Recent News Items

They're Here

They're Coming to Get You

Departments
- Archival Reports
- Arts
- Business
- Carbolic News
- Christmas
- Commentary
- Countdowns
- Derision 2008
- Education
- Entertainment
- Extras
- Gender News
- Health
- History
- International News
- Investigative Reports
- Legal News
- Life
- Local News
- Media
- Obituaries
- Opinion Polls
- Politics
- Pop Culture
- Religion
- Science
- Sports
- Tech
- U.S. News
- Weather
Carbolic Archives
Search

Greenspan to Congress on Economic Crisis: “Good Luck With That!”

WASHINGTON - Retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan appeared before the House Oversight Committee to testify about the economic meltdown.

“The economic crisis? Well, good luck with that!” Greenspan chortled to surprised lawmakers. “Looks like I got out just in time, doesn’t it?”

When pressed by contentious committee members as to whether he bore any responsibility for the economic collapse, Greenspan leaned back in his chair, placed his hands behind his head, and put his feet up on the table. “Well, I guess it’s like this: I kind of wonder what this new man does all day,” a reference to Greenspan’s successor as Chair of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke.

Oct 24

“John McCain’s Time Is Running Out”

“I don’t mean in this campaign. I mean on earth.”

Oct 24

Feminist Group Protests Use of “Stereotypical Pink” for Breast Cancer Awareness Month

“This is just one more example of an oppressive, patriarchal society perpetuating the tropes that further allow the offensive and hegemonic stereotyping of femininity as pinkness,” said activist Harriet Von Munchausen, who added that “coral, or maybe a light fuschia, would be better”

Oct 24

Controversy Over Palin’s Costly Clothes Continues

Democratic women say she should campaign in a less expensive wardrobe; Republican men say she should campaign in the nude; everyone else says media outlets should focus on something that matters

Oct 24

Obama’s Grandmother Gives Him $20 as a Belated Birthday Present; Senator Says He’ll Put it Toward His Presidential Campaign

“It’s not an easy decision,” the Democratic candidate said, “because I support a robust system of public financing of elections”

Oct 23

Catholics to Protest New Fox Series, “People Say the Damnedest Things in Confession!”

NEW YORK - The Vatican today called on people of goodwill to boycott the Fox Network’s new reality show, “People Say the Damnedest Things in Confession!”, which puts hidden microphones and cameras in the confessional of a Catholic Church.

“It captures on tape the most intimate sins of the penitents for the viewing pleasure of Fox’s hedonistic young audience,” said the show’s producer Larry Bang. “But it’s all done in good taste.”

In one segment on the opening show, a young man confesses to having sex with his girlfriend out of wedlock. Later that day, the show’s producers show the confession to the girlfriend, “and that’s where the fireworks begin,” chuckles Bang.

Oct 23

CSB’s Exclusive Interview With Wasilla Hunk Levi Johnston: The Impregnation, The Stubble and Hockey Shin Guards in the Bedroom

Carbolic Smoke Ball’s founder emeritus Judge Rufus Peckham sat down with Levi Johnston, the 18-year-old paramour of Bristol Palin, 17, Sarah Palin’s oldest daughter, for an exclusive interview yesterday. “I walked into the restaurant where I was supposed to meet Levi, and I caught a waft of the most delightful aroma. And, damn, wouldn’t you know it — it was Levi! I had forgotten that nowadays, what with all their primping and preening the boys smell better than the girls. But I tell you in all truth, it was delightful.”

Here is the unedited transcript of this historic event:

JP: OK, Jerry, turn on the tape recorder and let’s get this over with. Testing, one, two, three, testing. OK, Levi Johnston, I’m Judge Peckham. Have you ever had your deposition taken?

LJ: No.

JP: Well, you’re in for a treat. First up, on everybody’s mind, describe for us with particularity how you impregnated Bristol. Was it missionary style? Was it –

Oct 23

Palin Wants To Be Known As Either “Sarah Fierce” or “Sasha Palin”

Oct 23

Man Rapes Three at Mall Before Turning Penis on Self

Policewoman wrestles weapon from rapist’s hands before subduing him.

Oct 23

If McCain Loses, GOP Analysts Say, Suburban Whites May Riot

“It could get very, very, very dramatic out there” - Mike Murphy, Political Consultant

WASHINGTON, DC - It’s a subject few want to think about and even fewer are willing to talk about. But it’s a very real possibility, some political analysts say — one for which Americans should prepare themselves come Election Day: if John McCain loses to Barack Obama, disenfranchised suburban whites may riot.

A recent Associated Press poll suggests that Obama’s race could cost him up to six percentage points at the polls. If that gap fails to close and McCain, the elder white candidate, loses to a younger, less-experienced black candidate, the frustrations of caucasian voters, especially those living in tightly packed tract housing developments, could bubble over.

“I don’t think that’s something we’ve looked at very closely, but I think this could be become a powder keg as we get closer to Election Night” says King’s College politics professor David Corbin. “I think a lot of people are looking to a McCain presidency to affirm the notion that whites still reign supreme in America, and, if for some reason or another Senator Obama actually wins, it’s going to be very difficult to accept in places like northern Virginia and central Pennsylvania. And Kansas.”

Oct 22

Obama to Visit Ailing Grandmother “As Long as She Promises Not to Utter Any Racial or Ethnic Stereotypes That Make Me Cringe”

“I won’t disown her, of course, but I don’t have to hang around and listen to her either,” the Illinois Senator said

Oct 22

India Launches Lunar Rocket, Pledges to Put a 7-Eleven on Moon Before Decade is Out

Oct 22

McCain Shuts Down Campaign to Visit Gravely Ill Black Grandmother

HOLLYWOOD - John McCain announced he would take time away from his campaign to visit his gravely ill grandmother, whom McCain identified as a 131-year-old black woman named Hattie McDaniel. She reportedly resides in the Hollywood Hills.

“We call her ‘Mammy,’” McCain explained. “And she’s a wonderful old gal. My sister, Prissy, and I want to be with her at the end.”

Pundits expressed surprise that McCain has a black grandmother.

Shortly after McCain’s announcement, Barack Obama’s campaign announced that his grandmother, 85-year-old Madelyn Dunham, who is white, is also gravely ill, so he shut down his campaign to visit her in Hawaii.

Oct 21

Carbolic Opinion Poll

Oct 21

ACORN Busy Registering Voters

Oct 21

Colin Powell Appears Before United Nations, Makes Case for Barack Obama

Former Secretary of State implores Security Council: “Have I ever misled you before?”

Oct 20

Mr. Blackwell Names “Worst Dressed” of the Year

Oct 20

Palin’s “SNL” Appearance Part of a Long Tradition of Politicians Poking Fun at Selves on TV

NEW YORK - Sarah Palin proved to be a good sport by poking fun at herself on “Saturday Night Live,” but her appearance was anything but unprecedented. Politicians have been going on TV and radio to lighten their images for decades. Richard Nixon famously made a cameo on “Laugh In” during the 1968 presidential campaign when he looked directly into the camera and said, “Sock it to me.” First lady Betty Ford made a much beloved appearance on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” in the mid-70s.

President Dwight Eisenhower subbed for the Fred Mertz character on “I Love Lucy” in a 1956 episode and afterward declared: “My favorite part was insulting Ethel. I really got into the misogyny.”

But the most disastrous political TV cameo occurred when President John F. Kennedy was a surprise substitute for Dick Van Dyke in the opening of a November 1963 episode of Mr. Van Dyke’s hit sitcom. The live studio audience erupted into wild applause when Kennedy walked through the front door of the fictitious Petrie home instead of Mr. Van Dyke. But disaster struck when Kennedy attempted to imitate Mr. Van Dyke’s signature tumble over the ottoman. The President landed wrong and broke his back. He was pronounced dead within one hour.

Oct 20

Bush Prods Cheney to Step Aside in Favor of Richard Dreyfuss After Seeing “W”

WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House insiders say that President Bush has spent the past several days secretly studying a bootleg copy of Oliver Stone’s “W,” based on the President’s life, and that he has taken to imitating Josh Brolin’s portrayal of him down to the most minute details.

Bush routinely recites Brolin’s dialogue, making sure to get the inflection exactly right, even if the words have no application to the conversation.

Bush was so impressed with Richard Dreyfuss’ portrayal of Dick Cheney in the film that he is pressuring Cheney to resign in favor of the 60-year-old actor.

Oct 20