PYONGYANG - The United States and North Korea moved closer to war today after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accidentally stepped on the blue suede shoes of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
The incident occurred during a diplomatic receiving line.
Mrs. Clinton appeared to brush the top of Jong-ils beloved footwear with the sole of her own shoe. Realizing the magnitude of her mistake, she quickly attempted to make amends, but by then Jong-il was shaking with anger.
“You can knock me down. Step on my face. Slander my name all over the place. Secretary Clinton, you can do anything that you want to do, but uh-huh, honey, lay off of my shoes!”
PESHAWAR – Al Qaeda announced yesterday that it has “immediate openings” for camp counselors at its numerous terrorist training camps along the rugged mountainous region between Pakistan and Afghanistan.
The camps provide an opportunity for underprivileged adolescent sociopaths from all over the Muslim world to learn basic terror skills like archery, fencing, animal slaughter, bombmaking and macrame in a structured, wholesome environment. The announcement was made on the group’s web site.
“Enrollment for our summer terrorist camps is expected to be higher than ever, praise Allah, and we’re looking for counselors excited about the possibility of working with young jihadists to give them an experience they’ll never forget. Duties include promoting positive outlook for campers interested in destroying Western civilization, as well as organizing nightly sing-alongs and talent show. Some experience with killing people preferred. No women, please.”
The deadline to submit applications is March 31st.
SCOTTSDALE – The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, and Williams promptly criticized Alex Rodriguez for using steroids.
Following Williams’ death in 2002, his body was flown to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation where it was severed from its head via a procedure known as neuroseparation. The body was stored in a 9-foot cylindrical steel tank, and the head was placed in a steel can filled with liquid nitrogen.
Every year during spring training, scientists at Alcor gingerly remove the head from the can to thaw it out. Then they administer a series of electric shocks that serve to reanimate it for approximately two hours before it finally tuckers out.
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI was forced to leave Ash Wednesday services early yesterday after complaining of stiffness in his ash-dispensing arm.
The grimacing Pope winced as he made the sign of the cross on the forehead of Mr. Michael Loftus of Lisle, Illinois. Mr. Loftus was the last person to receive ashes from the Pope.
“I could tell he was really laboring through the first three people he gave ashes to,”said Loftus. “His delivery was slower. He kept stepping off the altar, swinging his arm in a windmill motion. Wiping the sweat from his brow, taking deep breaths. When he got to me, I could see he had nothing left in the tank.”
VATICAN CITY – Catholic dioceses around the world have cancelled Lent this year because the Brunswick Ash Company of Newark, New Jersey, the exclusive supplier of ashes to the Church, has closed its doors due to the recession.
“This year is gone, but if we get some stimulus money, then double mazel tov, we’ll reopen next year,” said Reuben Brunswick, president of the company that has been in his family for over 100 years.
Mr. Brunswick’s biggest fear was telling the Pope. “I was sure the Holy Father would start hurling kneelers at me — you know, he’s got that whole German thing going on, but it turns out he’s a real mensch. His only concern was the hit the fish fries are going to take on Fridays if there’s no lent. He said, ‘That’s going to cost them some serious cheddar.’ ”
Obama Announces Plan to Reach Out to Republicans: “Since I am Biracial, I Will Self-Identify as Caucasian Every Other Year of My Presidency”
Oscar Telecast Under Fire For Cutting to Reaction Shots of Jolie While Aniston Was Speaking, and of Dean Martin While Jerry Lewis Was Speaking
HOLLWOOD - Gasps filled the press room backstage of the Kodak Theater at the Oscars Sunday night when the ABC telecast cut to a reaction shot of Angelina Jolie when Jennifer Aniston was presenting an award. Ms. Jolie is the paramour of Ms. Aniston’s ex-husband Brad Pitt.
Later, the gasps were even more audible when the camera cut to a reaction shot of the corpse of affable Italian American pop singer Dean Martin, who expired in 1995, when his former partner Jerry Lewis was accepting a special Oscar.
Neither Ms. Jolie nor Mr. Martin gave any hint of emotion when the cameras zeroed in on them.
This was not the first time ABC has come under fire for heavy-handed use of televised reaction shots. On November 24 1963, immediately after Lee Harvey Oswald was shot by Jack Ruby in the basement of Dallas police headquarters, ABC cameras cut to a smiling Jackie Kennedy.
LEWISTOWN - Queen Elizabeth II was injured yesterday in a freak snowboarding accident while preparing for this weekend’s Snowboarding World Championships.
The Queen was considered a dark horse favorite in the freestyle competition here after taking third place in the Winter Dew Tour Event in Truckee, California last Sunday.
According to a Buckingham Palace spokesman, Her Majesty sustained three broken ribs and a fractured pelvis attempting to perfect her patented front-side melon grab and confirm knighthood on pop music star David Bowie at the same time.
Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Teen Film Critic, Noah Swayne, Jr.
Hey, dudes, I’m chillaxin here at the Oscars Governors Ball, chowing down sushi, poached shrimp, lobster tails and mussels. Some old lady — she must be 32 – iced out with some serious bling bling, is all up in my grill, verbally bitch slapping me and everything because I’m perched here at the bar texting this to you instead of macking on her, which is really krunk and everything because, like, she’s got a nice chassy. But I’m getting this report out of the the way right now because as soon as I get back to my phat hotel room at the Marriott, a couple hundred feet away, I’ll be knocking boots with the GF. So as you can imagine, I won’t have time to do this later.
The big news is that I made, like, some serious cheddar betting on the Oscars this year, fo’ shiggidy my weeble! “Slumdog Millionaire,” or as the game show host in the movie called it, “Millen-air,” was the big winner, snagging eight Oscars including best picture. Let’s recap, and I’ll skip all the shitty awards that nobody cares about.
One of the emotional high points (h/t to my English teacher, Irma Taylor, for that cool phrase) came when they gave the best supporting actor award to Heath Ledger. Mr. Ledger did not personally appear to accept the award, but ooowee, I was shocked when his, like, family came forward and started speaking in accents. His mom really disappointed me because I thought it would have been cool if she had worn her lipstick all smudged on her face and such like the Joker, in Heath’s honor. Turns out his family is just a bunch of boring foreigners because they spoke slightly longer than Heath’s entire career.
VIENNA – Premier Nikita Khrushchev warned President Kennedy yesterday about the dangers of starting a dance craze race between the two nuclear superpowers.
“If America is the land of a thousand dances, we will be the land of ten thousand dances!” the Soviet leader thundered, as members of his personal staff broke into a spontaneous demonstration of the frug, the jerk, and the monkey.
Mr. Khruschev added that scores of top Soviet choreagraphical scientists were working round the clock at a secret studio deep within the Ural mountains creating a dance that will be bigger than “the twist.”
Abraham Lincoln delivered his iconic Gettysburg Address in less than three minutes to an apathetic audience, but historians say Lincoln intended it to be much longer and to contain material that modern audiences would call stand-up comedy.
The humor was cut when the wind blew away thirty-eight pages just as Lincoln started to deliver the speech.
The missing pages were discovered last week and show that Lincoln planned to do an extended skit lampooning Robert E. Lee, the South’s military leader. Lincoln intended to impersonate Lee cowering under a rock and pleading for his life in a dopey, high-pitched voice. A note in Lincoln’s writing in the margin next to the routine said, “This will kill them!”
ATLANTIC CITY – Emerson Wickwire Peanut, III, known the world over as Mr. Peanut, the iconic mascot of food giant Planters, is dead at 92 of an apparent suicide.
Just hours before the shell of the always-dapper Mr. Peanut was found hanging from Atlantic City’s legendary Steel Pier, he was informed that he had tested positive for salmonella.
Velveeta Planters-Kraft, CEO of Planters, issued a statement on behalf of the company: “Emerson’s death is an incalculable loss for the peanut community. He will always be remembered for his pioneering efforts to bring desegregation to the industry by insisting that grocers in the south carry mixed nuts.”
WASHINGTON - Attorney General Eric Holder, who recently called Americans “cowardly” when it comes to the discussion of race, received support from an unlikely source yesterday: Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Seymour “Skip” Peterson.
“I agree with the remarks on race made by the inferior being currently holding the office of the nation’s chief law enforcement officer,” said Mr. Peterson. ”It is in the best interest of our country to begin a dialogue on the subject of race, and, by extension, race war. If we can’t talk about race, we can’t do anything about it.”
The Grand Wizard said our inability to candidly address the need for people of color to submit to the will of their white masters puts a terrible strain on our social fabric.
HARTFORD - The murderous rampage of a local chimpanzee could lead to a world dominated by simian creatures, according to astronaut George Taylor.
“I’ve experienced the lash at the hands of these damn, dirty apes. I know the evil and cruelty that resides in their black hearts. I believe we should pass Federal legislation as soon as possible prohibiting the keeping of primates as pets.”
Many people have been domesticating monkeys and chimpanzees for years. Dr. Joseph Dunn, noted zoologist, scoffed at Mr. Taylor’s remarks.
“Aside from the joys of learning to smoke cigars and ride motorscooters, these animals have demonstrated little aptitude for so-called normal human behavior.”