Monthly Archives: February 2009

Local Priest Reprimanded for Ash Wednesday Shenanigans

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Posted in Religion

Clinton Steps on Jong-Il’s Blue Suede Shoes; U.S. and North Korea Prepare for War

PYONGYANG – The United States and North Korea moved closer to war today after Secretary of State Hillary Clinton accidentally stepped on the blue suede shoes of North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. The incident occurred during a diplomatic receiving line. Mrs.

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Posted in International News

Counselors Needed for Terrorist Training Camps

PESHAWAR – Al Qaeda announced yesterday that it has “immediate openings” for camp counselors at its numerous terrorist training camps along the rugged mountainous region between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The camps provide an opportunity for underprivileged adolescent sociopaths from all over the

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Posted in International News

Thousands of Men Claim to be Father of the Octuplets


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Posted in Extras, Life

Ted Williams’ Head Unthawed, Blasts A-Rod

SCOTTSDALE – The head of former Red Sox great Ted Williams was reanimated yesterday at the cryonics company where it has been stored since 2002, and Williams promptly criticized Alex Rodriguez for using steroids. Following Williams’ death in 2002, his body was flown

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Posted in Science, Sports

Pope Develops Stiffness in Ash-Dispensing Arm, Leaves Lenten Service Early

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI was forced to leave Ash Wednesday services early yesterday after complaining of stiffness in his ash-dispensing arm.  The grimacing Pope winced as he made the sign of the cross on the forehead of Mr. Michael Loftus of Lisle,

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Posted in Religion

Politicians Twittered During Obama’s Speech

Vice President Biden’s first message: “I could have said that better. So could Neil Kinnock. LOL.” And his second: “Four years of sitting next to this death masque? That’s gonna really freak me out.”

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Posted in Politics, Tech

Vatican Scraps Lent as Recession Shuts Down Ash Company

VATICAN CITY – Catholic dioceses around the world have cancelled Lent this year because the Brunswick Ash Company of Newark, New Jersey, the exclusive supplier of ashes to the Church, has closed its doors due to the recession. “This year is gone, but if we get some

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Posted in Business, Religion

Obama Announces Plan to Reach Out to Republicans: “Since I am Biracial, I Will Self-Identify as Caucasian Every Other Year of My Presidency”

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Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Oscar Telecast Under Fire For Cutting to Reaction Shots of Jolie While Aniston Was Speaking, and of Dean Martin While Jerry Lewis Was Speaking

HOLLWOOD – Gasps filled the press room backstage of the Kodak Theater at the Oscars Sunday night when the ABC telecast cut to a reaction shot of Angelina Jolie when Jennifer Aniston was presenting an award.  Ms. Jolie is the paramour of Ms. Aniston’s

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Posted in Entertainment

Mumbai Decries Damage to City in Post-Slumdog Oscar Win Revelry

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Posted in Entertainment, International News

Queen Elizabeth Injured in Freak Snowboarding Accident

LEWISTOWN – Queen Elizabeth II was injured yesterday in a freak snowboarding accident while preparing for this weekend’s Snowboarding World Championships. The Queen was considered a dark horse favorite in the freestyle competition here after taking third place in the Winter Dew

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Posted in International News, Sports

Biggest Shock at the Oscars: Sacheen Littlefeather is Heath Ledger’s Mother!

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Posted in Entertainment

Oscars Round-Up: “Slumdog” Snags Eight Awards, Including Best Picture

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Teen Film Critic, Noah Swayne, Jr. Hey, dudes, I’m chillaxin here at the Oscars Governors Ball, chowing down sushi, poached shrimp, lobster tails and mussels.  Some old lady — she must be 32 — iced out with some

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Posted in Entertainment

Police Finally Solve Chandra Levy Case: Travis the Chimp Killed Her

Confession found in slain chimpanzee’s diary; primate also admitted to killing Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson

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Posted in Legal News, U.S. News

Carbolic Flashback: June 4, 1961: Khrushchev Lectures Kennedy on Dangers of Dance Craze Race

VIENNA – Premier Nikita Khrushchev warned President Kennedy yesterday about the dangers of starting a dance craze race between the two nuclear superpowers. “If America is the land of a thousand dances, we will be the land of ten thousand

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Posted in Archival Reports, History

Revealed: Gettysburg Address Originally Was a Stand-up Routine

Abraham Lincoln delivered his iconic Gettysburg Address in less than three minutes to an apathetic audience, but historians say Lincoln intended it to be much longer and to contain material that modern audiences would call stand-up comedy. The humor was cut

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Posted in History

Mr. Peanut Hangs Self After Testing Positive for Salmonella

ATLANTIC CITY – Emerson Wickwire Peanut, III, known the world over as Mr. Peanut, the iconic mascot of food giant Planters, is dead at 92 of an apparent suicide.  Just hours before the shell of the always-dapper Mr. Peanut was found hanging from Atlantic City’s

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Posted in Obituaries

Grand Wizard: Americans Cowardly About Race War Discussions

WASHINGTON – Attorney General Eric Holder, who recently called Americans “cowardly” when it comes to the discussion of race, received support from an unlikely source yesterday: Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Seymour “Skip” Peterson. “I agree with the remarks on race made

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Posted in U.S. News

Astronaut: Chimpanzee Attack Could Lead to Planet Ruled by Apes

HARTFORD  – The murderous rampage of a local chimpanzee could lead to a world dominated by simian creatures, according to astronaut George Taylor. “I’ve experienced the lash at the hands of these damn, dirty apes. I know the evil and cruelty that resides

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Posted in Extras, Science, U.S. News
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