Clinton Arrives In Indonesia Amid Sniper Fire

clintonsniper

Feb 19

Attorney General Eric Holder Calls America “a Nation of Cowards” on Race

ericholder“I’m just keepin’ it real, yo,” said Holder. “Better man-up, b*tches.”

Feb 19

Clinton Works to Improve U.S. Image with Muslims, Urges Congress to Legalize Honor Killings

clinton-win-06

Feb 19

The Patriarchy Isn’t Some Abstraction Invented By Feminists, It’s Me and Two Other Guys

JudgCOMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM – The so-called “gender” feminists have it all wrong. They are correct when they say there is a patriarchy that governs all social structures, but they’re wrong when they talk about it as an abstraction.

The Board of Governors of the Federal Patriarchal System is me and two other guys. I am currently serving my seventh 6-year term. We regulate the Patriarchy. Every American male 18 and older is a voting member.

The Board of Governors is charged with maintaining the male privileged social order in a variety of ways far too complex to detail here. Among other things, we periodically adjust the glass ceiling and the gender wage differential, much like the Federal Reserve Bank adjusts the prime lending rate, but only in the smallest increments necessary to appease women and, thus, maintain the social order.

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Feb 18

Chimp Who Mauled Rihanna Breaks Silence, Says He’s Very Sorry, Seeking Counseling

Chimpanzee AttackHARTFORD – Travis, the 200-pound chimp who allegedly badly mauled singer Rihanna, says he is seeking counseling from loved ones and family members.

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person.”

The 15-year-old domesticated chimpanzee, who once starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola, issued a brief statement today through publicist Michael Sitrick. In it, Travis also said that many of the reports about the incident are incorrect, although he does not provide further details.

Feb 18

Jason, Freddy Krueger Join Oscar Telecast

freddy_vs_jason_1HOLLYWOOD – Variety reports that two of the most celebrated mass murderers in screen history will present the award for best picture during Sunday’s Academy Award telecast on ABC.

According to sources at the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences, both Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger have agreed to deliver the evening’s most coveted prize to this years winner. This will be the first public appearance of both men on stage  together since last summer’s Hollywood Bowl production of  South Pacific.

“Jason has been busy renovating a house on some property he owns deep in the backwoods of a secluded area, but he needs to take a break,” said host Hugh Jackman. “His biggest problem is finding a tuxedo that matches his hockey mask.”

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Feb 18

British, French Submarines Collide in Atlantic

hms_vanguard_1296482cFrench sub immediately surrenders

Feb 17

Defense Department Hires Steelers Defensive Coordinator to Stop Taliban

dickWASHINGTON - Pittsburgh Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau has been hired by the Defense Department to stop the Taliban insurgency in Afghanistan. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates made the announcement at the Pentagon yesterday.

“We know what Dick was able to do against some of the most dangerous offenses in professional football. We are confident he’ll be able to come up with a game plan to stop this explosive Taliban club.”

Mr. Lebeau said he was excited about the opportunity to use his celebrated schemes off of the football field in the service of his country. ”I’ve been looking at a lot of film of these guys, trying to find tendencies. It’s going to be a challenge.”

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Feb 17

Jack Cover, Inventor of the Taser, Dead at 88

taserinventorTaser International Inc. refutes report, claims Cover is “only stunned”


Feb 17

Chavez to Venezuela: “Let Me Run in 2012 – or I’ll Kill You”

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Feb 17

Chris Brown Accused of Assaulting Liza Minnelli

crhisNEW YORK – Chris Brown was taken into police custody last night after witnesses observed him assaulting singer Liza Minnelli outside a midtown night club.

The two were reportedly heading to a Stephen Sondheim recital at Carnegie Hall, where they were scheduled to perform a medley from “Into The Woods.” Rap artist Snoop Dogg and legendary opera diva Beverly Sills sang the medley instead.  

This is the second time in less than a week that Mr. Brown has been accused of attacking a female singer. Last Sunday, he was arrested for beating up a woman widely believed to be pop singing sensation Rihanna. Rumors that police found a “divas to beat up” list in the glove compartment of Mr. Brown’s vehicle remain unconfirmed.

As if that were not bad enough, late yesterday, fiery Latino superstar Charo said she was withdrawing as the opening act for Mr. Brown’s upcoming summer tour. Mr. Brown’s attorney cried foul, saying he had a signed contract. He also said that Mr. Brown was aware of Ms. Charo’s decision, and that his client most likely would “take a hands-on approach” to resolving the matter.

Feb 16

Taxpayers “Furious” About Footing the Bill for Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster

upmc-adaStinging news comes just days after taxpayers learn they will pay for Octuplets

 WASHINGTON - Taxpayers say they are outraged at news that the cost of creating and caring for Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s new monster will fall on county, state and federal governments.  The news comes just days after taxpayers learned they are on the hook for the Octuplet mom’s brood.

Dr. Frankenstein, unemployed for the past two years while working to create a man at his home laboratory, is slated to receive food stamps, Social Security disability payments, and Medicaid reimbursements for the medical services he has personally provided to the creature. 

In addition, since Frankenstein is judgment-proof, the state will be on the hook to reimburse victims for whatever mayhem the monster causes.

Callers on talk radio echoed the public’s furor over Dr. Frankenstein’s decision to create a monster he cannot afford.  ”If that mad scientist wants to make a man, that’s his business. But it should be his financial responsibility, not ours,” fumed one caller.

Feb 16

Capt. Sullenberger on Plane that Crashed into House: “If the Bathtub Had Been Filled, That’s Where I Would Have Glided the Plane”

crash

Feb 16

Carbolic Opinion Poll

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Feb 13

Carbolic Flashback: February 13, 1929: “Blessed Be The Peacemaker! I Have Arranged a St. Valentine’s Day Reconciliation Between the Capone and Moran Gangs!”

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

Tomorrow — fittingly enough, St. Valentine’s Day – at 10:30 a.m., seven members of ”Bugs” Moran’s North Side gang will meet with four members of the Al Capone gang at a garage located inside the SMC Cartage Company on the North Side of town. At that time, in that place, these men shall, once and for all, iron out all their differences, and, lo, there shall be peace in Chicago’s gang lands!

If you’ve been living under a rock the past few years, you might have missed the news that for some time, Messrs. Moran and Capone have been battling for control of the lucrative Chicago bootlegging business, with a considerable death toll. Many have tried to stanch the blood-flow to no avail, until I became involved.  

You see, this meeting was my idea. I convinced both sides that murder generally is bad for business. I rarely take credit for my behind-the-scenes efforts to bring healing to a scarred world, but I can truthfully say that I have never been more proud of anything I’ve done. Many are talking about a Nobel Peace Prize for me, and, yes, that might just be appropriate here, because this meeting was anything but easy to pull off.

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Feb 13

Carbolic Flashback: February 15, 1929: Moran Gang Wiped Out By Capone Gang in St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

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Feb 13

Controversial “Idol” Contestant Disqualified

joannaidolFOX officials cite Joanna Pacitti’s unpaid royalties taxes, opposition to Simon Cowell’s stimulus plan

Feb 13

Obama Convenes Presidential Commission to Explain Plot of “Lost” to the American People

lost_title_cardWASHINGTON – Under pressure from tens of millions of loyal but frustrated viewers, President Obama has convened a special blue-ribbon panel of experts to study episodes of the ABC television show “Lost” and provide an explanation of the plot.

“People are having a hard time with the many twists and turns of this story, and they’re not alone. The President can’t make heads or tails of it himself,” said Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs.

“This whole time-traveling idea, and then people are dead, but they’re not, plus the religious subtexts and literary allusions, not to mention the quantum physics. It’s all far too difficult for the ordinary American to comprehend.”

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Feb 13

Guide for Men to Survive Valentine’s Day

judge-21Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, so you know what that means. . . .  I’m glad you do, because our male readers and I don’t.

Let us be candid at the outset.  The sole purpose of this holiday is to torture men, much like the victims in the “Saw” movies — not by waterboarding or electric shocks – by forcing us to express our inner “feelings.”  As if we had any.  Dick Cheney himself could not have devised a more effective torture for men, and that’s saying a lot.

It’s futile to fight it, guys, but there are three principal ways to survive it.

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Feb 13

Obama Rules Out Kansas Governor Sebelius for Cabinet Following Revelation that She Pays Her Taxes

kathleen20sebelius

Feb 12

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