Monthly Archives: December 2008

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Posted in Carbolic News

#1: God Endorses Obama

“He’s like the son I always wanted.”

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Posted in Politics, Religion

#2: Sarah Palin’s Baby is an Alien!

ST. PAUL – Prominent progressive blogger Markos Moulitsas today broke the shocking news that the infant son of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin does not suffer from Down syndrome but is, in fact, an alien.   In a blog post entitled,

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Posted in Archival Reports

#3: Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man with Olympic Torch

NEW YORK – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared for a short time on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members, including some of the most

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Posted in International News, Sports

#4: Local Family Lays Off Three Children

“We’re realigning structure to make the family unit more efficient and responsive, and to more strategically position our household for success in today’s challenging economic environment,” said Chief Operating Father Cornelius Dunn 

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Posted in Extras

#5: Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets!

CAPE CANAVERAL – A satellite photo taken last week revealed that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the surface of the moon in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets. NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said he is “very

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Posted in Science

#6: Greyhound Scraps Ad Campaign Touting “No Beheadings”

OTTAWA – Greyhound Lines said it is pulling hundreds of billboard advertisements in the wake of a gruesome attack in which a passenger was stabbed, gutted and beheaded by his seat mate. The scrapped ads lauded Greyhound travel as “serene, carefree, and without

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Posted in Business

#7: Obama Touches Liberty Bell, Heals Crack

Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

#8: Aquaman, Defender of the Earth’s Oceans, Arrested for Assaulting Michael Phelps

BEIJING – Police arrested a man identified as Aquaman of Atlantis, defender of the earth’s oceans, after he burst out of the same pool where swimming sensation Michael Phelps had just won his record eighth gold medal and blindsided Mr. Phelps, knocking him to the

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Posted in Sports

#9: Former Sen. Phil Gramm Tries to Talk Would-Be Jumper Out of Whining About the Economy

NEW YORK – Former Texas Senator Phil Graham was summoned to the George Washington Bridge yesterday afternoon to try to talk down Noah Swayne, 33, who was perched high above the Hudson River preparing to jump.   Swayne, married and the father of

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

#10: Walt Disney Furious with Miley Cyrus Over Racy Photos; Cryogenically-Preserved Mogul Defrosted to Meet with Pop Sensation

ORLANDO - Public outrage over racy photos of Disney channel teen sensation Miley Cyrus has forced The Walt Disney Company to schedule an emergency defrosting of founder, animation icon Walt Disney.  Once he is sufficiently thawed, Mr. Disney is scheduled to meet

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Posted in Entertainment

Scientists Urge World to Use Extra Second By Spending Quality Time With Loved Ones

ZURICH – Tonight, at 11:59:59 pm Universal Time, atomic clocks around the world will add one second to the day to keep time in sync with the earth’s rotation. Scientists are urging that people use the extra second to spend quality time

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Posted in Science

Breaking News: Blagojevich Appoints Rev. Jeremiah Wright as Obama’s Replacement; Liberals Conflicted

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Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Caroline Kennedy Bemoans Gender Double Standard: “As an Unqualified Female Senator, I’ll Have to Work Twice as Hard as a Qualified Man”

NEW YORK – Caroline Kennedy bemoaned the persistence of gender double standards when she told reporters today that if she is selected to fill a seat in the U.S. Senate, as an unqualified woman she will have to work twice as hard as a qualified man. “It’s

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Posted in Gender News, Politics

Illinois Senator’s Seat: Just 24 Minutes Remain to Bid on eBay

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Posted in Politics

Biden: “Shirtless Obama Photos Turned Me Gay!”

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Posted in Gender News, Politics

Steelers’ Roethlisberger to Go Casual in Meaningless Season Finale vs. Browns

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Posted in Sports

From the Entire Staff of Carbolic Smoke Ball: Merry Christmas!

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Posted in Christmas

Jews, Muslims, Secular Humanists Convene Second Yalta Conference, Discuss Plans for Post-War-on-Christmas Reorganization

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Posted in Christmas, International News

Former Coach Issues Fatwa Against Tennessee Linebacker for Defiling Terrible Towel

NEW YORK - Former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher issued a fatwa against Tennessee Titans linebacker Keith Bulluck after Bulluck stomped on a Terrible Towel at the conclusion of Sunday afternoon’s game against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Mr. Cowher issued the fatwa from

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Posted in Sports
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