Mr. Peanut Hangs Self After Testing Positive for Salmonella

peanutaATLANTIC CITY – Emerson Wickwire Peanut, III, known the world over as Mr. Peanut, the iconic mascot of food giant Planters, is dead at 92 of an apparent suicide. 

Just hours before the shell of the always-dapper Mr. Peanut was found hanging from Atlantic City’s legendary Steel Pier, he was informed that he had tested positive for salmonella.

Velveeta Planters-Kraft, CEO of Planters, issued a statement on behalf of the company:  “Emerson’s death is an incalculable loss for the peanut community.  He will always be remembered for his pioneering efforts to bring desegregation to the industry by insisting that grocers in the south carry mixed nuts.”

Last month, Mr. Peanut made headlines when he announced that he was gay and that his five marriages, including his brief union this past December to supermodel Bar Refaeli, were shams. 

Insiders say that Mr. Peanut contracted salmonella after having relations with a peanut who was processed at the Peanut Corporation of America’s plant in Georgia. 

Just last week, Mr. Peanut announced that he had accepted a role in Broadway’s all-peanut version of “Equus,” in which he planned to come out of his shell and show the world his acting nuts. The role will be filled by former child acting sensation Danny Bonaduce.

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