“I’ll never be able to resurrect his reputation now,” said historian David McCullough. “I guess I’ll just have to write that biography of Millard Fillmore so many people have been clamoring for.”
Mr. Manson submits over nine-hundred petitions for executive clemency to the White House each month, according to a Manson family spokesman. “I guess one of them finally made it to the big guy’s desk,” she chuckled.
White House officials were at a loss to explain how Mr. Manson’s petition found its way into the mail delivered to the Oval Office. One source, who wished to remain anonymous, said the error was the result of a Justice Department practical joke that went awry.
“Unfortunately, pardoning a homicidal lunatic like Charlie Manson may not seem like such a funny joke if somebody gets hurt because of it, much less brutally maimed and killed.”
A somber White House Press secretary Dana Perino met with reporters. “The President thought he was signing a pardon for Michael Landon, absolving him of any wrongdoing for the creation and production of the execrable television series Highway to Heaven. He just didn’t read the pardon carefully enough.”
Ms. Perino explained that the President has been under a lot of stress lately. “He’s been signing everything that passes his desk like crazy so he can get out of here for Thanksgiving break.”