Count Dracula’s Notre Dame Speech Calls For Both Sides to “Stop Demonizing Each Other”

notre-dameSOUTH BEND, Indiana – Count Dracula met his critics head on and defended his centuries-long practices of Satanic rituals, brutal murders and other acts of unfathomable evil in a commencement address at America’s leading Roman Catholic university that implored the graduating class to “stop reducing those whose conduct you oppose to mere caricatures — both sides must stop demonizing each other.” 

The Transylvanian vampire’s appearance at Notre Dame has been marred by controversy since it was announced three months ago, with critics charging that the Count’s lifestyle is repugnant to the teachings of the Catholic Church.  The Count did not provide an explanation for his murderous ways but merely said that “persons of goodwill can, and do, often disagree.”  He called for both sides to work for common ground.  “Let’s work together to reduce the number of necks I bite,” he said to a thunderous ovation. 

The Rev. John Jenkins, Notre Dame’s president, praised Dracula as someone who is not afraid to speak to those who disagree with him.  Jenkens’ comments were dismissed by some who said he had been hypnotized by the famous vampire and deprived of his free will.

Notre Dame agreed to the request of Count Dracula’s advance team to cover up all religious symbols when the Count spoke.  “Count Dracula’s request shouldn’t be considered in any sense a slur against the Catholic Church,” Rev. Jenkins explained. “It’s just that, being undead and all that, religious symbols could  kill him.”

May 18