Wal-Mart Apologizes for Lack of Cyber Monday Shopping Fatalities

BENTONVILLE, AR – Cyber Monday, traditionally the biggest online shopping day of the year, fell far short of expectations yesterday, and industry analysts blamed Wal-Mart for failing to jump-start the buying with deals worth killing for.

“That Long Island stampede set the tone for a great Black Friday,” said Tepper School of Business Financial Economics Professor Cornelius Dunn. “Without a similar flashpoint to crystallize economic urgency and stimulate homicidal demand, Cyber Monday just couldn’t measure up.”  A spokesman for the Arkansas-based retail giant agreed with Dunn’s assessment and acknowledged that Wal-Mart “could have done much more” to incite an online buying frenzy.

“We apologize to our customers, and to the American people, for our failure to sell products at prices so low they endanger our employees,” said Wal-Mart executive Noah Swayne. “If we’d offered a few more value bundles and keyboard busters yesterday, we could have made a difference for the holidays, for the economy, and for the grieving families of our workers.”

“A couple of crashed servers and an electrocuted IT tech or two would have been a small price to pay for rock-bottom prices and increased shareholder value,” Professor Dunn added.

Dec 2