Monthly Archives: March 2009

Michael Moore Unveils New Film About His Quest to Track Down the Head of General Motors

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Posted in Economy, Entertainment

Deal Brokered to Merge Afghan, Pakistan Taliban; Central Asia Terror Market Cornered

APPALACHIA – In a deal that sent shock waves through the Islamic jihadist world, the Afghanistan Taliban and the Pakistani Taliban have agreed to merge. The giant Central Asian terror organization will now be known as AfPak.  According to Mullah Omar, Afpak CEO,

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Posted in International News, Legal News

Spokesman: Obama to Begin Sentences With “Now See Here”

WASHINGTON – White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced yesterday that the President will no longer begin each sentence by asking people to “look.” Effective immediately, Mr. Obama will commence speaking with “now see here.” The change was made after a series

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Posted in Politics, U.S. News

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner Resigns, Takes Job at Microsoft

A spokesman for the software giant says Wagoner’s “extensive experience overseeing the creation of inferior products people only buy out of a strange sense of duty” makes him a perfect fit for the company

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Posted in Business

GM Buys Out CEO, Pays Him the 74 Cents Remaining On His One Dollar-Per-Year Contract

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Posted in Economy

“Fats” Domino Condemns Fargo for “Stealing” Evacuation Idea from New Orleans

NEW ORLEANS – Rock and roll icon Antoine Dominique “Fats” Domino took to the New Orleans airwaves last night to excoriate the “copycats” in Fargo, North Dakota who “pilfered New Orleans’ idea” by evactuating a portion of the city after cracks were found in

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Posted in U.S. News, Weather

Carbolic Opinion Poll

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Posted in Opinion Polls

Pittsburgh Pirates to Don New Beaks for 2009 Season

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Posted in Sports

Student Gives Right Arm for Spartan Victory

EAST LANSING – Michigan State men’s basketball coach Tom Izzo received an unusual, heartfelt gift during practice yesterday: the right arm of eighth year sophomore David Corbett. “I told my fraternity brothers I’d give my right arm to see Michigan State beat Kansas, and I’m a man of

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Posted in Sports

Local Man Blames Alcoholism on Obama Drinking Game

PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 30, blames President Barack Obama for his alcoholism.  Swayne says that he and his buddies play a game in which they each take a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President says the word “look.” During Tuesday

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Posted in Health, Local News, U.S. News

Obama Replaces Geithner With Drunken Sailor

Obama: “Mr. Geithner was not spending money with sufficient rapidity or daring for my liking.”

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Posted in Economy, U.S. News

College Dude’s Hook-Up Success Soars With Green Make-Out Sessions

PITTSBURGH – University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus “hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.” “I tell every [woman] I meet that if they

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Posted in Education, Local News

Geithner Seeks New Powers to Regulate Rogue Financial Companies

Treasury Secretary says “flying would be cool,” but that he “really want[s] to be able to fire missiles at CEOs I don’t like”

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Posted in Business, Politics, U.S. News

Obama: World War Best Way Out of Global Economic Crisis

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In his second televised prime-time press conference, President Obama told the American people last night that the best way to stimulate the economy would be to fight a World War on two fronts. “Look, it worked so

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Posted in International News, U.S. News

AIG Insurance Agent Ned Ryerson Refuses to Repay Bonus

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA. – AIG insurance agent Ned Ryerson is the last of the failing company’s employees to refuse to repay the bonus he received.  Ryerson’s bonus was part of the $165 million bonus package paid to AIG employees that has

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Posted in Economy, U.S. News

Pope In Africa, Meets With Tarzan

CAMEROON – Pope Benedict XVI met with Tarzan today at the Apeman’s Kumbo tree house estate. The Papal audience was arranged after months of painstaking negotiations between the Vatican and Boy, Tarzan’s son. “It is truly a pleasure for the earthly representative of the King of Kings

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Posted in Religion

Alaskan Volcano Back on Eruption Watch; Seismologists Blame AIG Executives

Increase in seismic activity “likely represents the Earth’s anger” over bonus payments, says scientist Noah Swayne

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Posted in Science, U.S. News

Obama Unveils Blueprint for Remainder of His Presidency, Names Nicholas Cage Special Advisor

“Without getting into specifics, we really don’t have to worry about whether the economic crisis will end, or about anything else for that matter.”

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Posted in U.S. News

China Forecloses on U.S., Seizes Statue of Liberty

NEW YORK – Thousands of onlookers sadly watched as Chinese laborers dismantled the Statue of Liberty, loaded the pieces on a barge, and hauled them away on the first leg of a journey that will see Lady Liberty reassembled in

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Posted in Economy, International News, U.S. News

Al Qaeda Announces New Green Initiatives

PESHAWAR – Osama Bin Laden announced yesterday that Al Qaeda has introduced new green initiatives that will make it the world’s foremost environmentally friendly terror organization. “We need to save something for future generations to destroy,” said Bin Laden, in a

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Posted in International News
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