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Dec 22

Saint Paul’s Long Lost Letter to Thessalonians Finally Delivered, Insufficient Postage Blamed for Delay

saint-paulTHESSALONIA, Ohio - A letter from Saint Paul to the Thessalonians finally arrived at its apparent destination, two thousand years late.

“We’ve been waiting for this for a long time,” said Thessalonia Mayor Hubert P. Goodsimple, clutching the tattered, yellowed note.  ”When the mailman handed the envelope to me, and I saw the handwriting in the upper left corner, I figured it had to be from Saint Paul. Then I saw the postmark from Tarsus, and I said to myself, ‘Ah ha!  I knew I was right!’”  

Mayor Goodsimple promised to have a public reading of the letter “soon,” and in the meantime gave it to an aide and ordered him to write a memorandum summarizing the important parts. “I’m tied up in meetings all day with the Rotary Club and am really pressed for time,” he explained.

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Dec 22

Coming Soon to a Theater Near You

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Dec 22

Tattletale Mark “Deep Throat” Felt Dead at 95

feltObituary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

Traitorous FBI agent W. Mark Felt, who in 2005 slithered out from the excrement of prevarication that encrusted his wretched being to reveal that he was the “Deep Throat” of Watergate fame, is dead, finally, at 95.

The liberal elite, who for 35 years sought to dupe Western Civilization into thinking that the Watergate cover-up and rampant criminality of the Nixon administration were somehow “wrong,” staunchly opposed any felony charges being brought against turncoat Felt for betraying the commander in chief.  

No less a moral authority than G. Gordon Liddy declared Felt guilty of violating the ethics of the law enforcement profession when he fed information to Bob Woodward that helped topple the Nixon administration.  (It is, of course, completely beside the point that Felt was sneaking around parking garages with Woodward because of the criminal actions of Liddy and his ilk, not to mention the President of the United States.)

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Dec 19

Obama Defends Choice of Gibson

obamagibson3Jewish advocacy groups say pick shows “deep level of chutzpah”

WASHINGTON, DC – President-elect Barack Obama yesterday defended his choice of a popular anti-Semitic filmmaker to direct a feature-length documentary of his inauguration, rejecting critics who say the pick slights Jews.

The selection of Mel Gibson brought objections from Jewish advocacy groups, who strongly supported Obama during the election. The advocates are angry over Gibson’s direction of “The Passion of the Christ,” his father’s infamous Holocaust denials, and his plans to star in the upcoming “Lethal Weapon 5: The Final Solution.”

But Obama told reporters that America “needs to come together,” even when there is disagreement on “issues like the equality and possible extermination of certain ethnicities.” 

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Dec 19

Reverend Wright Delivers Christmas Message to Congregation: “God Damn Ye, Merry Gentlemen!”

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Dec 19

Revealed: Obama Routinely Undergoes “Memory Procedure” After Meeting With Anyone From Chicago

eternalreviseda1CHICAGO – Insiders on the Obama transition team say that President- elect Obama routinely undergoes a controversial procedure that erases all memories of human interaction immediately after meeting with anyone from Chicago. 

The procedure is administered by technicians of Lacuna, Inc., which claims to have developed a “cutting-edge, non-surgical procedure for the focused erasure of troubling memories.”

A representative of the Obama team who asked not to be identified explained that Obama undergoes the procedure because “the American people want the President-elect to profess that he has no involvement with ‘shady’ characters who might distract from his historic mission of bringing change to our corrupt political system.”

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Dec 18

Hands Transplant Patient Meets, Slaps Face of Face Transplant Patient

WASHINGTON - At the annual National Institutes of Health Christmas Party last night, Carol Murray, the world’s first hands transplant patient, used her new hands to slap the face of Chad Hermann, the world’s first face transplant patient.

Ms. Murray’s transplanted hands formerly belonged to the wife of the man who donated Mr. Hermanns’ face. That marriage ended unhappily, allegedly because of the face donor’s repeated indiscretions.

Immediately after Ms. Murray was introduced to Mr. Hermann, her new hands began slapping his face. The other guests watched in horrified silence.

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Dec 18

Herod, Salome Still Arguing Over Placement of Head in Royal Living Room

johnthebaptistJERUSALEM – King Herod the Great and Salome are still at odds over where to place the head of the late John the Baptist.

“She’s driving me crazy,” said the exasperated monarch. “We try it on the mantle over the fireplace, she doesn’t like it. We put it on the coffee table, she says it doesn’t work. We had it on an end table next to my recliner, but she said if we keep it there we’re going to have to rearrange all of the furniture. I give up!”

The lovely Salome, who owns and operates her own interpretive dance studio downtown, said patience was the key.

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Dec 18

Hearing Impaired Actor Lou Ferrigno, Playing the “Night Wind,” Misses Cue in Performance of “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

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Dec 18

Obama Reverses Bush Holiday Executive Order: Feliz Navidad Need Not Be Sung in English

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Dec 18

Actor Robert Wagner Calls For Natalie Wood Inquest to be Reopened, Claims DNA Evidence Points to Loony Department Store Santa

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Dec 18

The Perfect Gift

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Dec 17

Carbolic Countdown

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Dec 17

And Now We Continue With Our Exclusive Christmas Coverage

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Dec 17

Local Blockhead to Tormentors: “Payback’s a Bitch”

charliebrowntree5b15dDULUTH - Charles Brown, the prematurely balding, universally reviled boy who can do nothing right, withdrew from his position as director of the Christmas play last evening.

Mr Brown cited “creative differences” with the entire cast and crew in his letter of resignation, and swore vengeance on those who have made his holiday season miserable.

“I may not understand the meaning of Christmas, ” said Brown, last seen trudging along a snow-lined boulevard carrying a sniper’s rifle and a box of ammunition. “But I understand this: payback’s a bitch, and pretty soon, Lucy and Violet and Freida are going to understand it, too.”

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Dec 17

Study: “Chicken Soup For the Soul” Actually Corrodes, Destroys Soul

13967733NEW HAVEN - A study released today by the New England Journal of Medicine supports the growing belief among physicians that “Chicken Soup For The Soul” is a prescription for disaster.

“The conclusions reached by this study prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that chicken soup is far from a nourishing, soul-strengthening agent,” said Dr. Joseph Dunn. “In fact, it is the exact opposite: a corrosive, destructive force, a bringer-of-soul death, if you will. And all the while we’ve been giving this stuff to troubled teenagers thinking it would make them feel better,” he added, shaking his head.

The study was conducted over a three month period using two groups of mice. Only one group of mice had souls. After observing the effects of ingesting the bromides and heart-warming anecdotes contained in “Chicken Soup For The Soul” administered to those mice with souls, researchers determined that in every instance the mice actually lost soul.

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Dec 16

Today’s Carbolic Trib pm Page

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Read it here.

Dec 15

Carbolic Exclusive Photo: First Look at Man Accused of Throwing Shoes at Bush

shoelessjoeAlleged assailant insists it “ain’t so” 
 

Dec 15

Detroit Lions Sign Journalist Who Threw Shoes at Bush

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Dec 15

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