Monthly Archives: March 2009
Deal Brokered to Merge Afghan, Pakistan Taliban; Central Asia Terror Market Cornered
APPALACHIA - In a deal that sent shock waves through the Islamic jihadist world, the Afghanistan Taliban and the Pakistani Taliban have agreed to merge. The giant Central Asian terror organization will now be known as AfPak. According to Mullah Omar, Afpak CEO,…
Spokesman: Obama to Begin Sentences With “Now See Here”
WASHINGTON – White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced yesterday that the President will no longer begin each sentence by asking people to “look.” Effective immediately, Mr. Obama will commence speaking with “now see here.” The change was made after a series…
General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner Resigns, Takes Job at Microsoft
A spokesman for the software giant says Wagoner’s “extensive experience overseeing the creation of inferior products people only buy out of a strange sense of duty” makes him a perfect fit for the company
“Fats” Domino Condemns Fargo for “Stealing” Evacuation Idea from New Orleans
NEW ORLEANS – Rock and roll icon Antoine Dominique “Fats” Domino took to the New Orleans airwaves last night to excoriate the “copycats” in Fargo, North Dakota who “pilfered New Orleans’ idea” by evactuating a portion of the city after cracks were found in…
Student Gives Right Arm for Spartan Victory
EAST LANSING - Michigan State men’s basketball coach Tom Izzo received an unusual, heartfelt gift during practice yesterday: the right arm of eighth year sophomore David Corbett. “I told my fraternity brothers I’d give my right arm to see Michigan State beat Kansas, and I’m a man of…
Local Man Blames Alcoholism on Obama Drinking Game
PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 30, blames President Barack Obama for his alcoholism. Swayne says that he and his buddies play a game in which they each take a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President says the word “look.” During Tuesday…
Obama Replaces Geithner With Drunken Sailor
Obama: “Mr. Geithner was not spending money with sufficient rapidity or daring for my liking.”
College Dude’s Hook-Up Success Soars With Green Make-Out Sessions
PITTSBURGH - University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus ”hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.” “I tell every [woman] I meet that if they…
Geithner Seeks New Powers to Regulate Rogue Financial Companies
Treasury Secretary says “flying would be cool,” but that he “really want[s] to be able to fire missiles at CEOs I don’t like”
Obama: World War Best Way Out of Global Economic Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In his second televised prime-time press conference, President Obama told the American people last night that the best way to stimulate the economy would be to fight a World War on two fronts. “Look, it worked so…
AIG Insurance Agent Ned Ryerson Refuses to Repay Bonus
PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA. – AIG insurance agent Ned Ryerson is the last of the failing company’s employees to refuse to repay the bonus he received. Ryerson’s bonus was part of the $165 million bonus package paid to AIG employees that has…
Pope In Africa, Meets With Tarzan
CAMEROON - Pope Benedict XVI met with Tarzan today at the Apeman’s Kumbo tree house estate. The Papal audience was arranged after months of painstaking negotiations between the Vatican and Boy, Tarzan’s son. “It is truly a pleasure for the earthly representative of the King of Kings…
Alaskan Volcano Back on Eruption Watch; Seismologists Blame AIG Executives
Increase in seismic activity “likely represents the Earth’s anger” over bonus payments, says scientist Noah Swayne
Obama Unveils Blueprint for Remainder of His Presidency, Names Nicholas Cage Special Advisor
“Without getting into specifics, we really don’t have to worry about whether the economic crisis will end, or about anything else for that matter.”
China Forecloses on U.S., Seizes Statue of Liberty
NEW YORK – Thousands of onlookers sadly watched as Chinese laborers dismantled the Statue of Liberty, loaded the pieces on a barge, and hauled them away on the first leg of a journey that will see Lady Liberty reassembled in…
Al Qaeda Announces New Green Initiatives
PESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden announced yesterday that Al Qaeda has introduced new green initiatives that will make it the world’s foremost environmentally friendly terror organization. “We need to save something for future generations to destroy,” said Bin Laden, in a…
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
