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You eat the turkey. We’ll eat the headlines.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE STAFF OF CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL.
WASHINGTON - The turkey pardoned by President Bush in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual yesterday thanked the President from his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors circulating in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.
“Let’s be honest: what could I offer the President in a deal? I’m just a turkey.”
The turkey revealed that he and Bush hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, it’s just a punchline.”
The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.
Arabs wonder, “What kind of Trojan Horse trick are those pesky Jews planning to pull now?”
Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Honorable Winthrop Peckham
Rejoice, my brothers, for the harvest is rich, and our men have labored mightily. My lone regret is that I was unable to participate in the back-breaking labors attendant to the harvest this year, inasmuch as I was felled by the gout, coincidentally, just as I was last year. But miraculously, now that the harvest is ended, I am entirely well, and I see that I shall not want this winter thanks to the labors of others.
Tonight, in profound THANKSGIVING for this bounty, I invite Squanto, he of the Patuxet tribe, and some 90 braves to join us for a feast of turkey, eel and fowl that I fervently pray will become an annual rite of thanksgiving for the gifts spread at our feet. I have resolved to call this annual rite “THE FEAST OF TURKEY, EEL AND FOWL.”
I anticipate that in years to come this feast will be celebrated with parades that include giant balloons, senseless family squabbling, inexplicable overeating, and the solidification of rigid gender roles which dictate that the women serve the men, who shall do nothing but eat and fart.
“Last week, I got my copy of ‘Zombies Ate My Headlines’ by those funny guys at Carbolic Smoke Ball… Honestly, I haven’t stopped laughing since. This stuff is better than The Onion.”
– Tony Norman, in today’s Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
WASHINGTON - President Bush accidentally issued a full pardon yesterday to convicted murderer Charles Manson in a move many scholars believe will blacken his administration’s legacy.
“I’ll never be able to resurrect his reputation now,” said historian David McCullough. “I guess I’ll just have to write that biography of Millard Fillmore so many people have been clamoring for.”
Mr. Manson submits over nine-hundred petitions for executive clemency to the White House each month, according to a Manson family spokesman. “I guess one of them finally made it to the big guy’s desk,” she chuckled.
“Do you know how much more money we’d have right now if the government were allowed to handle our savings instead of us doing it privately?” said Noah Swayne, worker.
Citibank execs: “As soon as we get the money, we’ll finally be known as ‘City Bank.’”
192 pages. 301 fake news items. 14 zombies.
One damned funny book.
____________________________
Read about it. Buy it from Amazon. Buy it from us.
WASHINGTON - Barack Obama shocked the nation during a televised news conference last night by revealing that he is a vampire.
The revelation came when Mr. Obama fielded a question from CBS news anchor Katie Couric. “Mr. President-elect, I want to ask you something personal. You’re impossibly fast, and strong. And of course you are brilliant. In fact, you’re not like any of the other guys in Washington. Many people are wondering if you are a . . . .”
“Say it,” Mr. Obama demanded.
“One was a youthful indiscretion; the other, a mortal sin,” said Vatican daily Osservatore Romano
“I will get the man who did this,” the President said
CHICAGO - President-elect Barack Obama will announce today that he is nominating Bill Ayers to head the newly formed Department of Domestic Terror, according to sources inside the Obama transition team.
The Department will have a major role in implementing the policies of the Obama administration, including overseeing government seizure of individuals’ 401K pension funds, as well as the arrest and imprisonment of radio talk-show hosts identified as enemies of the state.
Negotiations between representatives of Senator Obama and Mr. Ayers have been underway since last week’s annual Weather Underground Holiday Fashion Show and Luncheon at the Palmer House.
The wiry 90-year-old attempted to walk down the stairs end-over-end, but she tumbled, made a slinkity sound, and broke her neck.
Pittsburgh radio icons Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann said that and more about the brand-new Carbolic Smoke Ball book, ZOMBIES ATE MY HEADLINES, on yesterday’s WDVE Morning Show.
Hear their raves, find out more about the book, and be among the first to order your copy at Amazon.com or right here at the Carbolic Smoke Ball.
This Monday, the ZOMBIES rise. And walk. And make you laugh.
Otzi, the world’s oldest mummy preserved in a glacier for 5,300 years, was unthawed yesterday to cheer up his brother following McCain’s loss earlier this month to Barack Obama in the presidential election.
After physicians unfroze the mummy using hair dryers, Otzi groggily opened his eyes and immediately asked for a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate - venti.
McCain was ushered into the room and, according to Dr. Noah Swayne, the two brothers reminisced about the old days — “I mean the real old days, before there was language.”
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About Carbolic
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Carbolic on Air
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report airs every Friday — mornings with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann, afternoons with Sean McDowell — on Pittsburgh’s top-rated radio station, 102.5 WDVE. Listen to the broadcasts here, and sample the archives here.
Carbolic in Print
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Page publishes every Monday in the Trib p.m., the afternoon edition of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. Read this week's copy here, and browse our archives here.
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Carbolic Smoke Ball Staff
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