HARTFORD - The murderous rampage of a local chimpanzee could lead to a world dominated by simian creatures, according to astronaut George Taylor.
“I’ve experienced the lash at the hands of these damn, dirty apes. I know the evil and cruelty that resides in their black hearts. I believe we should pass Federal legislation as soon as possible prohibiting the keeping of primates as pets.”
Many people have been domesticating monkeys and chimpanzees for years. Dr. Joseph Dunn, noted zoologist, scoffed at Mr. Taylor’s remarks.
“Aside from the joys of learning to smoke cigars and ride motorscooters, these animals have demonstrated little aptitude for so-called normal human behavior.”
Mr. Taylor warned people not to be fooled. ”First, they’ll learn how to talk. Then, they’ll learn to rebel. From there, they’ll learn how to use firearms and affect British accents, very similar to the one possessed by the late actor Roddy McDowell.”
Mr. Taylor urged all citizens to contact their representatives in Congress and let them know they don’t want to live in a world where humans are hunted for sport, forced to live like animals in a society ruled by orangutans.
“Call today with that message. Call a thousand times if you have to. The fate of the planet is at stake.”