Blagojevich Ousted by Illinois Senate 59-0; Ex-Governor Rips Legislators for Running Up the Score, Not Invoking Mercy Rule

blagojevich

Jan 30

Jerome Bettis Asks Pope to Intercede for His Old Team, the Pittsburgh Steelers

pope20and20bus_8“They don’t need my help, my son. They’ve already received the blessing of a higher power — President Obama.”

Jan 30

Springsteen Dedicates Super Bowl Half-Time Performance to Woody Guthrie, Ricardo Montalban

bruce-springsteen-1TAMPA – Bruce Springsteen held his own Super Bowl press conference yesterday and told reporters he was dedicating his half-time performance to the memories of Woody Guthrie and Ricardo Montalban.

“The NFL has asked me to play songs that are not only unfamiliar to the average viewer, but that contain lyrical content many people could find offensive. I said I’d be happy to oblige.”

Mr. Springsteen added that he was excited about performing at what has become the closest thing America has to a national party. “In this venue, with this crowd, I want to sing something that is going to bring up the people and bring up the mood. That’s why I’ll be playing the music of everybody’s favorite dust-bowl minstrel, Woody Guthrie.”

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Jan 30

Van Cliburn Breaks Silence, is “Pissed” that Super Bowl Half-Time Show Bypassed Him for 43rd Time

cliburn1_0FORT WORTH – Famed classical pianist Van Cliburn broke his silence today about being bypassed for the 43rd time to perform at the Super Bowl half-time show.Cliburn, who shot to international stardom in 1958 after winning the International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition in Moscow, denounced the Super Bowl selection process as corrupt.

“This latest snub reminds me of something Premier Khrushchev said to me one time,” Cliburn said. “The Premier put his hands on my shoulder and said, ‘Van, the world — it is filled with pricks, Van.’”

“I didn’t know it at the time, but now I realize he was referring to Super Bowl officials. If he were alive today, I am sure Premier Khrushchev would have insisted that I be the featured half-time performer, under threat of nuclear attack. At best, Mr. Bruce Springsteen would be my back-up, I am certain.”

Jan 30

Death of John Updike Casts Black Cloud Over Super Bowl Media Day

uodikeTAMPA – The death of noted author John Updike cast a pall over Super Bowl Media day sessions, as players and coaches alike struggled to deal with the loss while at the same time preparing for Sunday’s world championship football game.

News of Mr. Updike’s passing spread quickly across the dais where members of the Pittsburgh Steelers defensive backfield were fielding questions from members of the press.

“”Excuse me for a moment,” said cornerback Ike Taylor. “I’ve just been informed that John Updike, novelist and keen observer of the American middle class for over fifty years, has died.”

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Jan 29

Clinton Speaks at State Department, Kicks Off 2012 Campaign

hillarystate

Jan 29

Local Girl Calls Obama Inauguration, Jonas Brothers Concert “Life Altering Events”

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Jan 29

David Irving in Hot Water Again: Denies Horrors Inflicted on Gingerbread Men

Jan 29

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Buy it today, get it in time for the big game.

Jan 28

Hero Pilot’s Wife Tells All: “In Bed, He Talks Like He’s Flying a Plane!”

photo-one-sullenberger1DANVILLE, CALIFORNIA – Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, the heroic pilot who miraculously landed a US Airways jet into the Hudson River, talks like a pilot in bed, said his wife, Lorrie Sullenberger, on Larry King Live last night.

“He starts off the same way every time, speaking in that calm, Pilot’s monotone,” she said. “‘We’re next for takeoff,’ is the way he puts it.”

“Then it’s always, ‘We’re in for a little turbulence until I can get it up to a higher altitude, so I’m going to turn on the fasten seat belt sign.’”

“Then we’re going along smoothly, and he has to interrupt it with, ‘Ah, If you look to your left, you’ll see the clock radio over there on the nightstand. And you may be able to see that it glows in the dark.’”

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Jan 28

Disgraced Pastor Ted Haggard: “My Low Point Was Lusting After Larry King”

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Jan 28

Obama Publishes First Presidential Memoir

prezdreamspostRandom House announces follow-up, to be published next month

Jan 28

“My Special Guest Tonight: Heather Mills”

larry20king

Jan 28

Local Man Denies He Killed 7, Poisoned 490

bobfloppyhat2“They got the wrong guy,” says plumber Sal Monella

PITTSBURGH – Now that he’s been blamed for seven deaths in three states, a local man says he has no choice but to speak up and try to clear his name.

“I didn’t kill anybody,” said Sal Monella, 47, of Bloomfield. “I’ve never been to Virginia, I’ve never been to Minnesota, and I don’t even like peanut butter. They got the wrong guy.”

Monella, a master plumber who says his business has declined 73% since authorities linked him to the poisonings of more than 490 people nationwide, wants the world to know he’s innocent. “I wouldn’t hurt a fly — unless it was clogging your pipes.”

Monella says he hopes the investigation, with which he is cooperating, will be over soon, so he can prove his innocence and get back to full-time work. “My name is my reputation,” Monella said. “I can’t stand the thought of it being tainted.”

Jan 27

Geithner Sworn In Using Bible of Tax Cheat Al Capone

geithner

Jan 27

Circumcision Clinic Hit by Recession, Warns Employees, Patients to Expect Cuts

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Jan 27

Al Qaeda to Lay Off Five Thousand, Additional Cuts Expected

bin_laden_1PESHAWAR – Osama Bin Laden, founder and chairman of Al Qaeda, the worldwide leader in terror and terror-based industries, announced yesterday that the group will lay off up to five thousand members by the end of the month.

The cuts are spread across every sector of the organization, including bombmakers, sword-sharpeners, eye-gouging technicians, limb disposal units and videographers. 

Mr. Bin Laden said that Al Qaeda would provide up to six weeks of health care for former employees and their families, as well as counseling services. A plan to offer tuition reimbursement for those seeking retraining or additional terror schooling will be unveiled next week.

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Jan 27

Pope Accused of Adding Fake Comments to Holy See’s YouTube Site

Bush US Europe VaticanVATICAN CITY – Hours after launching a slick You Tube channel in an effort to use technology to reach a younger audience, Pope Benedict XVI came under fire for adding fake comments to the site using made-up names. The comments praised both the site and the Pontiff.

Experts say seventy-one of the seventy-four comments posted within two hours of the site’s launch emanated from the Pope’s personal IP address.

One of the fake comments, signed by “Axel,” said:  “Bravo!  You are the greatest Pope ever!  Rah! Rah!  Rah!  Much better than the Polish one.”  Another comment, purportedly posted by “Buffalo, U.S.,” said: “Now, finally, I, a young person of the Faith, will become holy and will start going to Mass each and every Sunday because now, finally, the church is speaking to me, dude.”

Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi said the Pope was “very sorry” that he posted the fake comments. “Pope Benedict did not understand” that comments are supposed to be legitimate, Father Lombardi explained. “The Pontiff became so caught up in the fun and mischief of the Internet that he assumed it was commonplace to take on fake identities and enter into a world of pretend.”

Jan 26

Obama Meets With Mary Worth to Discuss Ways to Revive Economy

mary_worth_my_humpsWASHINGTON - Faced with mounting opposition from Republican leaders in Congress to his proposed stimulus package and a dire economic prognosis from his top advisors, President Obama met today with the one American capable of providing an effective, sensible solution: Mary Worth.

“I know Mary’s been busy lately, helping to persuade an old friend to change his overbearing behavior in his daughter’s life and to see the error of his ways, but when I called, she came,” the President said.

Ms. Worth and Mr. Obama met over coffee and cake in the Oval Office. “You know, this must be the nine millionth time I’ve sat down with someone and dispensed my homespun wisdom and folksy bromides over coffee and cake to help solve a problem, but this visit may be my most satisfying,” said Ms. Worth. “If the President heeds my advice, we’ll be out of this mess in two to three panels, er, days.”

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Jan 26

Ford Eschews Bailout Money, Offers Up Financial Woes for Suffering Souls in Purgatory

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Jan 26

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