HOOTERVILLE – Arnold Ziffle, precocious porcine progeny of Fred and Doris Ziffle, denied any responsibility yesterday for the outbreak of swine flu that is sweeping the nation and begged authorities not to slaughter him.
“I am not now, nor have I ever been, a viral-carrying member of the pig family,” said Mr. Ziffle. “I will gladly provide you with the names of over a hundred of my pig relatives who I suspect may bear some responsibility for this pandemic. I ask you to kill them instead.”
Mr. Ziffle made his remarks to a crowd of over thirty townsfolk who had gathered in front of his Hooterville hovel armed with shotguns and pistols with the intent to dispatch him to Hog Heaven.
Although witnesses said it was the most eloquent, impassioned snorting and snuffling they had ever heard, it remains to be seen if the mob will be persuaded.
One man, an attorney identified as Oliver W. Douglas, said Mr. Ziffle’s parents were attempting to raise funds to pay his retainer fee.
“I think I can get Arnold some kind of a deal,” he said. “But Fred and Doris are going to have to cough up the do-re-mi first.”