Monthly Archives: April 2009

Former Busty Blond Bombshell Susan Boyle Was A Nobody Until Plastic Surgery Jumpstarted Her Singing Career

LONDON – Up until three months ago, Susan Boyle was a stunning British pin-up model and sex symbol who once slapped Bob Guccione in the face when he offered her $100,000 to be photographed urinating in the nude for Penthouse Magazine —

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Posted in Entertainment

“Strangers in the Night, Exchanging Glances . . . .”

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Posted in Entertainment

Pope Switching Religious Affiliation

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI told a stunned crowd yesterday that he has decided to switch his religious affiliation and will consider all offers from competing faiths before settling on a new spiritual belief system. The Pope made the

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Posted in Religion

Specter to Convert to Democratic Party, Christianity

“That should make things just about even,” said the Pennsylvania Senator, who plans to retain his office but reverse his circumcision

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Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Antarctic Ice Shelf Breaks Off, HGTV Carpenters Dispatched to Fix It

ANTARCTIC PENINSULA - A major Antarctic ice shelf the size of New York City broke off last month after the collapse of an ice bridge, scientists say. “Throughout all recorded history, the disintegration of this ice proceeded at a glacial pace,” explained Dr.

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Posted in International News, Science

Twine Flu Claims its First Victim

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Posted in Health, International News, U.S. News

High Seas Outrage: Pirates Seize Good Ship Lollipop

GULF OF ADEN – Somali pirates seized The Good Ship Lollipop yesterday along the sunny beach of Peppermint Bay and are holding the adorable, curly-haired juvenile female captain hostage, according to the latest news release from Somali Pirate Today! A

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Posted in Crime, International News

When Lucid, Jamie Foxx Regrets the Lobotomy He Underwent to Play Nathaniel Anthony Ayers in “The Soloist”

HOLLYWOOD – In one of the rare instances when actor Jamie Foxx, star of “The Soloist,” temporarily regains lucidity, he concedes that the lobotomy he underwent to simulate the schizophrenia of the character he portrayed in the film, Nathaniel Anthony Ayers,

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Posted in Entertainment, Health

Bombshell: Justice Department “Torture Memos” Reveal Waterboarding Effective in Treating Swine Flu

Obama Administration “doesn’t know what the hell to do” with this news

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Posted in Health

Democrats in Congress Call for Investigation of Cheney’s Role in Swine Flu Epidemic

WASHINGTON – As more swine flu cases cropped up around the world overnight, Democratic leaders in Congress called for a bi-partisan commission to investigate former Vice President Cheney’s role in the epidemic.  Senator Patrick Leahy, D-Vt., chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee,

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Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Rhett Butler Urges Against Texas Secession

AUSTIN – Rhett Butler, a mysterious visitor from Charleston who had been expelled from West Point, urged Texas Governor Rick Perry not to secede from the Union in a heated discussion at a barbecue at Twelve Oaks Plantation. Governor Perry suggested Texas

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Posted in U.S. News

Parkland Memorial Hospital Refuses to Discuss Identities of Patients In Wake of President Kennedy Sightings

DALLAS – Parkland Memorial Hospital has issued a statement refusing to reveal the identities of its patients following a rash of sightings of President John F. Kennedy on the premises.   President Kennedy is widely believed to have died at the hospital

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Posted in Extras

Study: Men Not Interested in NFL Draft More Likely to be Homosexuals

NEW HAVEN – A study released by the New England Journal of Sports and Sexual Orientation yesterday finds that men who say they are “uninterested” in this weekend’s NFL Draft are more likely to be homosexuals. The NFL draft is

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Posted in Sports

Geithner: Administration Is Up To Task of Handling Financial Crisis

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Carbolic Countdown: Legal Edition

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Posted in Countdowns, Legal News

Music World Scandal: Homely Singing Phenom Susan Boyle Lip-Syncs to Voice of “Little Ugly Girl” From Beijing Olympics

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Posted in Entertainment, International News, Pop Culture

Craigslist Plans to Remove “Med Student Looking to Rob, Kill” Category From Web Site

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Posted in Crime, Tech

Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son

MOUNT WASHINGTON –  Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington. The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from

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Posted in Crime, Local News, Religion

Former Bush Administration Officials Savor Guinness World Record For “Most Times Waterboarding an Individual”

WASHINGTON – Former Bush Administration CIA director Michael Hayden “was ecstatic” over the news that he has won a place in the Guinness Book of World Records for “most times waterboarding an individual.” The award was announced today in recognition of  the CIA’s

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Posted in International News, U.S. News

Hugo Chavez Describes His First Meeting With Obama: “He Bowed This Low To Me!”

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Posted in Extras, International News
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The Carbolic Book Award

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