College Dude’s Hook-Up Success Soars With Green Make-Out Sessions

halloween-1PITTSBURGH - University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus ”hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.”

“I tell every [woman] I meet that if they come back to my dorm room [for casual sex] or [to administer oral sex to Mr. Swayne], I insist that we promote a healthy environment for romance.” 

“That means, turning off the lights and using scented candles instead. It also means lowering the thermostat in favor of lots and lots more cuddling and hand-holding. And it means lots and lots of sharing feelings.”

“None of that shit really helps the environment,” Mr. Swayne concedes, “but saying it sure helps get me laid.”

“I’m proud that my hook-ups and I are doing 0ur part to build a better environment for the kids that she and I will someday have with other people, long after we’ve put our drunken one-night stand out of our heads.”

Mar 26