LONDON – Up until three months ago, Susan Boyle was a stunning British pin-up model and sex symbol who once slapped Bob Guccione in the face when he offered her $100,000 to be photographed urinating in the nude for Penthouse Magazine —…
Monthly Archives: April 2009
Pope Switching Religious Affiliation
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI told a stunned crowd yesterday that he has decided to switch his religious affiliation and will consider all offers from competing faiths before settling on a new spiritual belief system. The Pope made the…
Specter to Convert to Democratic Party, Christianity
“That should make things just about even,” said the Pennsylvania Senator, who plans to retain his office but reverse his circumcision
Antarctic Ice Shelf Breaks Off, HGTV Carpenters Dispatched to Fix It
ANTARCTIC PENINSULA - A major Antarctic ice shelf the size of New York City broke off last month after the collapse of an ice bridge, scientists say. “Throughout all recorded history, the disintegration of this ice proceeded at a glacial pace,” explained Dr.…
Tagged with: Al Gore, Antarctic, Antarctica, Ban Ki-moon, HGTV, ice, Rankin/Bass, Secretary General, Snow Miser
Posted in International News, Science
Posted in International News, Science
High Seas Outrage: Pirates Seize Good Ship Lollipop
GULF OF ADEN – Somali pirates seized The Good Ship Lollipop yesterday along the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay and are holding the adorable, curly-haired juvenile female captain hostage, according to the latest news release from Somali Pirate Today! A…
When Lucid, Jamie Foxx Regrets the Lobotomy He Underwent to Play Nathaniel Anthony Ayers in “The Soloist”
HOLLYWOOD – In one of the rare instances when actor Jamie Foxx, star of “The Soloist,” temporarily regains lucidity, he concedes that the lobotomy he underwent to simulate the schizophrenia of the character he portrayed in the film, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers,…
Tagged with: Jamie Foxx, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, Robert Downey, The Soloist
Posted in Entertainment, Health
Posted in Entertainment, Health
Bombshell: Justice Department “Torture Memos” Reveal Waterboarding Effective in Treating Swine Flu
Obama Administration “doesn’t know what the hell to do” with this news
Rhett Butler Urges Against Texas Secession
AUSTIN – Rhett Butler, a mysterious visitor from Charleston who had been expelled from West Point, urged Texas Governor Rick Perry not to secede from the Union in a heated discussion at a barbecue at Twelve Oaks Plantation. Governor Perry suggested Texas…
Parkland Memorial Hospital Refuses to Discuss Identities of Patients In Wake of President Kennedy Sightings
DALLAS – Parkland Memorial Hospital has issued a statement refusing to reveal the identities of its patients following a rash of sightings of President John F. Kennedy on the premises. President Kennedy is widely believed to have died at the hospital…
Study: Men Not Interested in NFL Draft More Likely to be Homosexuals
NEW HAVEN – A study released by the New England Journal of Sports and Sexual Orientation yesterday finds that men who say they are “uninterested” in this weekend’s NFL Draft are more likely to be homosexuals. The NFL draft is…
Music World Scandal: Homely Singing Phenom Susan Boyle Lip-Syncs to Voice of “Little Ugly Girl” From Beijing Olympics
Tagged with: Lip-Sync, Little Ugly Girl, Susan Boyle
Posted in Entertainment, International News, Pop Culture
Posted in Entertainment, International News, Pop Culture
Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son
MOUNT WASHINGTON – Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington. The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from…
Former Bush Administration Officials Savor Guinness World Record For “Most Times Waterboarding an Individual”
WASHINGTON – Former Bush Administration CIA director Michael Hayden ”was ecstatic” over the news that he has won a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for “most times waterboarding an individual.” The award was announced today in recognition of the CIA’s…
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
