“He’s like the son I always wanted.”
ST. PAUL – Prominent progressive blogger Markos Moulitsas today broke the shocking news that the infant son of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin does not suffer from Down syndrome but is, in fact, an alien.
In a blog post entitled, “So much for human-only reproduction,” Moulitsas downplayed the theory, given ample coverage on his web site this weekend, that the child was actually born to Palin’s 17-year-old daughter, Bristol. ”I don’t think the evidence is there to claim Trig is Bristol’s son,” Moulitsas wrote, “but a second rumor floating around Alaskan crop circles turns out to have been true: the little bastard is an alien.”
Moulitsas’ report included a shocking family photo, apparently smuggled out of the governor’s mansion by a disgruntled nursemaid, that shows Palin cradling her bug-eyed, antennaed baby in a space-age thermal blanket.
#3: Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man with Olympic Torch
NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared for a short time on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members, including some of the most respected persons in the world, taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.
A spokesman for the FBI said the incident, which occurred in San Francisco last March, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.” Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop. The man’s fate is not known, and the FBI is concerned he may have sustained physical injuries in the assault.
YouTube’s staff acted quickly to remove the video after it was flagged by several viewers, but not before it was seen more than 6,000 times.
“We’re realigning structure to make the family unit more efficient and responsive, and to more strategically position our household for success in today’s challenging economic environment,” said Chief Operating Father Cornelius Dunn
CAPE CANAVERAL – A satellite photo taken last week revealed that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the surface of the moon in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.
NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface.
“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Griffin explained. “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”
OTTAWA – Greyhound Lines said it is pulling hundreds of billboard advertisements in the wake of a gruesome attack in which a passenger was stabbed, gutted and beheaded by his seat mate.
The scrapped ads lauded Greyhound travel as “serene, carefree, and without any beheadings.”
“It’s a shame, because we thought it was our best ad campaign ever,” a Greyhound spokeswoman said. “We might be able to salvage the billboards by changing the text to ‘without any electrocutions,’ or ‘without any impalements.’ As far as we’ve been able to determine, both of those statements are true, as of this morning.”
BEIJING – Police arrested a man identified as Aquaman of Atlantis, defender of the earth’s oceans, after he burst out of the same pool where swimming sensation Michael Phelps had just won his record eighth gold medal and blindsided Mr. Phelps, knocking him to the ground. Mr. Aquaman then dragged Mr. Phelps back into the water while taunting him to race.
“Just you and me, chump,” Mr. Aquaman shouted as he dunked Mr. Phelps’ head under the water. “Right now. Just you and me. Let’s see how fast you really are.”
Chinese police officers quickly circled the melee and, after a violent struggle, snared Mr. Aquaman in a net.
NEW YORK – Former Texas Senator Phil Graham was summoned to the George Washington Bridge yesterday afternoon to try to talk down Noah Swayne, 33, who was perched high above the Hudson River preparing to jump.
Swayne, married and the father of three, was depressed because he had lost his job last month in an economic downturn.
The New York Police Department asked Gramm to assist in the hope that he would impart some “tough love” to the would-be jumper and convince him not to whine about the loss of his job. Gramm made headlines last week when he was forced to step down as an advisor to the McCain campaign because of his comments that America had become a “nation of whiners” about the economy.
#10: Walt Disney Furious with Miley Cyrus Over Racy Photos; Cryogenically-Preserved Mogul Defrosted to Meet with Pop Sensation
ORLANDO - Public outrage over racy photos of Disney channel teen sensation Miley Cyrus has forced The Walt Disney Company to schedule an emergency defrosting of founder, animation icon Walt Disney. Once he is sufficiently thawed, Mr. Disney is scheduled to meet with Ms. Cyrus to discuss possible ways of dealing with what has become a public relations nightmare.
Dr. Michael Bucholz, Chief of Cryogenics at Disney, said Ms. Cyrus’ refusal to acknowledge the harm she has done to the company’s reputation forced the hand of Disney executives. “Perhaps three hours in a conference room with the corpse of the man responsible for her career will bring her back to her senses.”
The controversy over the photos of Ms. Cyrus, which appear in the most recent issue of Vanity Fair, threatens to cost the company millions of dollars in lost revenue if parents decide Ms. Cyrus no longer projects a suitably wholesome image for their children.
ZURICH – Tonight, at 11:59:59 pm Universal Time, atomic clocks around the world will add one second to the day to keep time in sync with the earth’s rotation.
Scientists are urging that people use the extra second to spend quality time with a loved one.
“What a rare opportunity,” said scientist Dr. Noah Swayne. “It’s amazing what one can accomplish in just one second.” Sitting nearby, Dr. Swayne’s wife, Velveeta, shot him a disgusted glance and rolled her eyes. “That’s for sure,” she said.
Breaking News: Blagojevich Appoints Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Obama’s Replacement; Liberals Conflicted
Caroline Kennedy Bemoans Gender Double Standard: “As an Unqualified Female Senator, I’ll Have to Work Twice as Hard as a Qualified Man”
NEW YORK – Caroline Kennedy bemoaned the persistence of gender double standards when she told reporters today that if she is selected to fill a seat in the U.S. Senate, as an unqualified woman she will have to work twice as hard as a qualified man.
“It’s sad to think that in 2008, there is still a need for unqualified women to prove themselves,” Kennedy said. “Qualified men don’t have that problem. It’s certainly not fair to unqualified women, like me, but it’s the way it is.”
Kennedy also bemoaned the fact that as a U.S. Senator, she would be paid exactly the same as her male colleagues. “That’s not fair either, because as an unqualified woman, I will have to spend far more time on the job than they do.”
Jews, Muslims, Secular Humanists Convene Second Yalta Conference, Discuss Plans for Post-War-on-Christmas Reorganization
NEW YORK - Former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher issued a fatwa against Tennessee Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck after Bulluck stomped on a Terrible Towel at the conclusion of Sunday afternoon’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Mr. Cowher issued the fatwa from his chair on the set of The NFL Today. “It is the sacred duty of every good Steeler fan, of every member of Steelers nation, to kill Keith Bulluck,” he said in a serene voice.
“To defile a sacred relic such as the Towel is to forfeit one’s life. So it is written, so it shall be done.”