusher in NFL history.”

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Jun 12

New Law To Make Denial of Holocaust Museum a Crime

museumWASHINGTON – Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania has introduced legislation that would make it a crime to deny the existence of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C. 

Specter said he got the idea after he overheard some visitors to Washington, D.C. say they were not aware of the existence of the Museum until the news of the fatal shooting of a security guard on Museum grounds on Wednesday. 

“After I was finished eavesdropping — rather, overhearing – what those visitors were saying, I said to myself, ’You know, Arlen, it’s a real crime that people don’t know about that museum.’  One thing led to another, and that’s how this bill came about.”

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Jun 12

Sotomayor’s Strong Courtroom Manner Becomes Issue

skank

Jun 11

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