National Enquirer Publishes 40th Edition Announcing “The End” for Patrick Swayze

national-enquirer

Mar 23

Local Man Livid That The Vernal Equinox Isn’t What It Used To Be

may-22-2006-073-1a2PITTSBURGH – Popular outdoorsman, adventurer and bon vivant Noah Swayne is livid that temperatures on the first day of spring are only in the 40s. Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his “extreme and palpable” displeasure with a goal of obtaining 400,000 signatures.

“I think it’s important for someone to take a stand on this,” he said.

Swayne explained:  “I grab every young person I come across and tell them, ‘You should have seen the vernal equinox in the old days!’” Swayne’s eyes teared up. “Back then, springtime came roaring in like thunder and hit us like a wave of balmy bliss.”

Swayne said it is his wish that high temperatures in early spring be in the low ’60′s.

Mar 20

Advocacy Group Says “March Madness” Offensive to Lunatics

strait20jacket_0aaNEW HOKUM – The Association of American Lunatics filed a formal request with the NCAA yesterday asking the governing body of collegiate athletics to stop using the term “March Madness” to advertise its men’s basketball tournament.

The petition, which exceeds three hundred thousand words, was written in pencil on toilet tissue. 

“The use of a loaded word such as ‘madness’ can only serve to stigmatize those among us who are truly mad, leading to an increase in alienation with a concomitant loss of self-esteem,” said Association President Theodore ‘Ted” Kaczynski.

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Mar 20

Terrorists Now Called “Persons With Behavioral Issues”

photo-two-terroristThe Obama administration is dropping the term “enemy combatant” for suspected terrorists and replacing it with “persons with behavioral issues in need of a time-out.”

Under the new policy, suspected terrorists won’t be sent to detention facilities but will be pumped full of Ritalin. The administration will also recommend more recesses to burn off rambunctiousness.

Mar 20

Undefeated M.I.T. Robotics Team Snubbed Yet Again by NCAA Selection Committee

mitsnubSenior Co-Captains Keith Scollick and Seth Rosenbaum lament, “We never get any respect. Or any women.”

Mar 20

Company to Replace All Male Employees With Females to Reap Gender Wage Gap Savings

no-men-1PITTSBURGH  – Friday marks the last day of employment for Gulf Oil Company’s  13,000 male employees.  CEO Rosacea Lugosi-Swayne announced two months ago that all of the company’s male employees have received pink slips and will be replaced by females in a move to save the company 23% on labor costs.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there is a 23% median income disparity between males and females in the United States.

“Gulf Oil can no longer afford to subsidize one class of workers with premium pay due solely to their gender,” Ms. Lugosi-Swayne said at the time she axed the men.

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Mar 20

New GOP Documentary Hailed By Critics, Audiences Alike

fj2

Mar 20

Barney Frank: “We Want AIG to Name Names — Especially if They’re Good-Looking Guys”

barney

Mar 19

Sonny Cured! Doctors Say Ritalin Breaks Bird of Cuckoo Craving for Cocoa Puffs

sonny_cocoapuffs1NEW BEDLAM - In a stunning medical breakthrough sure to send shock waves  through the world of advertising and ornithology, doctors announced yesterday that Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs Bird, has been cured of his cereal-induced hysteria.

The solution? None other than Ritalin, the magic drug used to treat hyperactive children around the world.

“It appears Sonny suffers from what experts call ADD. And the sight of that delicious sugary chocolate breakfast food triggers something in his bird brain that causes him to react in a spastic, violent, seizure. But now that we’ve given him the Ritalin, those days are over.” So said Hyperactive Children and Fowl Specialist Dr. Andre von Erdna.

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Mar 19

Nancy Pelosi’s Ear Suddenly Breaks Out Into 8,570 Ear Marks

ear-marks

Mar 18

Pope Having Hard Time Getting Blue-Book Value for Popemobile

popemobileVATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI is quickly finding out that even the Vicar of Christ on Earth is not immune to the effects of the global economic slowdown.

“I’m looking to trade in my Popemobile and not one of these local dealers will give me bluebook value,” said the frustrated Pontiff. “Do you know what one of them said to me? He said you want bluebook value? Then sell it to bluebook!”

The Holy Father said he has spent the past several weeks researching his new Popemobile purchase on the internet.

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Mar 18

Co-Creator of Mr. Magoo is Dead at 92

mrmagooMillard Kaufman’s car flipped over an embankment after he encountered a series of improbable sticky situations brought on by his latent myopia, which he stubbornly refused to acknowledge.

Mar 18

New Ambassador to Ireland Dan Rooney Vows to Bring Proven Business Acumen to Job: Will Insist Ireland Build the U.S. a New Football Stadium

dan-rooneyWASHINGTON -  Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney will be named U.S. ambassador to Ireland, a White House official announced. 

Mr. Rooney said he will “hit the ground running” and bring to the job ”everything I’ve learned in my 34 years of running the Pittsburgh Steelers.”

Pressed for specifics, Mr. Rooney could only say he would insist that Ireland use taxpayer monies to build the U.S. a new football stadium “even though it’s completely unnecessary,” and if they don’t ”I’ll threaten to move the embassy to Spain or some such place.” 

Mr. Rooney added:  “That’s about the extent of my business acumen, but I know how to do that very well, believe me.”

Mar 17

Global Outbreak of Hoof-and-Mouth Disease Traced to Blarney Stone

blarney_stoneCORK - Scientists at the Center for Global Virus Research have traced the world-wide explosion of hoof and mouth disease to the Blarney Stone. The news comes in the middle of a profitable tourist season, and threatens to cost Ireland millions of dollars in lost revenue.

“Sure it’s a bad break, yeh,” said Minister of Blarney Michael “Big Mike” McGee. “I s’pose we’ll have ta shake folks down some other way.”

Mr. McGee said a crack team of Irish ethnologists, businessmen and writers were hard at work concocting a suitable replacement-myth they hope to make public in time to separate gullible pilgrims from their money.

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Mar 17

Republican Party Apologizes for Offensive St. Patrick’s Day Float

lucky20charms21BOSTON - Chairwoman of the Republican Party of Massachusetts Jennifer Nassour apologized for what she called an “insensitive and inappropriate” float submitted by the GOP for Boston’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade.

“Placing your slate of candidates in the back of a convertible with a sign that says ‘Best wishes from the Republican Party and your Lord and Protector Oliver Cromwell’ isn’t the way to win votes,” said Nassour.

“This is even worse than last year,” she said. In 2008, the GOP float was entitled, “A Salute to the Potato Famine.”

Mar 17

Yankee Goes Berserk, Kills Seven; Neighbors Remember Him as “The Quiet Man”

quiet3CONG, Ireland - Sean Thornton, an expatriate American looking to escape his past in this bucolic Irish village, exploded in a murderous rage yesterday that left seven people dead.

Among the victims were his brother-in-law, town bully Squire “Red” Will Danaher.

“There have been complications between Mr. Thornton and Mr. Danaher for some time, arisin’ out o’the dowry Mr. Thornton was promised for marryin’ Mr. Danaher’s sister,” said local busybody Michaleen Flynn. ”Mr. Danaher kept pushin’ and pushin’, and I guess that’s why Mr. Thornton caught him from behind with that machete.”

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Mar 17

Doctor: Cocoa Puffs Bird Not Responding to Electroshock Therapy

sonny_cocoapuffsNEW BEDLAM – Dr. Sigmund Rickles announced yesterday that Sonny, better known as “the Cocoa Puffs Bird,” is no longer responding to treatments prescribed by a battery of psychiatrists, and will most likely spend the rest of his life in a padded cell at the local asylum.

Sonny has battled cereal-induced hysteria his entire life. He went public with his illness in his tell-all memoir “I’m Cuck-oo, How About You?” published in 1978. The book is now in its fourth printing.  

He was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital over twenty years ago by the Board of Directors of General Mills Incorporated.

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Mar 16

Local Man an Hour Late for Everything Last Week, Tardiness Attributed to Blip in Space-Time Continuum

photo-one-noah-swaynePITTSBURGH – Physicists say they can’t explain why Noah Swayne was an hour late for everything last week.

Mr. Swayne was late getting to work, to church, and to the dentist. He missed every one of his favorite television programs.

“The only possible explanation is that there was a blip in the space-time continuum,” explained Dr. Bob Haas of the Buhl Planetarium. Dr. Haas confided that he, too, noticed “something was wrong with the time.”

Dr. Haas explained: “The scientific literature suggests this phenomenon often rights itself by giving the affected individual his hour back, usually by early November.”

Mar 16

“Nobody Knows Hand Pain Like Luca!”

Mar 16

Bailiff’s Mix-Up Releases Madoff Instead of Barabbas

madoffaNEW YORK – Minutes after Ponzi scam artist Bernard Madoff, the most hated man in America after Dick Cheney, pled guilty yesterday to eleven counts of fraud in a packed lower Manhattan courtroom, bailiff Bradleys Roadhouse misunderstood Judge Denny Chin’s instructions and accidentally released Madoff instead of infamous first-century insurrectionist Barabbas.

[Madoff is pictured at yesterday's hearing, courtesy of  Brandon Swayne, 5, Brooklyn Kindergarden, guest courtroom artist.]

“After Mr. Madoff pled guilty, I specifically told the bailiff to release Mr. Barabbas, not Mr. Madoff,” explained U.S. District Court Judge Denny Chin.  “We apparently got our signals crossed.”

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Mar 13

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