You eat the turkey. We’ll eat the headlines.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM THE STAFF OF CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL.

Nov 27

Bullwinkle Embroiled in Controversy: Republican National Committee Paid for His $150,000 Macy’s Day Parade Wardrobe

Nov 26

Carbolic Opinion Poll

Nov 26

The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Hiding Inside Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloons

Arabs wonder, “What kind of Trojan Horse trick are those pesky Jews planning to pull now?”

Nov 26


“Last week, I got my copy of ‘Zombies Ate My Headlines’ by those funny guys at Carbolic Smoke Ball… Honestly, I haven’t stopped laughing since. This stuff is better than The Onion.”
– Tony Norman, in today’s Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Nov 25

Bush Accidentally Pardons Manson; President Worried How Foul-Up Will Affect His Legacy

WASHINGTON – President Bush accidentally issued a full pardon yesterday to convicted murderer Charles Manson in a move many scholars believe will blacken his administration’s legacy.

“I’ll never be able to resurrect his reputation now,” said historian David McCullough. “I guess I’ll just have to write that biography of Millard Fillmore so many people have been clamoring for.”

Mr. Manson submits over nine-hundred petitions for executive clemency to the White House each month, according to a Manson family spokesman. “I guess one of them finally made it to the big guy’s desk,” she chuckled.

Read more

Nov 25

Workers March on Washington, Demand Permission to Put Their 401k Funds Into Social Security

“Do you know how much more money we’d have right now if the government were allowed to handle our savings instead of us doing it privately?” said Noah Swayne, worker.

Nov 25

Citibank Vows to Use a Portion of Bailout Funds to Correct Misspelling of Name

Citibank execs: “As soon as we get the money, we’ll finally be known as ‘City Bank.’”

Nov 25

Aryan, Steeler Nations Continue to Deface Home of Jewish Woman Whose Car Struck Ben Roethlisberger’s Motorcycle

Nov 25

192 pages.  301 fake news items.  14 zombies.

One damned funny book.
____________________________

Read about it.  Buy it from Amazon.  Buy it from us. 

Nov 24

Obama Admits He’s a Vampire, Asks Nation: “Are You Afraid?”

WASHINGTON – Barack Obama shocked the nation during a televised news conference last night by revealing that he is a vampire.

The revelation came when Mr. Obama fielded a question from CBS news anchor Katie Couric. “Mr. President-elect, I want to ask you something personal. You’re impossibly fast, and strong. And of course you are brilliant. In fact, you’re not like any of the other guys in Washington. Many people are wondering if you are a . . . .”

“Say it,” Mr. Obama demanded.

Read more

Nov 24

Vatican Forgives John Lennon For Jesus Quip, Refuses to Forgive Him For Yoko Ono

“One was a youthful indiscretion; the other, a mortal sin,” said Vatican daily Osservatore Romano

Nov 24

Bush Considers His Legacy

“I will get the man who did this,” the President said

Nov 24

Obama Set to Name Bill Ayers Secretary of Terror

CHICAGO – President-elect Barack Obama will announce today that he is nominating Bill Ayers to head the newly formed Department of Domestic Terror, according to sources inside the Obama transition team.

The Department will have a major role in implementing the policies of the Obama administration, including overseeing government seizure of individuals’ 401K pension funds, as well as the arrest and imprisonment of radio talk-show hosts identified as enemies of the state.

Negotiations between representatives of Senator Obama and Mr. Ayers have been underway since last week’s annual Weather Underground Holiday Fashion Show and Luncheon at the Palmer House.

Read more

Nov 24

Betty James, Co-Founder of Slinky Company, is Dead

The wiry 90-year-old attempted to walk down the stairs end-over-end, but she tumbled, made a slinkity sound, and broke her neck.

Nov 24

“So funny… A great book… A tremendous book… As good as anything out there.”

Pittsburgh radio icons Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann said that and more about the brand-new Carbolic Smoke Ball book, ZOMBIES ATE MY HEADLINES, on yesterday’s WDVE Morning Show.  

Hear their raves, find out more about the book, and be among the first to order your copy at Amazon.com or right here at the Carbolic Smoke Ball. 

This Monday, the ZOMBIES rise. And walk. And make you laugh.

Nov 22

Ötzi, World’s Oldest Mummy, Unthawed to Console Brother, John McCain

Otzi, the world’s oldest mummy preserved in a glacier for 5,300 years, was unthawed yesterday to cheer up his brother following McCain’s loss earlier this month to Barack Obama in the presidential election.

After physicians unfroze the mummy using hair dryers, Otzi groggily opened his eyes and immediately asked for a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate – venti.

McCain was ushered into the room and, according to Dr. Noah Swayne, the two brothers reminisced about the old days — “I mean the real old days, before there was language.”

Read more

Nov 21

Carbolic Countdown

Nov 21

Hollywood Trivia: Director Elia Kazan’s First Pick for Blanche DuBois in “Streetcar Named Desire” was Rosie the Robot

But RKO wouldn’t let Rosie out of contract to play opposite Bogart in “African Queen.”

Nov 21

Bush Unveils Plan to Rebuild Republican Party

“I’m going to register as a Democrat,” the President said

Nov 20

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