Former Busty Blond Bombshell Susan Boyle Was A Nobody Until Plastic Surgery Jumpstarted Her Singing Career

susan-boyleLONDON – Up until three months ago, Susan Boyle was a stunning British pin-up model and sex symbol who once slapped Bob Guccione in the face when he offered her $100,000 to be photographed urinating in the nude for Penthouse Magazine — because it wasn’t enough money.

To the outside world, Boyle seemed to have it all: sex appeal, money and popularity. 

Except no one took her singing seriously, and that’s the only thing she really wanted.

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Apr 30

“Strangers in the Night, Exchanging Glances . . . .”

Iraq Clinton

Apr 30

Pope Switching Religious Affiliation

vaticancityVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI told a stunned crowd yesterday that he has decided to switch his religious affiliation and will consider all offers from competing faiths before settling on a new spiritual belief system.

The Pope made the announcement during his commencement address before this year’s graduating class from the College of Cardinals.

“I have been a proud Catholic my entire life, and while I have been comfortable being a Catholic, my faith has not defined who I am. I believe it is time for a change. I’d like to see Mecca before I die. I’d like to participate in a ritual sacrifice for Kali. There are so many religions out there I’ve yet to experience. I urge all of you to do the same.”

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Apr 30

Specter to Convert to Democratic Party, Christianity

specter 03092009 cdb 23309“That should make things just about even,” said the Pennsylvania Senator, who plans to retain his office but reverse his circumcision

Apr 29

Antarctic Ice Shelf Breaks Off, HGTV Carpenters Dispatched to Fix It

ANTARCTIC PENINSULA - A major Antarctic ice shelf the size of New York City broke off last month after the collapse of an ice bridge, scientists say.

“Throughout all recorded history, the disintegration of this ice proceeded at a glacial pace,” explained Dr. Samuel Blatchford, Dean of Glacial Science at the University of Antarctica. ”But the rapidity with which the ice is now melting can only be attributed to global warming.”

United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said the situation is so dire that he hasl dispatched carpenters from the HGTV series “Designed to Sell” to fix the broken shelf.  ”They are not only expert craftsmen, but some of them are real hunks, if you know what I mean,” winked Ki-moon. 

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Apr 29

Twine Flu Claims its First Victim

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Apr 29

High Seas Outrage: Pirates Seize Good Ship Lollipop

shirleytemple-1GULF OF ADEN – Somali pirates seized The Good Ship Lollipop yesterday along the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay and are holding the adorable, curly-haired juvenile female captain hostage, according to the latest news release from Somali Pirate Today!

A recent addition to the publishing industry, Somali Pirate Today!  is a trade journal for Pirates that provides daily updates on happenings in the Pirate community.

It is believed the Pirates were able to board the vessel using the element of surprise while the Captain and her crew were watching bon bons play.

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Apr 29

When Lucid, Jamie Foxx Regrets the Lobotomy He Underwent to Play Nathaniel Anthony Ayers in “The Soloist”

jamie_foxx_soloistHOLLYWOOD – In one of the rare instances when actor Jamie Foxx, star of “The Soloist,” temporarily regains lucidity, he concedes that the lobotomy he underwent to simulate the schizophrenia of the character he portrayed in the film, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, “probably was a mistake.”

The procedure left Foxx delusional and causes him to experience frequent fits of unintelligible babbling. 

Many film actors have gone to great lengths to become the character they are portraying, whether it be putting on excessive weight, as Robert DeNiro did to play Al Capone in “The Untouchables,” or taking off excessive weight, as Christian Bale did to star in “The Machinist.”  But until Foxx, none has ever had the connections to and from his prefrontal cortex cut for his craft.

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Apr 28

Bombshell: Justice Department “Torture Memos” Reveal Waterboarding Effective in Treating Swine Flu

waterboardingObama Administration “doesn’t know what the hell to do” with this news

Apr 28

Religious Woman: Where Have All the Shirtless Young Men Gone?

swayneCommentary by Rosacea M. Swayne – As a deeply religious woman, I detest all the sex, sex, sex on television nowadays. You can’t turn on the “boob tube” without being inundated with sweaty naked bodies of the mixed gender variety writhing in sinful, premarital carnal passion for the prurient pleasure of Americans who insist on being chronically aroused.  The medium has become a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity.  The purveyors of these shameful exhibitions, and the viewers luxuriating in them, are all going straight to hell, each and every one, and you heard it here first.

I grew up in a time when morality held sway, thank you very much. Back then, on a hot day like yesterday, a girl wouldn’t need to watch these dirty things on television in order to be exposed — IN A HEALTHY, RELIGIOUS WAY — to members of the opposite sex. All she had to do was go outside and there they were in all their shirtless wonder.

I can still picture it: lithe, muscular boys in their late teens frolicking in the majesty of their budding manhood; perspiration highlighting their well-toned pecs; their sweat-soaked shorts accenting tight, beautiful asses and vibrant genitalia. We didn’t need HBO AND ITS UTTER FILTH; we were exposed to sexuality in RELIGIOUS, MORAL, HEALTHY WAYS because our imaginations supplied all we needed to know about what each of these boys looked like completely naked — from the size and shape of their penises down to the dimples in their asses.

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Apr 28

Democrats in Congress Call for Investigation of Cheney’s Role in Swine Flu Epidemic

cheneylookWASHINGTON – As more swine flu cases cropped up around the world overnight, Democratic leaders in Congress called for a bi-partisan commission to investigate former Vice President Cheney’s role in the epidemic. 

Senator Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, explained: “We don’t have any evidence just yet of a connection between Cheney and the epidemic, but doesn’t this sound like the sort of thing that little weasel would be involved in?”

President Obama addressed the nation about the sudden epidemic.  “As with every other bad thing that has happened — and, look, that includes every other bad thing that will happen at any time during my administration – we inherited this problem from my predecessor.” 

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Apr 27

Rhett Butler Urges Against Texas Secession

rhett-butlerAUSTIN – Rhett Butler, a mysterious visitor from Charleston who had been expelled from West Point, urged Texas Governor Rick Perry not to secede from the Union in a heated discussion at a barbecue at Twelve Oaks Plantation.

Governor Perry suggested Texas might secede from the Union “if Washington continues to thumb their nose at the American people.”  The Governor asked Mr. Butler if he agreed with him about secession. 

“I think it’s hard winning a war with words, gentlemen,” Mr. Butler responded.

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Apr 27

Parkland Memorial Hospital Refuses to Discuss Identities of Patients In Wake of President Kennedy Sightings

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DALLAS – Parkland Memorial Hospital has issued a statement refusing to reveal the identities of its patients following a rash of sightings of President John F. Kennedy on the premises.   President Kennedy is widely believed to have died at the hospital on November 22, 1963.

Some witnesses claim that President Kennedy’s image was captured in a photograph showing him peering out a window in the hospital’s lobby, shown here.  Others say they have seen him in the cafeteria area late at night.

“He’s tan, he’s fit, he looks great,” said Max von Meyerling, a hospital visitor who claims to have spoken with Kennedy.  “I was at the vending machines when he came over and spoke to me in that unmistakable voice.  He asked me if Nixon was planning to run again.  ’I don’t trust that bastard,’ he said.” 

“While we were speaking, he kept looking over his shoulder, like he was afraid someone might be looking for him. I asked him who he was looking for, and he said, ’I heard they wheeled Lee Harvey Oswald in here a couple of days after I was shot, and I don’t want to give him another chance at me.”

Apr 27

Study: Men Not Interested in NFL Draft More Likely to be Homosexuals

cover31NEW HAVEN – A study released by the New England Journal of Sports and Sexual Orientation yesterday finds that men who say they are “uninterested” in this weekend’s NFL Draft are more likely to be homosexuals.

The NFL draft is a yearly event televised by ESPN that allows viewers the opportunity to watch all thirty-two NFL franchises pick up teams. 

The study was conducted over a three day period by two groups of scientists equipped with the latest Gaydar technology and The Sporting News NFL Draft preview.

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Apr 24

Geithner: Administration Is Up To Task of Handling Financial Crisis

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Apr 24

Carbolic Countdown: Legal Edition

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Apr 24

Music World Scandal: Homely Singing Phenom Susan Boyle Lip-Syncs to Voice of “Little Ugly Girl” From Beijing Olympics

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Apr 23

Craigslist Plans to Remove “Med Student Looking to Rob, Kill” Category From Web Site

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Apr 23

Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son

abraham_illustration_isaacMOUNT WASHINGTON –  Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington.

The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from the land of Canaan at the request of  an omniscient, omnipresent entity known as Yahweh.

 ”We’re trying to track down this Yahweh character, because we’d like to ask him a few questions,” said Detective Doug Wagner.

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Apr 23

Former Bush Administration Officials Savor Guinness World Record For “Most Times Waterboarding an Individual”

haydenWASHINGTON – Former Bush Administration CIA director Michael Hayden ”was ecstatic” over the news that he has won a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for “most times waterboarding an individual.”

The award was announced today in recognition of  the CIA’s 183 separate instances of waterboarding self-confessed September 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on Hayden’s watch. 

“This is a bittersweet moment for Michael Hayden,” Hayden said, choking back tears. “It just goes to show you that hard work and perseverence are still rewarded in the United States of America, or wherever the hell the Guinness Book of World Records is published.” 

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Apr 22

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