Earth Day Disaster: Tanker Loaded With Oil, Pesticide, Insecticide, Nuclear Waste Rams Rachel Carson Bridge, Sinks

earth-dayPITTSBURGH – A tanker carrying millions of barrels filled with a highly toxic mixture of petroleum, insecticide, pesticide and radioactive nuclear waste rammed one of the columns of the Rachel Carson Bridge in Pittsburgh’s Allegheny River.

“The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on nearby Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes.

There are reports that the captain of the vessel was traveling at an excessive rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns.

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Apr 22

Perez Hilton: “I Voted Against Benedict XVI in Last Papal Conclave Due To Gay Marriage Answer”

perez-caliHOLLYWOOD – Gay celebrity blogger Perez Hilton revealed that he voted against Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger for Pope during the last Papal conclave  due to Ratzinger’s answer to Hilton’s question about gay marriage. 

Ratzinger’s lengthy response was sprinkled with references to church doctrine and philosophy and concluded that marriage is a sacrament reserved for a man and a woman.  Hilton called the answer “the worst answer in conclave history.”

Ironically, Hilton said, he and Pope Benedict became good friends after that incident.  ”It is the worst kept secret in the Vatican that Benedict frequently ghost blogs for the flamboyant blogger when he is on vacation,” said one Vatican insider who asked not to be named.

“His Holiness loves writing the snarky words and drawing the little pictures next to the celebrity photos,” Hilton explained.  “He has a real gift for it.”

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Apr 21

Scientist: We Know Who Put the Bomp in the Bomp Bah Bomp Bah Bomp

bompBRILLVILLE - It is a mystery that has baffled mankind since the dawn of time, a conundrum that has confounded the world’s leading philosophers, scientists and theologians for thousands of years: Who, or what, put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? And, as a corollary, who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?

According to Dr. Barry Mann, the answer is imminent. “I am pleased to report that after decades of exhaustive study and millions of dollars in foundation grants and government subsidies expended, we are close to a breakthrough.”

For now, speculation abounds that the man who inserted the bomp, rama, bop and dip da dip da dip resides in Turtle Creek, Pennsylvania.

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Apr 21

Obama to Give Up Speaking, Focus on Governing

obamapodium“I thought it was about time,” the President said


Apr 21

Notre Dame Defends Dracula Invitation

count-draculaNOTRE DAME, Indiana – The University of Notre Dame, still reeling from criticisms about inviting President Obama to speak on campus, defended its selection of Count Dracula as this year’s principal commencement speaker.

Critics charge that the Transylvanian vampire’s centuries-long practice of Satanic rituals, brutal murders and other acts of unfathomable evil are contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church.

“Well, I’ll concede that the Count may not be the ideal choice to give a speech about church doctrine,” said Rev. John Jenkins, the University’s President. “But he’s coming to give a commencement speech, and since he’s long been a figure of tremendous international prominence, I’d say the Notre Dame community should count itself lucky.”

Notre Dame has agreed to the request of Count Dracula’s advance team to cover up all religious symbols when the famous vampire comes to speak. “Count Dracula’s request shouldn’t be considered in any sense a slur against the Catholic Church,” Rev. Jenkins explained. “It’s just that, being undead and all that, religious symbols could  kill him.”

Apr 20

Men More Receptive Than Women to Airports’ Full Body Imaging Machines Due To Differences In Genders’ Body Image

full-body-imagingArtist’s rendering of how women and men imagine they look as they pass through a full body imaging machine.

Apr 20

Televised Flogging Brings Huge Ratings For Afghan Television

md_flogging-1KABUL – Ratings for state television’s “Flogging Night in Afghanistan” are through the roof, according to officials of the Nielsen tribe. The Nielsens are a nomadic clan from the Khyber region who gather data to determine what Afghans are watching. “This is the biggest thing to hit Afghan televison since the debut of “My Mullah The Car,” said Nielsen Chief Sahib al Ferrenghi.

“The whole country has flogging fever, and I don’t think it’s going to subside any time soon.”

Last night, for instance, four out of five homes with electricity and a television tuned in to watch a woman of ill repute receive the lash.  In laymans terms, that means a whopping four homes saw “Flogging Night” in its entirety.

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Apr 20

NBC Hires Rex Reed to Replace John Madden

rex-reedNEW YORK – NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol announced yesterday that he has hired New York Observer critic and bon vivant Rex Reed to replace John Madden as color analyst on the network’s Sunday night football telecasts.

“I believe Mr. Reed’s sophistication and urbanity will be the perfect compliment to the rock-solid, all-American homespun appeal of play by play man Al Michaels.” 

Although he was named as Madden’s replacement less than twenty-four hours ago, Ebersol said Reed has already sent him an extensive list of ideas to improve the broadcast.

“Rex feels we need a new color scheme in the booth, so he’s sending his decorator over this morning. He also told me he loathes Al’s haircut, and his comments about Al’s tailor reached new heights in bitchiness. I told him I’m taking all of his suggestions into consideration.”

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Apr 17

Kim Jong-Il: Missile Failure Covered By Extended Warranty

kim-jong-il-smilingPYONGYANG - North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il addressed the nation on state television last night to assure them that costs associated with the recent failed missile launch would be absorbed by the dealer.

“When I purchased that missile, I made certain that I bought the extended warranty,” said Jong-il. ”It was another thirty-four dollars a month, but it was worth it. I don’t know how to fix a missile,” he joked. “Do any of you?”

He then produced a copy of the warranty.

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Apr 17

Teen From House of Montague Sentenced to Ten Years Imprisonment for Statutory Rape of Teen From House of Capulet

romeodm1801_468x672VERONA – Romeo of the House of Montague, 17, was sentenced to ten years  imprisonment for felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile in connection with his marriage to Juliet of the House of Capulet, 13.  The crime entails engaging in non-forcible sexual intercourse with someone under the statutory age of consent.

Upon his release in ten years, Mr. Montague will be required to register as a sex offender for the remainder of his life and will not be permitted to live within 2,500 feet of any school or other place where children live or gather. This effectively will preclude Mr. Montague from residing in Italy.

Friar Laurence, 55, who performed the marriage ceremony, is awaiting trial on charges that he aided and abetted statutory rape.  He could also face up to ten years imprisonment 

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Apr 17

Local Teacher Miss Landers Indicted for Sexually Molesting Theodore “Beaver” Cleaver

abc_leave_beaver_071002_ssvMAYFIELD – Alice Landers, long-time third grade teacher at Spiro Agnew Elementary School, was indicted on charges that she repeatedly molested 16-year-old Theodore “Beaver” Cleaver, a former student of Landers.

The indictment states that Miss Landers engaged in sexual relations with Cleaver on a regular basis over the course of six years, plying him with alcohol and drugs during their illicit trysts.

Miss Landers’ attorney, Joseph  N. Welch, said that Cleaver’s claims are false, and that it was Cleaver who raped Miss Landers on a systematic basis. “Young Master Cleaver has proven time and time again – in fact, on a weekly basis — that he has no compunction about lying to authority figures in order to extricate himself from the consequences of his own wrongdoing.  Only later does he recant his fabrication in a sentimental denouement that gives every appearance of character growth. Yet the following week, young Theodore reverts back to lying to save his ass, as if the previous episode never occurred.”

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Apr 16

Shakespeare Bust in Oval Office Opens Secret Passage

batpoles1WASHINGTON – White House spokesman Robert Gibbs told reporters yesterday that President Obama accidentally discovered a secret passage behind a bookcase while fondling a bust of William Shakespeare in the Oval Office.

The bust was a gift from millionaire playboy and man-about-town Bruce Wayne to then-President Lyndon Johnson in 1966.

According to Gibbs, Mr. Obama was meeting with his economic recovery team when he casually pulled the bronze likeness of the Bard’s head.

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Apr 16

Local Man “Conflicted” About Masturbating to Poster of Dying Farrah Fawcett

photo-three-scientist

Apr 16

Michael Jackson’s Original Nose Expected to Bring Millions at Auction

michael_jacksonNEVERLAND – Singing sensation Michael Jackson will auction off many of his most prized possessions next week, including  one item that is expected to fetch millions: his original nose.

“It’s true,” said Auction Curator Joseph Dunn. “It does exist. And whoever is lucky enough to buy it will receive a certificate of authenticity signed and notarized verifying that it is, indeed, the first of a world record nineteen noses owned and worn by the self-proclaimed King of Pop.”

Dunn said the nose, which hasn’t been seen by the general public in nearly thirty years, retains all of the charm it possessed when it was removed from Jackson’s face in 1979.

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Apr 15

Obama Daughters Renounce New Murderous Pet Dog Cujo

CHICAGO – The Obama administration has learned that the Portuguese Water Terrier given to the Obamas by Senator Edward Kennedy has a dark and sinister history. 

The dog, named “Bo” by the Obama daughters, Malia Ann and Natasha, was formerly known as “Cujo” when he was owned by Senator Kennedy. 

Cujo has been linked to several murders and acts of mayhem, and his misdeeds were so heinous that horror writer Stephen King even chronicled them in a popular novel. 

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Apr 15

Time Machine Inventor Returns to Titanic to Save Men and Children First

attachment_three_titanicTo commemorate the anniversary of the April 15, 1912 sinking of Titanic, time-machine inventor Dr. Charles Blatchford has issued a call to feminist scholars and Women’s Studies professors to return to the ship’s deck on that fateful night and help him reverse the blatant sexism that saved “women and children first.”

“Every lifeboat should be comprised of half men and half women,” Dr. Blatchford said. “We need to get some of those women out of the lifeboats so they can die a terrifying and horrible death in the icy Atlantic.  What do you say, ladies? You know, Title IX and all that.”

Thus far, no one has accepted the offer.

Apr 15

Latest Biden Gaffe: VP “Overdressed” for White House Passover Seder

obamabunny

Apr 14

OxiClean Seeks Lincoln’s Pillowcase for Testing

dsc02307-800PHILADELPHIA – One hundred and forty-four years ago, Abraham Lincoln’s night at the theatre was interrupted when John Wilkes Booth slipped into the president’s private box at Ford’s Theater and shot him.  Lincoln died the next morning, and the bloody pillowcase from his deathbed is being sought for product testing by OxiClean to solve a mystery.

Can the “miracle cleanser” remove a stain from 1865?

“Dried blood and brain matter from the mid-19th century would be the ultimate test for our product,” explained Noah Swayne, President of Church & Dwight, maker of OxiClean.

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Apr 14

Angel Cabrera Is Mistaken For Realtor, Sells House, After Winning Green Jacket at Masters

angel-cabreraGolfer snags sale of four bedroom colonial

AUGUSTA - Angel Cabrera was still wearing the green jacket he won with his first Masters victory when he stopped his rental car en route to the Atlanta Airport to retrieve something from the trunk.  An attractive young lady came running to the side of the car, out of breath.

“There you are,” she barked. “I’d recognize that Prudential-Beazley jacket anywhere.”

Cabrera glanced to his left and saw a newly constructed two-story colonial adorning a Prudential-Beazley “For Sale” sign.

The woman’s husband caught up with her. “What do the heating bills run?”

Cabrera led the young couple into the house.

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Apr 13

Pope Scraps Annual “Urbi Et Orbi” Blessing to the World in Favor of Cadbury Creme Eggs

cadbury-2aVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI scrapped the Pontiff’s traditional Easter blessing to the world, the Urbi et Orbi address, and instead told Vatican personnel to pass out tens of thousands of Cadbury Creme Eggs to pilgrims at Saint Peters Square.

Popes typically use their Easter message as an occasion to address the world’s ills, often urging warring nations to bring an end to bloodshed. This year, the Pope appeared on his balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square but bore a defeated look.  He studied his prepared text in silence for several seconds, then he looked up and stared straight ahead for close to a minute, prompting many in the crowd to assume he was ill.  The Pope proceeded to tear up the speech and scatter the pieces onto the crowd.  Then he turned to his right and spoke to someone out of view. “Jerry, bring out the [Cadbury] Creme Eggs. I’m done here.”  The Pontiff brusquely waved to the crowd and disappeared.

Minutes later, a caravan of trucks rolled into the Saint Peters Square and distributed four-packs of the popular Cadbury chocolate to the estimated 80,000 pilgrims.

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Apr 13

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