TV Land Replays Lost “Brady Bunch” Episode Where Jan Falsely Accuses Greg of Rape and Mr. Brady Shoots Him to Death

bradysHOLLYWOOD – TV Land says it will broadcast the last episode of “The Brady Bunch” for the first time since March 8, 1974, the day the show’s original run ended.  The episode, where Jan falsely accuses Greg of rape as a practical joke and Mike Brady overreacts and shoots Greg to death, has been deemed too controversial to show in reruns.

“We wanted to prove to the naysayers that we were capable of doing something with gravitas,” explained creator Sherwood Schwartz.  “We thought, ‘What better way to do this than by destroying one of our lead characters?’”

In the episode, Greg falls asleep on the couch naked and blended family sister Jan, always the practical joker, curls up next to him and removes her top and bra to reveal her breasts.

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May 29

Swiss Guard Deserts Vatican After Learning Pontiff Isn’t Swiss

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May 29

Frito-Lay Taps Into Religious Fanatic Market With Virgin Mary Cheetos

cheetosaNEW YORK – Frito-Lay President Albert Carey said the company will target an untapped market of religious fanatics eager to find faith-based images in the company’s iconic Cheetos snack brand. 

“We will produce a special line of our cheese-flavored cornmeal snack consisting entirely of images of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and other religious figures,” Carey said. 

“Now, the loonies won’t have to invent miraculous images out of strange looking Cheetos; every bag will be filled with them, to match our snack’s miraculous taste.”

May 28

Bush: “I Almost Picked Sotomayor”

bushlaugh2-11DALLAS – Former President George W. Bush revealed that he almost nominated Judge Sonia Sotomayor to replace Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the United States Supreme Court but ruled her out “because I thought I’d better pick a judge who speaks English.”

Sotomayor, whose parents were Puerto Rican, was born and raised in the Bronx.

“I did want a woman to replace O’Connor because, you know, the seat was accustomed to a woman’s butt and all,” Bush explained.

Instead, Bush reverted to his second choice, Judge Samuel Alito.  “I was very concerned about picking an Italian, but I interviewed [Alito] in the Oval Office and found that his English is just beautiful, almost like an American’s, and, surprisingly, there was very little speaking with the hands.”

May 27

Ed McMahon Settles Lawsuit Over Broken Neck

ed-copy-of-edmcmahon2-1HOLLYWOOD – Ed McMahon settled his lawsuit against the parties he blamed for the broken neck he suffered in a fall last year.  At Mr. McMahon’s request, the settlement was paid in an oversized check.

If the case had not settled, Jerry Lewis said he was prepared to divert funds from his muscular dystrophy telethon to Mr. McMahon.

May 27

Wiretap Released: Burris Pleads, Promises to Give Blagojevich a Blowjob for Senate Seat

burrisSPRINGFIELD, Ill. – On a wiretap recording released yesterday, U.S. Sen. Roland Burris pleaded with Robert Blagojevich, who headed the campaign fund for his brother, then-Gov. Rod Blagojevich, to keep Burris in mind for Barack Obama’s vacant senate seat.  

Robert Blagojevich asked Burris if he would be willing “to do something” for his brother in exchange for the seat, and Burris offered to give him oral sex.  “Okay, okay, I will personally do something for the Governor,” Burris was heard to say on the tape. “I will personally give him oral sex.”

The revelation was an explosive twist in Burris’ ever-changing story on how he landed a coveted Senate appointment from the man accused of trying to sell the seat.

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May 27

Sotomayor Silhouette Controversy!

dora-silhouette-finalSupreme Court nominee under fire from conservatives, parents, women’s advocacy groups; Judge defends “suggestive” pose, says it helped make the 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals seem “much more hip and fashionable”


May 27

Nurse From Times Square War Photo Reunites With Navy, Shags 19 Midshipman

ANNAPOLIS – Ninety-year-old retired nurse Edith Swayne was honored at the U.S. Naval Academy yesterday by an assembly of midshipmen after it was announced that she was the woman kissed by a sailor in Alfred Eisnenstaedt’s iconic 1945 photograph of a V-J Day celebration in Times Square.

Mrs. Swayne then invited all of the midshipmen to her hotel room “two at a time” so that “we can reminisce about that iconic 1945 photograph, and I can show you my stern and you show me your bows.”

She revealed that she and Alfred Eisnenstaedt, the photographer who captured the famous kiss in Times Square, ”once had a thing,” but that “I dumped him, right there in Times Square, for that lovely sailor man in the picture. Alfred’s dinghy just couldn’t measure up to that hunk’s nuclear-powered submarine.”

May 26

Guest Commentary: “My Husband Found the Missing Link, So Why Do I Have The Sneaking Suspicion He’s The One Who Lost It In The First Place?”

carolmadGuest Commentary by Rosacea Lugosi-Hurum - When I first heard that my husband, Jorn Hurum, the supposedly brilliant paleontologist, found the “missing link,” the fossil that bridges the evolutionary split between higher and lower primates, I just shook my head and sighed.  “Let me guess why it was missing,” I said.  “Jorn lost it.”

You want to know how I knew?  Because Jorn’s a man, that’s why.  And like most men, he would lose his own meat missile and spunk holders if they weren’t attached to him. 

You think me too harsh?  By way of example only, at this very moment he’s missing his wallet, the key to our house, his wedding ring and my umbrella.  In our house, we don’t need a document destruction service.  If we want to make a document disappear, we just give it to Jorn and no one ever sees it again.

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May 26

Obama Says Gitmo Detainees To Be Transferred to Rep. Murtha’s Basement

murtha_1WASHINGTON – President Obama said that the prison at Guantanamo Bay will be closed despite the Senate’s refusal to provide funding to do it, and that ”money will not be an issue.”  The President announced that Rep. John Murtha of Pennsylvania will house the first wave of relocated Guantanamo detainees in the spacious and well-appointed basement of his Johnstown residence.

Last January, Murtha, an outspoken critic of the Iraq war, said that he would house the detainees in his district.  “Sure, I’d take ‘em.  They’re no more dangerous in my district than in Guantanamo.”

Yesterday, a Murtha aide who asked not to be identified admitted that Murtha was taken aback when he learned the President planned to send the detainees to live with him.

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May 22

Michael Vick’s Problems Go Back To His Childhood

vicka“My dog ate my homework, so I electrocuted him.”

May 22

Heroism of Soldier Who Donned Pink Underwear in Afghanistan Battle Prompts Obama to Soften Military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Policy

copy-of-pinkboxers-1New policy: “It’s OK to be gay, just don’t be too proud of it.”

May 22

Study: 25% of Iraqis Live in Poverty, Other 75% Live in Hoboken, NJ

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May 22

Voice of Mickey Mouse Dies, Replacement to be Picked From Disney’s Castrati Division

mickeyHOLLYWOOD – Wayne Allwine, who provided the falsetto voice of Mickey Mouse for 32 years, has died at 62, the Walt Disney Company said today.  Disney President Bob Iger said a replacement will be chosen from among the eunuchs in the company’s castrati division.

Disney is believed to be one of the last major corporations to maintain a division of castrati, men who were castrated before puberty to  permanently retain their falsetto voices.  The division exists solely to provide a pool of talent for the voice of Mickey Mouse.  

Many of the eunuchs have said they will leave the company if they are not selected.  One castrato, who asked not to be named, said he plans to take a  job as the male “victim” in women’s self-defense classes. “They can pretend to kick me in the [testicles] all day long, and it won’t bother me a bit,” he giggled.

May 21

Obama, Catholic Church Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Abortion

obamanotredame-1Thus far, the statement reads: “The fetus is a human being; no it isn’t.”

May 20

Cheney: I Went Back In Time To Warn Americans About Pearl Harbor

cheneyWASHINGTON – Former Vice-President Dick Cheney said he went back in time to warn Americans about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, but his advice was not followed.

Mr. Cheney revealed details of his time-traveling mission on FOX News Sunday. He told moderator Shepard Smith that his access to a wormhole in the time-space continuum compelled him to try and reverse the course of history and prevent the loss of American lives and property.

“I knew that President Roosevelt’s policies were putting Americans at risk. I thought I could stop the dastardly sneak attack on our Pacific fleet. But no one would listen.”

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May 20

Carbolic Fact Check

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May 19

Maureen Dowd Revises Title of Her Bestseller

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May 19

Biden Leaks Location of VP Bunker

batmanabcWASHINGTON – Vice President Joe Biden leaked the classified location of the secret hideaway his predecessor, Dick Cheney, used in the days following the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks.

Biden told dinner guests at the Gridiron Club dinner that in the Vice President’s study in the Naval Observatory, the official vice presidential residence in Washington, there is a bust of Shakespeare, and when the head is pulled back, a secret button is revealed 

“See, you push that button, and the bookcase on the wall opens up to reveal poles leading down to a subterranean cave.”

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May 19

Count Dracula’s Notre Dame Speech Calls For Both Sides to “Stop Demonizing Each Other”

notre-dameSOUTH BEND, Indiana – Count Dracula met his critics head on and defended his centuries-long practices of Satanic rituals, brutal murders and other acts of unfathomable evil in a commencement address at America’s leading Roman Catholic university that implored the graduating class to “stop reducing those whose conduct you oppose to mere caricatures — both sides must stop demonizing each other.” 

The Transylvanian vampire’s appearance at Notre Dame has been marred by controversy since it was announced three months ago, with critics charging that the Count’s lifestyle is repugnant to the teachings of the Catholic Church.  The Count did not provide an explanation for his murderous ways but merely said that “persons of goodwill can, and do, often disagree.”  He called for both sides to work for common ground.  “Let’s work together to reduce the number of necks I bite,” he said to a thunderous ovation. 

The Rev. John Jenkins, Notre Dame’s president, praised Dracula as someone who is not afraid to speak to those who disagree with him.  Jenkens’ comments were dismissed by some who said he had been hypnotized by the famous vampire and deprived of his free will.

Notre Dame agreed to the request of Count Dracula’s advance team to cover up all religious symbols when the Count spoke.  “Count Dracula’s request shouldn’t be considered in any sense a slur against the Catholic Church,” Rev. Jenkins explained. “It’s just that, being undead and all that, religious symbols could  kill him.”

May 18

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