Michael Moore Unveils New Film About His Quest to Track Down the Head of General Motors

roger_and_me

Mar 31

Deal Brokered to Merge Afghan, Pakistan Taliban; Central Asia Terror Market Cornered

terrroristAPPALACHIA - In a deal that sent shock waves through the Islamic jihadist world, the Afghanistan Taliban and the Pakistani Taliban have agreed to merge.

The giant Central Asian terror organization will now be known as AfPak. 

According to Mullah Omar, Afpak CEO, the group will use a duck in all of its print and electronic advertising. The duck will not speak, however, as a duck that speaks is unIslamic and an abomination in the eyes of God. 

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Mar 31

Spokesman: Obama to Begin Sentences With “Now See Here”

obamamoncoleWASHINGTON – White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced yesterday that the President will no longer begin each sentence by asking people to “look.” Effective immediately, Mr. Obama will commence speaking with “now see here.”

The change was made after a series of discussions between White House linguistics assistants and Baron Von Frankenstein, an elderly gentleman purportedly of German descent who speaks with a flawless English accent. The Baron is the father of Dr. Henry Frankenstein, a pioneer in the exciting new field of life creation science.

“The Baron has used ’now see here’  in every sentence he has uttered for as long as anyone can remember,” said Gibbs. “And he has done so without rebuke, or ridicule.”

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Mar 30

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner Resigns, Takes Job at Microsoft

rickwagonerA spokesman for the software giant says Wagoner’s “extensive experience overseeing the creation of inferior products people only buy out of a strange sense of duty” makes him a perfect fit for the company

Mar 30

GM Buys Out CEO, Pays Him the 74 Cents Remaining On His One Dollar-Per-Year Contract

wagoner

Mar 30

“Fats” Domino Condemns Fargo for “Stealing” Evacuation Idea from New Orleans

fats-domino-2NEW ORLEANS – Rock and roll icon Antoine Dominique “Fats” Domino took to the New Orleans airwaves last night to excoriate the “copycats” in Fargo, North Dakota who “pilfered New Orleans’ idea” by evactuating a portion of the city after cracks were found in a levee holding back the rising Red River.

In August 2005, New Orleans ordered large scale evacuations after Hurricane Katrina’s storm surge caused the city’s levees to burst.  Mr. Domino heroically acted as a human cork to plug one of the major breaches, all the while singing, “Ain’t that a shame?”

Last night on televistion, frothing at the mouth and shouting at the top of his lungs, Mr. Domino accused the Fargo residents who evacuated of “having zero originality — I mean none!”  He said he found it “very telling” that the Fargo evacuation was prompted by “an alleged failure of a levee — hmm, I wonder where they got that idea?”

Mr. Domino said he is consulting with his lawyers to see if New Orleans has a legal cause of action against Fargo for theft of ideas.  ”Allowing Fargo to evacuate is unacceptable because it trivializes what happened in New Orleans,” he said.

Mar 27

Carbolic Opinion Poll

marchmadness

Mar 27

Pittsburgh Pirates to Don New Beaks for 2009 Season

new-beaks

Mar 27

Student Gives Right Arm for Spartan Victory

severed20arm20bigEAST LANSING - Michigan State men’s basketball coach Tom Izzo received an unusual, heartfelt gift during practice yesterday: the right arm of eighth year sophomore David Corbett.

“I told my fraternity brothers I’d give my right arm to see Michigan State beat Kansas, and I’m a man of my word,” said Corbett. “Besides, [the frat brothers] were happy to oblige.”

Corbett said a houseful of Delta Delta Taus beat him senseless and then cut his arm at the shoulder blade using a set of steak knives.

Michigan State plays Kansas in Indianapolis Friday evening. Izzo accepted the arm on behalf of his team.

“I’m just glad you didn’t say you’d give your right [testicle],” he joked. 

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Mar 27

Local Man Blames Alcoholism on Obama Drinking Game

0PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 30, blames President Barack Obama for his alcoholism. 

Swayne says that he and his buddies play a game in which they each take a shot of Jack Daniels every time the President says the word “look.” During Tuesday night’s press conference, Mr. Obama said the word “look” 1,312 times.

Mr. Swayne, who has entered an alcohol rehabilitation program, fared better than his friend Bradleys Roadhouse, 28, who succumbed to alcohol poisoning halfway through the press event.

Mar 26

Obama Replaces Geithner With Drunken Sailor

drunken-sailorObama: “Mr. Geithner was not spending money with sufficient rapidity or daring for my liking.”

Mar 26

College Dude’s Hook-Up Success Soars With Green Make-Out Sessions

halloween-1PITTSBURGH - University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus ”hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.”

“I tell every [woman] I meet that if they come back to my dorm room [for casual sex] or [to administer oral sex to Mr. Swayne], I insist that we promote a healthy environment for romance.” 

“That means, turning off the lights and using scented candles instead. It also means lowering the thermostat in favor of lots and lots more cuddling and hand-holding. And it means lots and lots of sharing feelings.”

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Mar 26

Geithner Seeks New Powers to Regulate Rogue Financial Companies

geithnermanTreasury Secretary says “flying would be cool,” but that he “really want[s] to be able to fire missiles at CEOs I don’t like”

Mar 25

Obama: World War Best Way Out of Global Economic Crisis

obamanewsWASHINGTON, D.C. – In his second televised prime-time press conference, President Obama told the American people last night that the best way to stimulate the economy would be to fight a World War on two fronts.

“Look, it worked so well in 1941, I think we should try it again.”

The President said his advisors have been working around the clock seeking alternative solutions to the nation’s crippling economic depression, and this is the remedy to which they invariably return.

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Mar 25

AIG Insurance Agent Ned Ryerson Refuses to Repay Bonus

ned1PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA. – AIG insurance agent Ned Ryerson is the last of the failing company’s employees to refuse to repay the bonus he received. 

Ryerson’s bonus was part of the $165 million bonus package paid to AIG employees that has drawn the ire of the American citizens and lawmakers alike.

Ryerson, known to associates as “Needlenose Ned,” told a reporter that he “earned every penny” of his bonus by selling record amounts of insurance to Pittsburgh television meteorologist Phil Connors on February 2 of this year.

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Mar 25

Pope In Africa, Meets With Tarzan

tarzanCAMEROON - Pope Benedict XVI met with Tarzan today at the Apeman’s Kumbo tree house estate. The Papal audience was arranged after months of painstaking negotiations between the Vatican and Boy, Tarzan’s son.

“It is truly a pleasure for the earthly representative of the King of Kings to visit the home of the King of the Jungle,” said the Pope in his opening remarks.

A ceremonial gift exchange followed. The Pope presented Tarzan with an oil painting. Tarzan gave the Pope a loincloth embossed with the Papal seal.

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Mar 24

Alaskan Volcano Back on Eruption Watch; Seismologists Blame AIG Executives

volcanoIncrease in seismic activity “likely represents the Earth’s anger” over bonus payments, says scientist Noah Swayne

Mar 24

Obama Unveils Blueprint for Remainder of His Presidency, Names Nicholas Cage Special Advisor

knowing-lg“Without getting into specifics, we really don’t have to worry about whether the economic crisis will end, or about anything else for that matter.”

Mar 24

China Forecloses on U.S., Seizes Statue of Liberty

photo-one-statue-of-libertyNEW YORK – Thousands of onlookers sadly watched as Chinese laborers dismantled the Statue of Liberty, loaded the pieces on a barge, and hauled them away on the first leg of a journey that will see Lady Liberty reassembled in Tiananmen Square.

The U.S. is in default in repaying China approximately one trillion dollars in U.S treasuries and could not raise the cash to keep the Chinese government from foreclosing on the Colossus of Liberty.

A Chinese official said that the Statue is not worth enough to substantially pay down the debt. “After all, it was made in France.” So next, the Chinese plan to foreclose on the Grand Canyon, he said.

Mar 23

Al Qaeda Announces New Green Initiatives

photo-two-terrorist1PESHAWAR - Osama Bin Laden announced yesterday that Al Qaeda has introduced new green initiatives that will make it the world’s foremost environmentally friendly terror organization.

“We need to save something for future generations to destroy,” said Bin Laden, in a videotape broadcast on the al Jazeera network. 

Mr. Bin Laden said Al Qaeda has made their network of caves along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border more energy efficient by switching from incandescent light bulbs to compact fluorescent light bulbs.

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Mar 23

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