Caroline Kennedy Opts Out of Senate Sweepstakes Amid Rumors of Marital Discord

carolinekk1Husband reportedly not happy she cut off his Schlossberg — from her name 

Jan 23

Hero Pilot’s Shopping Cart Careens Out of Control, Injures Five

photo-one-sullenbergerDANVILLE, CALIFORNIA - Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, the heroic pilot who miraculously landed a US Airways jet into the Hudson River, lost control of his shopping cart at a local supermarket last night and seriously injured five people.

Sullenberger was trying to return the cart to a shopping cart corral when it suddenly careened across the parking lot and slammed into a crowd of shoppers.

Eyewitness Velveeta Lugosi said: “He was weaving like a blind man. He had no idea how to drive that thing.”

Sullenberger blamed the accident on a collision with a flock of birds, but officials at the supermarket ruled out that explanation and concluded the likely cause was operator error.

Jan 23

First Mother-in-Law Lays Down the Law

photo-five-mother-in-law1“I told Barack and Michelle: no state functions after nine o’clock. If they want to live here, they must abide by my rules.” 

MARIAN ROBINSON, Barack Obama’s mother-in-law, who moved into the White House with the Obamas.

Jan 23

Ruby Thursday

rubypressa1“Caroline, please, please don’t drop out, dear. Somebody giving you a hard time? Uncle Jack will take care of it.”

JACK RUBY, Nightclub Owner, Fixer

Jan 23

Howard Stern Hires New “Stuttering John”

johnhoward

Jan 22

Obama Takes Oath Again, Sen. Kennedy Brought Back to Have Another Seizure

teddyWASHINGTON – Chief Justice John Roberts administered the presidential oath to Barack Obama for a second time at the White House Wednesday evening after Roberts and Obama flubbed it on Tuesday. 

To recreate the inaugural events as authentically as possible, Obama asked Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy to stop by and have another seizure.

Jan 22

Political Commentators Rapturous Over Obama’s Speech, Find “Profound Symbolism” in Portions Where He Exposed Self, Defecated

inauguralspeechWASHINGTON – The reviews are in, and political commentators around the world are unanimous in praising Barack Obama’s inaugural address. 

Experts on presidential rhetoric lauded the speech for not producing any memorable lines, as well as for the absence of eloquence, form, structure and cohesiveness. Karlyn Kohrs Lyght, a speech communications professor at Hoboken State University, noted that Mr. Obama “avoided an overprepared oration written as if each line were intended to be carved into marble.”  On that score, Professor Kohrs Lyght said, Obama’s speech “far surpasses both the Gettysburg Address and Lincoln’s Second Inaugural,” since both are carved into marble in the Lincoln Memorial.

Another commentator, Professor Kathleen Hall Monitor of the University of Roddochain, explained that the speech was a landmark because it “found a deep frisson in its shreds and patches, all of them seemingly stitched together by a speechwriter who, reaching out to the average 27-year-old in all of us, endlessly web-searched and channel-surfed for stardust moments that placed archaic notions of a single, compelling narrative under erasure.”

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Jan 22

Source: Obama Says No More Inauguration Poems; “Next Time, We’re Gonna Use Rickles”

don-ricklesWASHINGTON -  A high-ranking White House official told this news source yesterday that President Obama was unhappy with the poem written and read by Elizabeth Alexander at Tuesday’s Inauguration ceremony.

The poem, entitled “Praise Song For The Day,” left many who heard it scratching their heads. According to the unnamed source, Obama wanted comedian Don Rickles to perform following his inaugural address, but friends prevailed upon him to use Ms. Alexander instead.

“Barack was smiling and clapping when she finished, but about two minutes into her reading he sent me a text message that said: ‘What the hell is this? It’s not even rhyming. God, how long is this?’”

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Jan 22

Emperor from “Star Wars” was Aboard Miracle Flight That Crashed in the Hudson

photo-star-wars-emperor-1The FAA has confirmed that one of the passengers aboard US Airways Flight 1549 that landed in the Hudson River was the Emperor of the Gallactic Empire, aka Chancellor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith. 

The FAA did not explain why the Emperor was aboard the flight.

Jan 22

zomspine5 

Carbolic’s first inaugural book.
Get a copy from Amazon. Or from us. 

Jan 21

Obama’s Oath Invalid Due to Chief Justice’s Flub

oathWASHINGTON – Legal scholars huddled in an emergency conclave last night and determined that Barack Obama did not become the nation’s 44th president because Chief Justice John Roberts flubbed the swearing-in process.

Roberts incorrectly recited the oath dictated by the Constitution when he had Obama repeat the following: ”. . . I will execute the office of President to the United States faithfully.”

Hoboken University Law School Dean Noah Swayne explained that since Obama never uttered the oath called for by the Constitution, he is not president.

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Jan 21

Rendell Finishes Seizure-Stricken Ted Kennedy’s Meal

rendellWASHINGTON – Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell reports that he finished Senator Ted Kennedy’s lunch when the iconic Massachusetts lawmaker was stricken with a seizure during an inaugural luncheon yesterday.

“They would just throw it away, and I hate to see good food wasted,” Rendell explained.

Rendell also finished off Senator Robert Byrd’s meal after he was forced to leave the luncheon due to ill health.

Rendell said that all the meals were “delicious.”  He added that he hopes Senators Kennedy and Byrd “are doing OK.”

Jan 21

Obama Takes Oath of Office; Rise of Oceans Begins to Slow

ocean2

Jan 21

Obama Invites His Mother-in-Law, “A Few Other Relatives” to Live at White House

obamafamily

Jan 21

Obama’s Speech Leaves Crowd Riveted

speechyawn

Jan 21

Biden Shushes Wife on Oprah: “Never Tell Anybody Outside the Family What You’re Thinking Again”

joe-and-jillWASHINGTON – Jill Biden, Vice President Joe Biden’s wife, let it slip on The Oprah Winfrey Show that her husband had the choice of being either vice president or Secretary of State.

Mr. Biden angrily stopped his wife. “Wait a minute,” he said disgustedly. An awkward silence dampened the show’s witty repartee.  The camera cut to quick close-ups of the faces of Clemenza, Tom Hagen and Solozzo, also known as “The Turk,” a top narcotics man. Their looks signaled that Mrs. Biden had just made a significant faux pas.

Mr. Biden turned to Oprah: “I have a sentimental weakness for my wife and I’ve spoiled her, as you can see. She talks when she should listen.” 

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Jan 21

Obama’s Mother-in-Law Takes Air Force One to Chicago for Tuesday Night Bingo

obamas-mother-in-lawWASHINGTON – Only hours after taking the oath of office, President Barack Obama was forced to deal with the first scandal of his administration when his mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, ordered Air Force One to take her home to Chicago so she could attend her regular Tuesday night bingo game.

“I don’t know how this could have happened,” said an irritated President Obama. “I thought she was watching a ‘Murder, She Wrote’ marathon on the Hallmark Channel with the Vice President over at his place. This is gonna be a long four years.”

According to White House phone logs, Mrs. Robinson began calling Air Force One personnel shortly after the inauguration ceremony concluded.

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Jan 21

Obama: “It is Accomplished”

obamascensionAlmost two million crowd Capitol, witness Obamascension

Jan 20

Bush Does Not Comprehend that He’s “Out” as of Noon

photo-one-bush1WASHINGTON – In a televised address last night that pundits billed as his “farewell,” President Bush gave every indication that he does not realize he will relinquish the presidency to Barack Obama at noon today.

Bush announced he was leaving on vacation for a week and then would be back in the Oval Office “to tackle this economic downturn head on.” Bush said: “It’s going to take a long time to turn it around, but I’m in for the long haul.”

Vice President Cheney later told a reporter that he has repeatedly tried to explain to Bush that his administration ends on January 20, “but all I get from him is a blank stare.”

Cheney said that Bush will continue to “govern” from a make-believe Oval Office in a hospital in Crawford, Texas, where he’ll be watched around the clock by a team of doctors.

Jan 20

Inaugural Visitors Urged to Stay Away from D.C. Crime Spots, Especially Ford’s Theater

photo-two-fords-theaterWASHINGTON – Local police are urging the millions of visitors expected to arrive in Washington, D.C. for Barack Obama’s inauguration to be aware of the city’s high crime rate and to avoid dangerous neighborhoods.

Topping the list of places to avoid is Ford’s Theater where, police warn, visitors could be shot by a deranged actor, especially if they are wearing a stovepipe hat.

Jan 20

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