Tools Lost in Space by Shuttle Astronaut Turn Up in Old “Star Trek” Episode

CAPE CANAVERAL – The tools that accidentally floated away from a space-walking shuttle astronaut into the dark abyss of space yesterday were identified by fans of the original “Star Trek” series as the same tools used by Lt. Commander Montgomery “Scotty” Scott in episode 28, “The City on the Edge of Forever,” originally broadcast in 1967.

When “Trekkies,” fans of the cult television series, alerted NASA that the tools lost by astronaut Heide Stefanyshyn-Piper were the same ones used in the “Star Trek” episode, NASA scientists matched the serial numbers and other identifying characteristics and concluded they were correct — those are the same tools.

NASA scientist Dr. Noah Swayne said he was not surprised by the discovery. “After all, ‘Star Trek’ is set in the 23rd Century, so those tools had 200 plus years to find their way onto the Starship Enterprise.” This is not the first time that an object lost in space in present day has turned up in an old television show set in the future, Dr. Swayne explained. “The robot’s head in ‘Lost in Space’ was actually a light fixture from the men’s room of the Apollo XV command module.”

Nov 20

Obama, Joe the Plumber Discuss Drain Problems in White House Shower

CHICAGO – President-elect Barack Obama met with Joe the Plumber at his Hyde Park residence yesterday to discuss issues of plumbing and national security. The two men chatted behind closed doors for over two hours before meeting with reporters.

Mr. Obama said he needed Joe’s help with a potentially messy trouble spot. “I noticed when President Bush was giving me a tour of the White House last week that the drain in the shower off the Lincoln bedroom appeared to be slow,” said Mr. Obama. “President Bush and I tried to clean out the trap with a wire hanger, but the water still wouldn’t go down. The President suggested I give Joe a call, and I’m sure glad I did.”

For his part, Joe the Plumber was typically gracious. “You know, for a dirty socialist who wants to redistribute our hard-earned money and spread it around to a bunch of do-nothing welfare cheats, Obama’s not a bad guy.”

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Nov 20

Obama Announces First Phase of Economic Recovery Plan: The Penny of Hope


“It’s the change we need,” said the President-Elect

Nov 19

“Twilight” Tells Tale of Forbidden Love

HOLLYWOOD – This weekend, young people across America are expected to flock to see “Twilight,” the story of a girl who falls madly in love with a vampire.

Unlike other films of the genre, the heroine is unafraid of her boyfriend’s bloodthirsty needs, and she wants to be just like him.

“Twilight” is the story of how the Clintons met.

Nov 19

Cash-Strapped GM to Salvage Self With “Bachelor Auction” of Assembly-Line Slobs

Union contracts forbid the hiring of anyone good-looking

Nov 19

“Alright, I’ve got to sneak in a commercial break, but we’ll be right back with our guest, John McCain, here on the Arsenio Hall Show.”

Nov 19

Carbolic Opinion Poll

Nov 19

Supreme Court Overturns 2000 Election, Declares Al Gore President

WASHINGTON – In a stunning and unexpected ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court reversed its 2000 decision Bush v. Gore, which effectively gave George Bush the presidency over Al Gore despite contested voting results in Florida.

The reversal means Al Gore is entitled to four years as president, effective immediately. The Court’s decision stunned Barack Obama, who was planning on becoming President in January.

“No one is more surprised than I am,” Gore explained. “To be honest, I’m not really sure if I want the job any more.”

Nov 18

Warren Commission Reconvened to Investigate Bizarre 11-10 Steelers Victory

WASHINGTON – The Warren Commission was reconvened for the first time in 44 years last night to investigate Sunday’s bizarre 11-10 Pittsburgh Steelers win over the San Diego Chargers. The game was marred by an officiating snafu when a referee misinterpreted a replay official’s call for a review of a pass and then made the wrong call, resulting in his disallowing a Troy Polamalu fumble return for a touchdown that would have given the Steelers a 17-10 victory.

After hearing testimony for two days, including claims by several bystanders that a second quarterback was positioned on the grassy knoll, the Warren Commission met for over three hours before concluding: “The referees did not conspire to make the wrong call in the Steelers-Chargers game; Jack Ruby had no prior relationship with either Troy Polamalu or Lee Harvey Oswald; and Mr. Oswald acted alone, without conspirators, in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.”

The members of the Commission were happy to be together again. “I can’t wait to present our findings personally to President Johnson,” said 115-year-old former CIA Director Allen W. Dulles. The Chairman of the Commission, former U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren, 117, needed help getting up from his chair, but managed to joke about it. “Don’t forget,” the grand old man joked, “I reached retirement age back in 1956.”

Nov 18

Bush Consoles Victims of California Wildfires: “I Will Get the Man Who Did This”

Nov 18

Bush, Citing Executive Privilege, Refuses to Lower Toilet Seat; First Lady Incensed

WASHINGTON – Domestic counselors shuttled back and forth between the Executive Residence and the Oval Office yesterday in an attempt to quell a White House dispute between the President and First Lady Laura Bush. Anonymous sources within the Bush administration reporting that tensions stem from the President’s increasing reluctance to lower the toilet seat after emptying the contents of his bladder.

“He’s leaving the seat up everywhere he goes,” said one staffer. “When Mrs. Bush calls him on it, he claims executive privilege.” The staffer told of a recent incident when a drowsy First Lady awoke in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and, beginning her descent without looking, plunged deep into the bowl. “The shrieks sent Secret Service agents into a panic,” he said.

Presidential historian Michael Beschloss said use of executive privilege is normally invoked for matters of national security, or to preserve national unity. “However, there is some agreement among contemporary scholars that it is perfectly acceptable for a President to use it in order to keep his wife off his back.”

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Nov 18

Eagles, Bengals Still Deadlocked; Outcome to be Decided by U.S. Supreme Court

Roger Goodell, Katherine Harris call halt to game; Andy Reid, Marvin Lewis to make oral arguments on constitutionality of ties in the NFL

Nov 17

Vick Eyes NFL Comeback, Promises to “Work Like a Dog” For Team That Signs Him

“If I don’t play well, you can electrocute me.”

Nov 17

Number of Children Abandoned Under Nebraska’s Safe Haven Law Jumps From 34 to 852 When Father Flanagan Drops Off Orphans From Boys Town at Local Hospital

OMAHA – Father Edward J. Flanagan, director of internationally renown orphanage Boys Town, took advantage of Nebraska’s safe haven law, which allows parents or guardians to abandon children at Nebraska hospitals without fear of prosecution, when he dropped off at a local hospital all 818 children in residence at his orphanage.

Prior to Father Flanagan’s unexpected move, 34 children under the age of 18 had been legally abandoned at Nebraska hospitals. The total is now 852.

At 8:15 yesterday morning, a caravan of school buses pulled up in front of Our Lady of Spiro Agnew Hospital in Omaha, and Father Flanagan hopped off the first bus. Witnesses say Flanagan was “downright giddy,” rubbing his hands together and laughing. He told befuddled hospital workers that “the kids are your responsibility now. It was either this or bankruptcy, so they boys had to go. This will give me a chance to reorganize and turn Boys Town into something profitable, like a Walgreens.”

Nov 17

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Carbolic Smoke Ball Presents ZOMBIES ATE MY HEADLINES

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Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Nov 15

Corleone Family Consigliere Tom Hagen Tapped for Attorney General

WASHINGTON, DC – President-elect Obama’s choice of Corleone family attorney Tom Hagen for Attorney General is drawing fire, as House Republicans openly complain that Hagen not only is incapable of compromise but will resort to any lengths, including murder, to achieve his objectives.

“Mr. Hagen comes off as a reasonable human being, but he’s not beyond placing a horse’s severed head in the bed of a rival who disagrees with him,” said House Republican leader John Boehner of Ohio. Boehner was referring to rumors that have circulated for years that Hagen once masterminded placing the head of slain race horse Khartoum in the bed of movie mogul Jack Woltz to convince Woltz to cast singer Johnny Fontaine, godson of the late Vito Corleone, in a motion picture set in World War II.

“The Obama camp talks a lot about the need to reach across the aisle.  My fear is, if I reach across to Hagen, I could lose my arm,” said Boehner.

Obama defended his selection, noting that Hagen “can be a tough partisan but he knows how to get things done. To my way of thinking, Tom Hagen is truly a wartime consigliere.”

Nov 14

Congress Considers Bailout Package for Detroit Lions

WASHINGTON, DC – Congressional leaders of both parties huddled behind closed doors on Capitol Hill today in an attempt to work out a bailout package for the Detroit Lions. Items being discussed include giving the Lions a four touchdown lead prior to kickoff in all remaining games, forcing Lions’ opponents to play at least one half of each game wearing blindfolds, and taking the best players from teams enjoying a bye week and adding them to the Lions’ roster.

Detroit owner William Clay Ford, who was observed leaving the Senate office building with Democratic Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), told reporters that any one of those options would be helpful.  “Not a cure-all, for sure, but a good start.” 

By late yesterday, a deal appeared imminent. ”We’re hopeful we’ll be able to reach an agreement soon,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California). “But it is doubtful we’ll be able to have anything in place before Thanksgiving Day.”

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Nov 14

Treasury Secretary Paulson Changes Mind Again: “It Would Be Better If I Just Hold Onto the Money.”

WASHINGTON – Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has changed his mind again. In September, he said the Treasury Department needed $700 billion dollars to buy troubled assets. Earlier this week, Paulson said the Treasury Department would not buy troubled assets but would buy equity stakes in troubled companies.

This morning Paulson announced what he called his final position: “On careful review of the economy, It would be better if I just hold the money and use it as I deem appropriate.”

First, Paulson said he would use the money to support consumer debt “by outfitting my entertainment room with the latest technology.” Second, Paulson said he would forgive his credit debt for the swimming pool he purchased last summer “and thus simultaneously stimulate the economy and my heart by allowing me to have a hearty swim without worrying about paying for the pool.”

Nov 14

Bayh: Leiberman Must Apologize… or Else

WASHINGTON, DC – Sen. Evan Bayh yesterday called on Sen. Joe Lieberman to apologize for his campaign-season criticisms of Sen. Barack Obama, noting that freedom of speech and entitlement to one’s own opinion “are not consistent with the values of the Democratic party as it is presently constituted.”

Bayh said that stripping Lieberman of his chairmanship position on the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee would be “pretty good payback” for the Connecticut senator’s support of John McCain in the general election, and that it would also serve as a “shot across the bow” to any other prominent Democrats or Indepedents who “might be tempted to blaspheme” the Democratic President-Elect.

Speaking on MSNBC, Bayh suggested that Democrats should sternly warn Lieberman, “Look, we’re giving you a chance here, but if you don’t do the right things as chairman, and if we see any continuation of this kind of dangerous free thinking, you’ll wish you were never born — uh, I mean, elected.”

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Nov 14

New Mercedes-Benz Promotion Touted as “Final Solution” for Sagging SUV Sales

All 2009 G-Class models to come with free swastika armbands, 6-CD set of “Adolf Hitler’s Greatest Speeches” pre-loaded in the changer

Nov 13

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