MAYFIELD – Alice Landers, long-time third grade teacher at Spiro Agnew Elementary School, was indicted on charges that she repeatedly molested 16-year-old Theodore “Beaver” Cleaver, a former student of Landers.
The indictment states that Miss Landers engaged in sexual relations with Cleaver on a regular basis over the course of six years, plying him with alcohol and drugs during their illicit trysts.
Miss Landers’ attorney, Joseph N. Welch, said that Cleaver’s claims are false, and that it was Cleaver who raped Miss Landers on a systematic basis. “Young Master Cleaver has proven time and time again – in fact, on a weekly basis — that he has no compunction about lying to authority figures in order to extricate himself from the consequences of his own wrongdoing. Only later does he recant his fabrication in a sentimental denouement that gives every appearance of character growth. Yet the following week, young Theodore reverts back to lying to save his ass, as if the previous episode never occurred.”
Police officer Ken Osmond said that Miss Landers is also under investigation in connection with claims that she staged an orgy with older teens, including Theodore’s brother Wally and Wally’s classmates Eddy Haskell and Clarence “Lumpy” Rutherford.
Wally Cleaver, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted his participation in the orgy. ”Sure, I messed around with Miss Landers, but gee, all the guys [had sexual intercourse with] her.” He noted that he would not cooperate in the police investigation because he did not want to be a “rat” or a “creep.” He added: “Besides, if I told my parents, my dad would clobber me.”
Theodore and Wally’s father, Ward Cleaver, a white collar worker of an unspecified profession, said that his sons will be punished for engaging in sexual relations with Miss Landers. ”These boys need to learn that their actions have consequences. I think a month without Internet porn privileges will do them good, as will pulling weeds every Saturday afternoon instead of enjoying their illegal narcotics with that Eddy Haskell.”
The boys’ mother, June Cleaver, a homemaker, told Mr. Cleaver, “Ward, I just don’t know what these boys are up to nowadays.” Mr. Cleaver responded: “Now, June, it’s only natural that a boy wants to [have sexual intercourse with] a cougar. If I had a dime for all the times I boinked my high school teacher, Mrs. Campbell, I’d be a rich man. And then there was Mrs. Taylor. And Mrs. Blank. The boys just need to get it out of their systems, that’s all. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
