TortureGate Revelation May Cook Pelosi: Speaker Admits She Serves as Technical Advisor for “Saw” Film Series

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May 18

NASA Instructs Shuttle Astronauts to Fix Hubble

hubble“If we need to have a service call, that’s two billion dollars just for the guy to walk in the door,” said NASA director Noah Swayne.

May 18

Filly Rachel Alexandra’s Preakness Win Pays Bettors Only 77 Cents on the Dollar Due to Gender Wage Gap

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May 16

Opie Taylor Drowns in Fishing Hole in Vatican TV’s Edits of “Andy Griffith Show”

opieVATICAN CITY – The Vatican upped the ante in its simmering feud with director Ron Howard over the upcoming release of Angels & Demons, the sequel to Da Vinci Code, which the Vatican has denounced as contrary to church teachings.  The Vatican television station has edited old episodes of the landmark sitcom The Andy Griffith Show to make it appear that Mr. Howard’s character, young Opie Taylor, drowns in the show’s fishing hole featured in the opening credits. 

As actors Andy Griffith and Ron Howard are seen walking toward the fishing hole with Earle Hagen’s iconic theme song whistling in the background, suddenly, a Vatican spokesman cuts in and soberly reads a prepared announcement.

“The Vatican is saddened to announce that Mr. Opie Taylor, the delightful young lad who co-stars in The Andy Griffith Show, died unexpectedly by drowning in the fishing hole.  Since Mr. Opie Taylor is believed to have died a suicide’s death, this prevents him from entering into eternal life, so his soul is now writhing in hell for eternity.  We now return to the broadcast.”

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May 15

Wacky Photo Withholding Mix-Up!

barackhands“There’s seems to be some confusion — I’m OK with releasing the photos of the interrogation of terrorists, regardless of the danger to our troops.  The photos I’m withholding are the ones from the Statue of Liberty photo-op flyover.”

May 15

Congress Passes “Right To Know Which Celebrities Are Gay” Legislation

rip-taylorWASHINGTON – The so-called “Right To Know Which Celebrities Are Gay” bill sailed through both the House and Senate today by unanimous vote.

The bill requires anyone working in the entertainment industry to register their sexual orientation on a national database.

The unprecedented speed of passage was historic, and is likely a reflection of the outrage millions of Americans expressed in the last week when actor David Ogden Stiers announced that he was a homosexual.

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May 15

Last Titanic Survivor Returns Leonardo DiCaprio’s Donation, Asks for “Mattress Mambo” With Jack Dawson Instead

res11SOUTHAMPTON, England - Millvini Dean, 97, the last survivor of the Titanic, the infamous ship that sank on its maiden voyage in 1912, returned a $30,000 donation from Leonardo DiCaprio, the star of the film Titanic, that was intended to help pay her nursing home bills. 

Ms. Dean instead requested sex with Jack Dawson, the fictional character DiCaprio played in the film. 

“I want to get naked for Jack, like that little floozy Rose did in the film,” Ms. Dean said.  “Did you know that Jack is an incredible artist?  I want Jack to use his incredible artistry to draw my supple breasts.”  Ms. Dean then picked up a banana from her lunch tray.  “Then I’ll take caress Jack’s pulsating member in a way that Rose never could.”

Mr. DiCaprio declined to comment.

May 14

Woman’s Story Shocks Listeners: One Thing Led To “The Same Thing” Not “Another”

pattyNEW YORK – Rosacea Swayne’s neighbors say they are “completely dumbfounded” over the story that Ms. Swayne told them this morning while they were standing drinking coffee on both sides of the fence between Ms. Swayne’s yard and Miser Haas’.

According to one witness, Ms. Swayne “told a story where we assumed that one thing led to another, but, in fact, the one thing led to the same thing.”

“Let’s be blunt: her narrative violated every single canon of good storytelling,” said another neighbor, Bettys Roadhouse, who asked not to be identified.  “When the ‘one thing’ didn’t lead to ‘another,’ there was no forward progression.  And by having the ‘one thing’ lead to ‘the same thing,’ well, we all sort of felt cheated by the sheer circularity of the thing.”

This is not the first time that one of Ms. Swayne’s stories has landed her in hot water.  Last year, she alarmed members of the Rotary Club by noting that a point she made was “neither here nor there — but it most assuredly is somewhere.”  Several older Rotarians are still flabbergasted over a story she told in the 1980s that she ended by noting, “I’ll leave it at that, and not even.”

May 14

John Demjanjuk Arrested, World’s Jews Safe At Last

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May 14

Terror Groups Sign on to Terror Reform, Obama Says

obamareformWASHINGTON – President Obama said Monday that he has secured the commitment of several key terrorist groups to do their part to rein in the size and growth of worldwide terror attacks.

This pledge from Al Qaeda, Hamas, and four other major terror organizations could reduce the growth in terror attacks by 1.5 percentage points a year, for a savings of 180 lives over 10 years, according to senior administration officials. Overall, it could amount to as much as a 20 percent reduction in the growth of beheadings, and a 6 percent reduction in suicide bombings.

Obama said the pledge is meant to complement the “sweeping terror reform initiatives” of his own administration.

“When it comes to the War on Terror, we’re on an unsustainable course,” Obama said. “With the unprecedented cooperation of these groups, some of which have been opposed to terror reform in the past, the average American family could see their chances of dying in a terrorist attack reduced by as much three to four thousandths of a percentage point in the fifth year of my plan.”

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May 13

Television Home Improvement Pioneer Leads Repair Mission to Fix Space Shuttle Tiles

bob_vila_0HOUSTON – Within minutes after astronauts on the space shuttle Atlantis spotted a trail of small dings on four heat-resistant tiles of the spacecraft, NASA announced that it was sending Bob Vila, former star of television’s pioneering home improvement show This Old House, into space on a repair mission.

Vila, who will blast off this morning on the space shuttle Discovery, diagnosed the problem with the damaged tiles. 

“One of the most common problems with tile, whether in space or on earth, is that people don’t wait 24 hours to grout,” Vila explained. “That’s exactly what happened here. It’s that simple.”

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May 13

Blagojevich Offers To Find Replacement For Souter

blagCHICAGO – Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced yesterday that he is willing to assist the Obama administration in its search for a nominee to fill the seat of Justice David Souter on the United States Supreme Court.

Justice Souter plans to retire at the end of this term to pursue a career as a Wal-Mart greeter.

“I have plenty of experience vetting prospective candidates for employment in the legislative branch of the Federal government,” said Mr. Blagojevich. “I’m certain I can be equally effective filling a vacant position in the judicial branch.”

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May 13

Pope’s Disastrous Holocaust Speech Ghostwritten By Wanda Sykes

popegame1JERUSALEM – Pope Benedict XVI’s long-awaited Holocaust speech at the Yad Vashem Holocaust Memorial turned out to be “a dud,” said Rabbi Israel Meir Lau, who chairs the Yad Vashem Council. 

The Pontiff tried to end long-simmering tensions between the Vatican and Israel with a series of rapid-fire one-liners about Dick Cheney, Michelle Obama patting the Queen on the butt, and Barack Obama being photographed shirtless.

But the joke that raised the Rabbi’s ire was the Pope’s comment that he thought Rush Limbaugh was “one of the Nazi death camp guards.”

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May 12

Obama Apologizes To, Calls For Dialogue With, Romulans

obama_spock“I intend to take our ’Blame America First’ program where no man has gone before.”

May 11

White House Panics Hiroshima With Enola Gay Photo-Op Flyover

enola-gayTOKYO – Just days after the White House apologized about an Air Force One photo-op flight around the Statue of Liberty that panicked New Yorkers still skittish about 9/11, the White House apologized to the people of Japan for sending the Enola Gay, the B-29 bomber that dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, for a photo-op flyover above the once-devastated city.

Early yesterday morning, on the White House’s instructions, the infamous bomber was secretly removed from display at the National Air and Space Museum’s Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center and recommissioned for deployment.  

Without alerting Hiroshima, an unnamed pilot, filmmaker Michael Moore and Vice President Joe Biden then flew the bomber over the city to film a recreation of the August 6, 1945 bombing that destroyed much of the city for Mr. Moore’s upcoming film Tōjō & Me, a film about Mr. Moore’s fictional efforts to speak with Hideki Tōjō, Japan’s prime minister in World War II.

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May 11

Supreme Court Calls New Star Trek Flick “Totally Bitchin”

startrek_fridayWASHINGTON – The United States Supreme Court issued its long-awaited opinion on the new Star Trekmovie yesterday. The verdict: Totally Bitchin.

The decision was released following a special matinee showing of the blockbuster hit at a downtown multiplex attended by all nine justices.

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice John Roberts called the film “totally bitchin,” and  ”one of the coolest pictures he’s seen in a long time.”

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May 11

“So, You’re Angry That I Didn’t Observe the National Day of Prayer? OK, Then I’ll Observe It – And I Know Just The Man To Lead the Prayer Service. Happy Now?”

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May 8

Old Woman Who Lives In Shoe Facing Foreclosure

shoeNIKETOWN - The Old Woman who lives in a shoe filed emergency motions with a state appellate court yesterday in an effort to forestall foreclosure proceedings on the footwear that has been her primary residence for as long as anyone can remember.

“Like millions of other people, I was a victim of an unscrupulous lender,” said the Old Woman. “And I bought a new shoe that I couldn’t afford.”

The Old Woman has visited numerous credit counseling agencies and government offices looking for assistance to help make her mortgage payments, but so far she’s come up empty.

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May 8

Supreme Court Deadlocks Over Retirement Gift for Justice Souter

souterWASHINGTON –  U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts announced yesterday that the Court is unable to reach a consensus among its members on a suitable retirement gift for Justice David Souter.

Mr. Souter announced last week that he is leaving the Court at the end of this term to open a Brothel and Breakfast in his home state of New Hampshire. 

Since a majority decision could not be reached, the Chief Justice said the Court will rely on precedent.

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May 8

Swine Flu a Bust, MSNBC Execs Huddle To Pick Next Panic

griffinNEW YORK – MSNBC executives held an emergency meeting to decide America’s next major panic after determining that the swine flu outbreak is not nearly as serious as initially expected. 

Phil Griffin, President of the cable news network, apologized profusely to network brass. “I am, of course, extremely disappointed that despite our efforts to foment swine flu hysteria and boost ratings, the disease just didn’t cooperate, and it now looks like there will only be several hundred deaths from it.” 

“Swine flu is my Y2K,” Griffin admitted candidly, a reference to the millenium computer bug that was expected to cause global disrputions at the start of 2000 but didn’t. 

Griffin glumly noted that the network likely won’t resort to hysteria about the economy to substitute for the swine flu. “When we tried that last September to help elect President Obama, it backfired and set off a world-wide recession.” Griffin chuckled: “We really goofed on that one.”

May 7

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