Monthly Archives: June 2009

Scalia, Alito Fined for Excessive Celebrating Following Reversal of Sotomayor Decision

Later, Justices fete Justice Souter in retirement luncheon at Olive Garden WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito were fined $250 for engaging in excessive celebrating following the announcement of the high court’s decision in Ricci v. DeStafano, which reversed Supreme Court nominee

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Posted in Legal News

Oldest Known Portrait of St. Paul Found on Catacomb Walls Resembles Late TV Pitchman Billy Mays

ROME – Vatican archaeologists have discovered the oldest image in existence of St Paul the Apostle, dating from the late 4th century, on the walls of a catacomb beneath Rome.   Vatican newspaper Osservatore Romano, revealing the find on Monday, published

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Posted in Religion

Shocker: After Finding Michael Jackson Lifeless, His Masseuse Called Mary-Kate Olsen

Family converges on Jackson home, Jackson’s son asks “Why are all these black people here?”  Warren Commission reconvened to investigate cause of death. HOLLYWOOD – The Warren Commission was reconvened for the first time since it investigated the death of President John

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Posted in Obituaries

Gruesome Discovery: Removal of Michael Jackson’s Nose Reveals Terrified Blond Boy Trapped Inside Him

HOLLYWOOD – Emergency room physicians at UCLA Medical Center, working feverishly to resuscitate entertainment sensation Michael Jackson Thursday afternoon after he stopped breathing, accidentally snapped off The King of Pop’s nose and were shocked to find a terrified blond, Caucasian male, approximately 7 or 8 years old,

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Posted in Entertainment, Obituaries

Busy Executive: No Time To Rue The Day, Will Rue The Hour Instead

PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, Senior Vice President for PNC Bank, and his next door neighbor Bradleys Roadhouse have reached a consensus following a heated dispute last week during which Roadhouse told Swayne he would “rue the day” that Swayne accidentally cut down Roadhouse’s apple tree.

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Posted in Extras

Local Woman Tapped To Single-Handedly Complete New Arena

PITTSBURGH – Patricia J. Rogers, Exhibits Coordinator at Pittsburgh’s Carnegie Science Center, has been selected to single-handedly finish construction of the Pittsburgh Penguins’ new arena, dubbed the Consol Energy Center.  The construction crew working on the building since 2007 has been dismissed

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Posted in Sports

Obama Elevates Feelings on Violence Against Iran Protestors to “Somewhat Perturbed”

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama said he elevated his feelings Tuesday about the violence that has killed at least 17 Iranian protesters to “somewhat, mildly perturbed.”  This marked a dramatic change in the President’s rhetoric because for the past week, his feelings stood at “ho

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Posted in International News, U.S. News

Local Man: “Chief’s Likeness Burned My Hand!”

PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 33, said that the iconic statue of beloved Pittsburgh Steelers founder Art Rooney, Sr. grabbed and burned his hand with his signature cigar this morning as Swayne was walking past the likeness of the man everyone in Pittsburgh

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Posted in Extras

Study concludes it isn’t what it is

WASHINGTON – Scientists have debunked the cliché that “it is what it is” by proving that most of the the time it isn’t what it is. “The research really shocked us,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, who headed the five year study at

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Posted in Science

North Korea Set to Fire Missile on Hawaiian Set of ABC Series “Lost”

HONOLULU  –  The US military in Hawaii has been placed on “high alert” and has ordered the island’s antimissile defenses beefed-up in response to intelligence reports that North Korea “likely” will fire long-range ballistic missiles toward the set of the ABC hit series “Lost,” which films on

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Posted in International News

Ayatollah Khamenei Retains Katherine “Hanging Chad” Harris To Recount Votes

TEHRAN – As thousands of demonstrators marched and chanted in the streets of Tehran, Iran’s all-powerful Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, announced that a “blue ribbon panel” has concluded there was no fraud in the June 12 presidential vote in which hardliner

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Posted in International News

Hero of Hudson River Landing Chides Deceased Pilot: “Dying During Flight The Worst Thing a Pilot Can Do”

WASHINGTON — Captain Chesley B. Sullenberger, the hero of US Airways’ dramatic Hudson River landing, chided the pilot of Continental Flight 61, who died of an apparent heart attack while flying from Brussels to Newark.  “Dying during flight is the absolute worst

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Posted in Extras

Sotomayor Reveals Membership in All-Women’s Club of Warriors

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor revealed that she is a member of a group of all-female warriors called The Amazons.  The organization, which claims to predate the Trojan War, describes itself as “helping women pursue more significant dreams, ambitions,

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Posted in Legal News

Sen. Ensign Deflects Criticism of Extramarital Affair By Declaring That A-Rod Knocked Up Palin’s Daughter

LAS VEGAS – Sen. John Ensign (R-Nev.) deftly diverted criticism about his extramarital affair with a campaign staffer by issuing a joking statement that Sarah Palin’s daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez during the seventh inning stretch of a Yankees game.  Governor

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Posted in Politics

18,000-Year-Old Pottery Found in Chinese Cave The Only Pan Capable of Enhancing Texture of Aunt Mae’s Lemon Sponge Pie

TEL AVIV – Israeli archaeologist Dr. Rasa Tabula has discovered the world’s oldest known pottery, an 18,000-year-old pie pan, in the Yuchanyan Cave located in the Yangzi River basin.  Dr. Tabula immediately delivered the ancient artifact to her Aunt, Mae Birnbaum, 80, a homemaker in Tel Aviv, so that

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Posted in Science

Penguins See Lord Stanley’s Cup Up Close, Say They’re “Sorry” They Won It

“I don’t think this thing’s ever been washed,” said Penguins’ captain Sidney Crosby

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Posted in Sports

Chicago Newspaper “Mortified” Over Botched Headline

TEHRAN – The Chicago Daily Tribune said it was “mortified” for publishing a banner headline incorrectly declaring former New York Governor Thomas Dewey the winner of Iran’s presidential election over Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.   The venerable Chicago paper apologized to readers in a light-hearted editorial,

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Posted in International News

Stanley Cup Scandal: Crosby Plagiarized Big Motivational Speech Before Game 6

PITTSBURGH, PA – In the Pittsburgh Penguins’ locker room, just minutes before his team took the ice for Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals, Sidney Crosby rose to his feet and delivered what his teammates thought was a heartfelt,

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Posted in Sports

New Law To Make Denial of Holocaust Museum a Crime

WASHINGTON – Senator Arlen Specter of Pennsylvania has introduced legislation that would make it a crime to deny the existence of the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C.  Specter said he got the idea after he overheard some visitors to Washington, D.C. say they were not aware

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Posted in U.S. News

Sotomayor’s Strong Courtroom Manner Becomes Issue

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Posted in Legal News
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